


It's Always Been You

by DanaWPatterson



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Sex, Sort of AUish, Sort of Non-AUish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-01-24 08:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18567439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanaWPatterson/pseuds/DanaWPatterson
Summary: It had been at least 10 years since she’d last seen her but Tasha was positive. It was the girl she met all those years ago in the stacks of the New York Public Library.





	1. Meetings

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I have another work in progress. This story idea hit me the other morning and I sketched the first chapter out quickly. I never intended to finish it so quickly but here's the first chapter. 
> 
> It's sort of alternative universe but not really. The background/origin story doesn't exist in the show but it might be cool if it did.

**New York City**  
**1993**

Not to be weird about it or anything, but the smell of the library was one of Patterson’s favorite things. If she could bottle up that smell and take it home with her tucked away inside her backpack, she would. As soon as she walked past the iconic lions, through the heavy double doors, and into the cavernous space, the library felt like home. How could it not? Everything in the entire world she might want to know was housed within these walls. Personally, she liked the science section best but enjoyed wandering through all the stacks and just taking in that smell. It was the smell of thousands of books containing millions and millions of facts. She loved it. Today, she wasn’t wandering aimlessly like she had on previous visits. She had a purpose as she strolled towards the science section, lightly running her fingers over the endcap of each stack as she passed.  

Patterson slowed as she approached her destination and read the Dewey Decimal labels on the end of the stacks. She expected to find the object of her search in the low 500s. That’s what the card catalogue said anyway. She stopped walking suddenly. Someone sniffled. Sniffed? A runny nose, maybe? It wasn’t quite allergy season. Her own hadn’t started to act up yet. Patterson listened for a moment. Someone was crying. She looked down the row where she stopped. It was empty. She hurried on to the next row and then the next before finding the source of the sound.  

A brunette girl who looked to be close to her own age sat at the far end of the row with her back against the wall. Her knees were drawn close to her chin, and a book was open in hands. Tears streaked her cheeks as she cried quietly. 

Patterson forgot all about the book she was looking for and made her way quickly towards her. As she approached, Patterson struck by how pretty the girl was. Even with tears streaming down her face and a deep frown, Patterson wasn’t sure she’d ever seen another girl like her before. Her dark hair looked incredibly soft, and she could tell that when she smiled, it was one of the ones that could light up a room. She caught a glimpse of the book in her lap and noticed that it was open to a full-color image of the night sky focused on the Andromeda Galaxy. Pretty and smart! 

“Hey, are you okay?” Patterson asked. 

The girl on the floor jumped slightly and began hastily wiping her tears away, the book in her lap forgotten as it slid to the floor beside her.  

“Uh, yeah,” the girl stammered. “Am I in your way? I’m sorry. I can move.” 

Patterson crouched down and picked up the book and handed it back to her.  

“Are you sure? You’re crying in the science section of the library,” she said. “This is the best part of the whole library.” 

The girl smiled faintly and nodded as she took the book back.  

“Sorry,” she repeated. “I’m just hiding out.” 

Patterson slid to the floor next to the girl, slipping her backpack from her shoulders and setting it on the floor next to her feet. She rested her back against the shelves and could feel the spines of the books on her own spine. There was something wonderful in that thought.  

“I do that sometimes,” Patterson admitted. “I like coming here.” 

“Me too. It’s quiet.” 

 Neither girl spoke for a long moment. Patterson wasn’t really sure what to say. She intruded on a stranger in the library who was crying. She wanted to find out why, she but wasn’t sure if she should ask. It felt rude. Finally, she held out a hand to the girl.  

“I’m Patterson, by the way.” 

“Patterson? Is that your first name?” the girl asked.  

“No, my last. But everyone calls me Patterson.” 

The girl took Patterson’s hand and shook it tentatively. She offered her a more genuine smile despite her red eyes and tear-stained face. 

“Natasha. Everyone calls me Tasha.” 

“Hi Tasha,” Patterson replied. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Tasha didn’t reply immediately. She gazed down at the book in her hands and closed it. She bit her lip as she thought. Finally, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and nodded at Patterson.  

“I’m not home,” Tasha said. “That means it’s okay.” 

Patterson didn’t know what to say to this. Home was one of her other favorite places. When she wasn’t at the library visiting a book, or studying up on some much too advanced type of math or science, she was at school, challenging her teachers. At home, she was in a world of science. Her mother and father both encouraged her to seize every opportunity, ask every question, and try every experiment no matter how crazy it may seem. She couldn’t imagine ever home not being a safe place. 

“Do you need help?” Patterson asked. It sounded like a stupid question but it was the only thing she could think of to say.  

“I don’t know,” Tasha said with a short laugh. “Are you magic? Do you have some kind of super powers?” 

Patterson furrowed her brow and shook her head.  

“No,” she admitted. “I’m just a girl, not a threat.” 

Tasha hmmed and looked away from Patterson. She wished the blonde girl sitting next to her was a threat. She needed someone on her side. Every day felt harder than the last, and Tasha was trapped in her battle for another 3,013 days. Then she’d graduate high school, enroll in college, and get away from her mother and her endless stream of boyfriends once and for all. She looked at Patterson carefully and wondered if she’d walked past her before, never noticing her. That seemed hard to believe. Her eyes were like nothing she’d ever seen before, a mesmerizing shade of blue, and Tasha was almost certain she would have noticed her. They didn’t go to school together. Tasha had taken a nearly 40-minute subway ride from her scummy neighborhood out in Hunt’s Point just to get to the library. It’d become her refuge during school breaks and weekends. One look at Patterson told Tasha that the other girl had most likely never even been to the Bronx, and she wasn’t visiting the library as a place to get away from her life. No, they definitely didn’t go to school together. Her eyes glistened with tears again, and she blinked them away but not before one escaped. 

“Tasha?” Patterson asked when the brunette didn’t respond. “Are you in trouble or something? Is there anything I can do?” 

Tasha looked into Patterson’s eyes. There was something about her that made her want to trust her. She took a shuddery breath as she roughly wiped her tears away once more.  

“I come here because it’s safe,” Tasha said. She felt embarrassed by what she was about to say. “My mom drinks. A lot. Sometimes she forgets to pay for food or electricity. My brothers and I... my abuela helps. My grandmother, I mean.” 

Patterson nodded. She understood what Tasha was telling her even if she was in disbelief. Her backpack currently contained no fewer than three packages of Gushers fruit snacks, two bottles of Fruitopia, and a roll of Bubble Tape. There were two computers at home. She was positive they were both turned on and using electricity.  

“You come here to hide?” she asked.  

Tasha nodded and looked away. Patterson couldn’t understand. She looked like she had everything she could ask for. A quick look at the L.L. Bean backpack at her feet told Tasha all she needed to know: Patterson’s family didn’t drink away whatever little money they had and the blonde had probably never stolen anything in her life. She thought about the stolen jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread hidden away in her own ratty backpack. She’d lifted them from a small bodega far from her house – you don’t steal from your neighbors. She felt badly about the theft, but knew that if she didn’t take them there would be nothing to eat until she and her brothers returned to school on Monday. 

“Mom’s new boyfriend is at the apartment,” she said offered as an explanation. “He gives me the creeps.” 

She wouldn’t tell this girl she just met but her mother’s new boyfriend had been coming around for the last few weeks. He insisted Tasha call him Uncle Andre and when Tasha refused, he’d slapped her across the face before giving her a look that made her skin crawl. He’d licked his lips as he looked her up and down.  

 _If you filled out a little bit, you’d give your mom a run for her money_ , he’d told her.  _Maybe I’d take you out for a ride_.  

Tasha didn’t know what he meant by that, but she didn’t want to find out. She made a point to be anywhere but at home when Andre was around. Her brothers didn’t get the same attention from Andre, and they were able to stay home. They were lucky. Tasha, on the other hand, hid at the library among the astronomy books. She really liked learning about the stars.  

She felt Patterson looking at her. A follow-up question was coming, but Tasha didn’t have anything else to say. Before the other girl could say anything, Tasha changed the topic.  

“Why are you at the library on a Saturday morning?” she asked.  

Patterson smiled as she remembered why she came.  

“I’m visiting a book.” 

Tasha laughed, her frown disappearing as she temporarily forgot her worries. Patterson was right. Tasha had the kind of smile that could light up an entire room. She wished she’d smile more and frown less.  

“Visiting a book?” Tasha teased. “You know you can just check out books and take them home with you, right? It’s allowed.” 

“I know, I know,” Patterson said as she got back to her feet. She snatched her backpack up from the floor and slung it over her right shoulder. “This is a special book. Come on. I’ll show you.” 

Tasha laughed again. The idea of a special book struck her very funny. She got to her feet and picked up her backpack. She carefully shelved the book she’d been looking at. It wasn’t the first time she read it, and it wouldn’t be the last.  

The two girls left the row of books, and Tasha followed Patterson down a few stacks. The blonde scanned the Dewey Decimal labels on the shelves until she found what she was looking for. She grinned broadly and pulled a book free. Patterson turned it to show Tasha the cover:  _Bill Nye the Science Guy’s Big Blast of Science_. 

Tasha studied the cover carefully as she tried to decide what the big deal with the book was. It wasn’t like it was a rare book or even an old book. It looked like it was brand new.  

“You’re a Bill Nye fan?” 

Patterson blushed and turned the book around so she could see the cover again. 

“Yeah, sort of,” Patterson said. She pointed the picture of the scientist on the cover. “That’s my dad.” 

“Wait. Your dad is Bill Nye? The Science Guy? I thought you said your last name is Patterson,” Tasha said.  

“It is. I have my mom’s last name,” Patterson explained. “But yeah, that’s my dad. He just published this book. It’s really cool seeing it at the library. Like kids can come here and check it out. And that’s my dad. I had to come find it.” 

Tasha looked at the book in disbelief and the back at Patterson.  

“So, you’re like rich?”  

Patterson shrugged.  

“I don’t know,” she said truthfully. “My parents are scientists. I’m just me.” 

“And you came here to visit your dad’s book.” 

Patterson shrugged again.  

“I come here all the time,” she said. “I like books.” 

A clock chimed from somewhere nearby and Tasha looked down to the knock-off Swatch Watch her grandmother gave her for Christmas. Noon. Her mother would be leaving the apartment soon to go to work. With a 40-minute ride on the subway back home, she’d be able to get there right after her mother left, and she could make peanut butter sandwiches for her brothers. They could spend the afternoon outside until it was too dark. Maybe they could spend the night at their grandmother’s. She’d ask when she was sure her mother was gone.  

“I should probably go,” Tasha said. “My mom goes to work soon, and I have to take care of my brothers.” 

Patterson nodded but frowned. She was a little disappointed Tasha was leaving. It would have been nice to spend more time with her. She bet they had a lot in common. Tasha turned and started towards the exit but Patterson called after her.  

“Do you come here every day?” 

Tasha took the few steps back to where Patterson was standing.  

“Yeah.” 

“Maybe I’ll see you around?” 

“Maybe.” 

*** 

 **New York City**  
**2010**

There were at least a dozen agents standing around the Strategic Information and Operations Center, but no one looked familiar. Tasha didn’t recognize anyone from her class at Quantico, but that was probably for the best. She hadn’t fit in well with most of those brown-nosing “sir, yes, sir,” types anyway. The man standing next to her looked vaguely familiar but he had that same air about him. He towered over her in his three-piece suit. It was buttoned up tight, a tie tucked into a vest. Tasha rolled her eyes and prayed they wouldn’t wind up partnered together. At a glance, she knew everything she needed to know about him: he was strictly by-the-book and had graduated at or near the top of his class. She wagered he specialized as a profiler.  

Tasha had spent five years at the NYPD’s 96th Precinct. She probably would have still been there, too, if it weren’t for that one fatal domestic disturbance call. Her partner had been killed, and she knew she couldn’t stay with the NYPD. It was time to move on. She chose the FBI and Quantico. It was just luck that she’d been assigned to the agency’s New York office.  

“We’ll make this short and sweet,” a short black woman was saying from the front of the group. She held a hand up to get everyone's attention. “It’s going to be a busy day for everyone so let’s get going. My name is Assistant Director Bethany Mayfair. I run this office. This is Special Agent Kurt Weller. He’s the head of our Critical Incident Response Group. “ 

Mayfair looked to her left at Weller and then glanced to her right and over her shoulder. She was clearly looking for something or someone. She shook her head slightly.  

“I would now introduce you to Special Agent Patterson, the head of our Forensic Science Unit, but it appears Patterson is —” 

“Here. I’m here,” a woman’s voice called as a blonde woman hurried through SIOC to stand next to Mayfair. “I’m so sorry. I got busy working on that file you brought me and...Sorry.” 

“We’ll talk later,” Mayfair said quietly to the new arrival before turning her attention back to the group of new agents. “This is Special Agent Patterson. As I was saying, she heads our Forensic Science Unit. She is the very best at what she does. You would all be wise to make friends with her.” 

Patterson gave a dopey wave and grinned at the agents.  

“I like coffee and bourbon,” she joked but fell silent when Mayfair turned her gaze on her again. “Sorry, I’ll just...” she mimed zipping her lips. 

Tasha’s heart stopped. It was her. She was sure of it. They’d lost track of one another and it had been at least 10 years since she’d last seen her but Tasha was positive. She’d recognize that smile and those blue eyes anywhere. After all, they’d held her captive from the moment she met her in the stacks at the New York Public Library.  

 _Patterson._  

She’d found her again after all these years, but would Patterson even remember her? 


	2. Rematch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patterson racked her brain. Agent Zapata was so familiar. She was sure she’d met her once before. At the coffee shop maybe?

**New York City**  
**1993**

It’d been a full week since Patterson stumbled upon the girl crying in the library, and she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her.She spent so much time browsing the books, but had never stopped to talk to anyone other than the librarian. It was unusual to find anyone her age just casually spending time in the stacks but there was Tasha. Sure, she’d been crying, but she was sitting quite comfortably among the science books. Patterson was familiar with the astronomy book she’d been reading and knew it wasn’t just light kids' stuff. She was anxious to talk to her again.  

Tasha said she was at the library every day but Patterson had never run into her before. Try as she might, she hadn’t seen her at all during the school week either. She asked her friends if anyone knew a Tasha who matched the rough description she gave. No one did. So, Patterson had gone to the library every day after school hoping to run into her again. Each day she stayed until closing but didn’t see her anywhere.  

She sat on the front steps of the library just before 10 a.m. on Saturday morning. Patterson had loaded her backpack with all the homework she needed to get done and taken the familiar subway ride to the library. She planned to spend the entire day there. Tasha would be back and Patterson didn’t want to miss the chance to get to know her.  

When the doors were unlocked, Patterson got to her feet. She jammed the book she was reading back into her bag and started into the library. She found herself heading towards the 500s section just as fast as her feet would take her there. Tasha had been there once and she hoped that she’d find her there again. She’d wait all day if she had to.  

*** 

Tasha left home later than she wanted to. Her brothers were able to slip out early to meet friends at the park near PS 048, but Tasha had been intercepted by Andre. She thought he was passed out drunk on the couch, but when she tip-toed past him to grab her backpack he reached out suddenly and grabbed her. She tried to scream, but Andre pulled her onto his lap and clamped a hand over her mouth. His free hand roamed over her body while he whispered obscene comments in her ear. Tasha tried to struggle away but Andre held her tighter, pressing something hard into her backside. His hand smashed her lips against her teeth, leaving bruises behind, and Tasha did the only thing she could think of to get away. She bit his hand as hard as she could and hoped to draw blood.  

Andre snatched his hand away, releasing his grasp on Tasha.  

“You little bitch!” he yelled after her. “You fucking bit me! Goddamn cock tease just like your slut mother!” 

Tasha didn’t hear anything else. She shouldered her backpack and dashed out the front door. She ran all the way to the bus stop three blocks away before daring to look back to see if Andre had hefted his drunken ass off the sofa and followed her. He hadn’t. Tasha’s heart thudded loudly in her chest the entire bus ride to the subway stop across town, and she could still smell the stale beer on his breath. She didn't allow herself to relax until she was climbing the front steps to the library and heading for safety.  

Her original plan was to go directly to what she’d come to think of as "her section" of the library, but her lips felt hot and swollen as if she’d been punched in the mouth. Her forearm was sore from where he’d grabbed her. She took a short detour to the restroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror for a long minute. The girl that stared back at her looked both too old and too young. Her eyes had seen too much but she was barely 10 years old.  

She wet a paper towel and wiped at her eyes, washing away the tear stains that once again were forming on her cheeks. She studied her appearance carefully. Aside from a fat lip, she looked okay. No one would know Andre attacked her. Tasha looked down at her arm and saw the deep bruise that had already begun to form. It took the definite shape of fingers. She rolled the sleeve of her sweatshirt back down and decided no one would see the bruise if she didn’t let them. She took a deep trembling breath and tucked her hair behind her ear. 3,006 days to go. She could endure this.  

Tasha readjusted her backpack and gave herself one final look in the mirror before slipping out of the restroom and heading straight for the 500s. As she passed through the reading room, Tasha glanced around somewhat hopefully for Patterson. She wasn’t sure if she’d see her again but she wanted to. She didn’t know what it was about her, but Tasha could picture them as great friends. Best friends even. She’d been coming to the New York Public Library for just over a year. In that time, she’d seen hundreds of people. Patterson was the first person to ever even say hello to her. It was almost like having a friend. It was nice.  

As she headed towards her favorite row of books, Tasha glanced around for Patterson. She finally began browsing through titles. Even if she didn’t find her, Tasha planned to spend most of the day at the library. She didn’t want to go back home and risk finding Andre waiting for her. He would have had all day to get drunk, and if he was anything like her mother it was best if she stayed away. She selected a copy of Stephen Hawking’s  _A Brief History of Time_  and sat on the floor to read.  

 *** 

It wasn’t really a surprise that Tasha wasn’t in the stacks when Patterson arrived, the library had just opened after all, but she was still disappointed that she was alone. She felt silly, but she’d hoped to find Tasha sitting in one of the rows waiting for her. In her mind, Patterson saw Tasha look up from the book she was reading and give her a big smile. She wasn’t crying this time and seemed thrilled to see her. Patterson had thought a lot about Tasha’s smile. It seemed so genuine and as if she’d been saving it just for her.  

Patterson lingered in the empty row where she’d found Tasha the prior week and then began wandering up and down the rows, reading titles, and getting lost in her thoughts and the books. Finally, she found herself in the 900s, and realized she was surrounded by books about computers. She grabbed  _Foundations of Computer Science_  from the shelf and flipped through it. Since her dad brought home an IBM and box upon box of components, she'd been fascinated with the machine. They’d spent a few weeks building it and then her father had thrown down a challenge: Learn to program it. Patterson accepted his challenge eagerly. Now she read almost everything about computer programming that she could get her hands on. 

*** 

Tasha’s stomach rumbled loudly. She’d left the apartment without eating, not that there was much of anything to eat there. Her mom and Andre had ordered pizza the night before but she’d only managed to grab a single slice before the box was empty. A large pizza didn’t go very far with four kids and two adults. She wound up splitting her piece with her youngest brother. Now her stomach let her know just how hungry she was, and Tasha glanced at the time. 11:30. She’d been sitting and reading for just about an hour with no sign of Patterson.  

She gave a heavy sigh, closed the book, and set it on the floor. Tasha picked up her backpack and unzipped one of the smallest pockets. She fished around inside and came out with a fistful of coins. She counted them and then counted again. Bryant Park was just outside the library and it would be full of vendors at this time of day. She was just a few cents short of being able to buy a hotdog. If she walked slowly and kept her eyes peeled, maybe she could find the 13 cents she needed on the floor or the sidewalk. Maybe someone left their dime behind in the payphone.  

Tasha shoved the coins into the pocket of her jeans and stood up, reshelved her book, and shrugged her backpack on as she started towards the exit. She walked slowly with her head down, eyes scanning for a dime or nickel that may have been lost.  

Patterson was fully absorbed in her book and didn’t notice Tasha heading towards her. Tasha, on the other hand, was so focused on searching for loose change she completely missed Patterson. The toe of her shoe, however, didn’t miss the other girl’s shin and soon Tasha was falling forward. She hit the floor with a hard thud.  

“Ow,” Tasha moaned, her hand going to her face instinctively. She wasn’t really hurt, and she turned her head to see what or who she’d tripped over. When she saw Patterson’s face Tasha groaned inwardly. Of course, she’d trip over the one person she’d been hoping to see. 

“Are you okay?” Patterson asked as she scrambled to her feet and went to where Tasha was sprawled on the floor. 

“Ow,” Tasha repeated and rested her forehead on the floor. More than anything she was just embarrassed. It was one thing to be ostracized in school, it was another to look like a fool in front of someone you hoped to become friends with. “Yeah, I’m alright.” 

Patterson reached a hand down to help Tasha back to her feet. The brunette dusted herself off.  

“I thought I might run into you today,” Patterson began, “but I didn’t think it’d be like this. Are you sure you’re alright?” 

Tasha nodded.  

“Yeah, sorry about that,” she said. “I wasn’t looking. Are you okay? I totally kicked you.” 

“I’m fine,” Patterson replied. “You didn’t kick me that hard.” 

Tasha adjusted her backpack and shoved her hand in her pocket. She let her fingers silently count the change in her pocket. She hoped she hadn’t lost any when she fell.  

“I’m still sorry about it.” 

Patterson noticed Tasha’s backpack and realized Tasha had been heading for the door. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It’d been an hour and a half since she set up camp waiting for Tasha and somehow the girl had arrived without her seeing. Now she was leaving.  

“You’re not leaving, are you?” she asked.  

Tasha almost didn’t hear the question. She was busy letting her fingers recount her money. It seemed like she had less in her pocket than she had before she fell. She scanned the floor near their collision but didn’t see her missing money.  

“Oh, um, I was gonna head out to the park and get a hotdog, but I’m not very hungry anymore,” Tasha lied.  

Patterson brightened. It was a beautiful day outside. It was still mid-March but it was one of those early spring days that almost felt like summer was right around the corner. A hotdog sounded really good, too.  

“Do you know how to play chess?” she asked.  

“Yeah,” Tasha replied. “My grandmother taught me.” 

Patterson beamed.  

“Wanna play with me in the park?” she asked. “We could grab lunch and play chess. It’s super nice out.” 

Tasha hesitated. Even if she hadn’t lost money when she fell, she didn’t have enough for lunch, and it wasn’t like she could start looking for change while hanging out with Patterson. The kids at school already made fun of her for the safety pins holding her backpack closed and the duct tape that appeared on her sneakers from time to time; she didn’t need Patterson to find out she had to scavenge change to afford a $1 hotdog from a street vendor. Still, Patterson wanted to be her friend, and Tasha was thrilled at the prospect.  

“Sure, I’ll play with you,” she said. “I’m not really that hungry right now, though. Let’s just play?” 

“Great! Come on!” Patterson picked her backpack off the floor with one hand and grabbed for Tasha’s hand with the other. She rushed off towards the exit, pulling Tasha along behind her. “I am so gonna beat you, too. You have no idea!” 

Tasha laughed as she ran along behind the blonde girl, following her through the library and out through the back doors into the park. They found an unoccupied chessboard and Patterson sat down on one of the chairs, gesturing for Tasha to sit down across from her. Her stomach rumbled as she sat and began setting her pieces on the board. She hoped Patterson didn’t hear it but the blonde was chattering on again.  

“I hope you like losing,” Patterson said joyfully. She’d heard the unmistakable sound of Tasha’s stomach growling. The brunette claimed she wasn’t hungry but that was not the case. It hadn’t taken much to figure it out. Tasha didn’t have the money for lunch. “You’re about to lose to the master.” 

“Says you. You’re pretty cocky for someone about to lose.” Tasha retorted and slid the pawn in front of her king two squares forward.  

“Opposite, opposite. I’m not cocky. I’m just going to win,” Patterson replied. “I’ve been playing chess against my dad since I was five.”  

Her smile faltered slightly, however, when she saw Tasha’s opening move. The King’s Pawn Opening. She slid the pawn in front of her bishop two squares in the Sicilian Defense. They continued trading moves until Patterson threw herself dramatically back in her chair.  

“What? Are you kidding me?” she moaned.  

Tasha smiled and laughed triumphantly as she made her final move, capturing Patterson’s king.  

“Checkmate.” 

Patterson shook her head and frowned.  

“Okay, fine, you win,” she said. Her stomach gave a quiet growl, and she glanced at her watch. Noon. Patterson searched through her backpack for her wallet. She set it on the table and started up out of her chair. “I’m starving.” 

Tasha shook her head, her victory forgotten as she remembered that she didn’t have enough money.  

“I’m not hungry,” she said and began resetting the game pieces.  

“Well, I’m getting a hotdog,” Patterson said. “Do you want one?” 

Tasha shook her head again. She didn’t look up from the board.  

“No, I’m really not hungry.” 

“I’m still getting one,” Patterson insisted. “Loser buys lunch. Hold our table. I’ll be right back.” 

She didn’t give Tasha a chance to protest and headed off towards the nearest vendor cart. While they’d been playing, she’d noticed something else about her new friend. As Tasha reached over the board to make moves, the sleeve of her sweatshirt had slid back revealing a dark bruise in the shape of a hand. Patterson would never mention it but she knew. Home for Tasha was just a place to sleep. Her family was broken, and her mother was a drunk. Someone was beating on Tasha. A wave of anger flooded through her as she ordered lunch for them. Tasha seemed awesome. She didn’t deserve whatever abuse she was getting. She wanted to find the culprit and shove a chess piece up their nose. 

Patterson returned to the table a few minutes later carrying two hot dogs. She held them both out to Tasha. One of them was covered with every available topping while the other just had ketchup.  

“I didn’t know how you liked your hotdog so take your pick,” she said.  

“You really didn’t need to —” Tasha began.  

“Just pick,” Patterson sighed. “I’m hungry. I’m not just gonna eat lunch in front of you. We’re friends now. Have lunch. Pick.” 

Tasha sighed and took the hotdog with ketchup.  

“Thanks,” she said quietly, trying to hide her embarrassment. “I’ll get lunch next time.” 

Patterson clamped her hotdog between her teeth and pulled a can of Coca Cola from each pocket of her overalls. She slid one over to Tasha and took a bag of Lay's potato chips from overalls' bib and set it on the table. She took the hotdog out of her mouth again.  

“Rematch?” 

**New York City**  
**2010**

The longer Tasha stared at the agent AD Mayfair introduced as Patterson, the more certain she was. It was the same girl from the library. She fought to contain a crazy grin and almost missed Mayfair’s directions. The assistant director was splitting the new agents up into two groups for short tours of the NYO. She saw the tall agent next to her heading off to stand with Agent Weller.  

“Zapata, with Patterson,” Mayfair directed and pointed vaguely in the blonde agent’s direction.  

Tasha smiled politely and joined the small group of agents slowly gathering around Agent Patterson.  

“Welcome to the fun group,” Patterson greeted her and held out a hand. “I’m Patterson.” 

“Tasha,” she replied, shaking Patterson’s hand as if meeting her for the first time.  

Something seemed to flicker in Patterson’s eyes but she just smiled and turned back to her group.  

“Okay then, let’s go. We’ll start in the best place. The lab,” she said, turning and starting towards a closed off section of the office. “You guys are with me because Mayfair said you all have tech backgrounds so I’m super excited to have you all here.  

Patterson led them into the lab and stopped in front of an impressive row of high-tech looking monitors that lined the rear wall of the room. She turned back to face the new agents in her group, and her eyes lingered on the agent Mayfair had called Zapata.  _Tasha_. She looked so familiar. Her hand subconsciously went to her necklace and she fiddled with the small glass pendant. 

“This is basically where I live,” she explained, tearing her gaze off of Tasha and addressing the group. “You go out in the field, come back with evidence you bring it here. It gets logged and one of the techs will go through it. You need computer work, license plate tracking, cell phone tracking, anything digital. It comes here. Bring it to me. I love that stuff.” 

As she spoke, Patterson racked her brain. Agent Zapata was so familiar. She was sure she’d met her once before. At the coffee shop maybe? Her eyes flitted back to Tasha as she explained logging procedures. She watched the new agent tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and Patterson almost forgot what she was saying. She knew why Zapata was so familiar.  

Tasha couldn’t take her eyes off Patterson. As the agent spoke, she fiddled with a pendant on a silver chain. At first glance, Tasha thought nothing of it and then she got a better look at the necklace. The chain wasn’t the original chain. Tasha assumed it had broken over the last 11 years, but the pendant was the same. To the untrained eye, it looked like a marble but Tasha knew better. The small blue glass ball was actually a replica of the cosmos. She knew because she’d given it to her on her 16th birthday. 

“Okay, moving on,” Patterson said as she walked briskly across the floor. “The locker room. You’ll all get lockers. Keep an extra set of clothes in there. You ask me why now but when you come back covered in mud or blood or paint or spill coffee down the front of your white shirt - it happens - , you’ll be happy you had something to change into.” 

Patterson stepped to the side of the empty locker room and let the new agents filter in. She reached out and touched Tasha’s arm as the brunette passed. Tasha stopped and looked at her.  

“Hey,” Patterson began quietly. “Tasha?” 

“Yeah?” Tasha asked. “Something I can do?” 

Patterson shook her head.  

“Opposite, opposite,” she said. She smiled, recognition finally flooding into her face. “You’re Tasha. How are you? It’s been —” 

“Eleven years.” 


	3. Daisy

**New York City**  
**1993**  

There was no way Tasha was going to get out to meet Patterson. They’d made plans to just hang out – the first time they’d done something not involving randomly meeting up at the New York Public Library – but there was absolutely no way Tasha could leave. Not now.  

Her brothers had returned from the park for lunch shortly after 1 p.m., and her mother was supposed to be gone to work. Instead, Andre had come by. Of course, he was drunk. Tasha had taken one look at him as he staggered through their front door and ushered her brothers into her bedroom where they were now huddled on her bed with the door locked.  

The door muffled what sounded like fists hitting flesh and angry shouts and screams. Tasha wasn’t naïve. This wasn’t the first man to come into their house and beat their mother in a drunken fit. She doubted he’d be the last. Something broke outside the door. To Tasha’s ear, it sounded wooden, and she wondered if it was the kitchen table or maybe one of the living room tables. There wasn’t enough time to give it much thought, though. Andre hit her closed and locked door with so much force the lock broke, sending splinters of wood everywhere as his hulking shape filled the doorway.  

She screamed in surprise and put her arm protectively in front of her three brothers as they simultaneously scooted further back on the bed. Andre started towards them but seemed to suddenly change his mind. He changed his direction and grabbed at Tasha. He snatched up a handful of her hair and roughly dragged her off the bed, onto the floor, and through the doorway.  

“Mateo, call grandma!” she yelled to her stunned oldest brother as she tried to stop Andre’s progress by grabbing onto anything and everything as she was dragged passed it. It felt as if he was about to pull all of her hair out of her head.  

Andre finally released his grip on her hair, trading it for a strong grip on her nearly non-existent bicep. He hauled her to her feet and threw her in the direction of the couch. He rushed at her, his fists leading the way and connecting with her right eye. The force of the impact sent her sprawling into the couch but Andre wasn’t finished. As soon as she hit the couch cushions, he grabbed her again roughly around the wrist and yanked. Tasha felt something give way in her arm and let out a howl of pain as his hand smashed across her face.  

She tasted blood as she fell to the floor. He’d split her lip. She’d felt this before. Before he could grab her again, she turned her head slightly to the right and squinted through her swelling eye. Her mother was slumped in the corner of the room, her head lolled slightly to the side and fresh bruises rapidly forming on her face. She was unconscious. Then she was being picked up off the floor again, Andre’s grip tight on her upper arms as he tossed her back towards the couch.  

Tasha fell fast onto the couch and Andre lurched towards her again. He pulled his arm back as he readied to strike her again but Tasha’s youngest brother threw himself at Andre’s back. Alex jumped on him and begin pummeling the man’s back with his fists.  

“Alex!” Tasha yelled as she tried to get to her feet. She felt dizzy and stumbled backwards as Alex continued to uselessly beat his fists on Andre’s back.  

Andre grabbed at the boy to pull him off of him as the front door opened with a loud bang. Two NYPD officers charged into the room with an older Hispanic woman close on their heels. Within moments, Andre was handcuffed and being led out of the apartment.  

“Mi hija!” Tasha’s grandmother cried as she hurried over to where her granddaughter was slumped on the couch. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? What did that man do to you?” 

Tasha shook her head and grasped her wrist with her uninjured hand.  

“I think I’m okay. My wrist really hurts, though,” she said. “Is Mom okay?” 

Her grandmother searched the room and spotted her daughter on the floor. For a split second she was torn between helping her 10-year-old granddaughter and her own daughter. She looked from Tasha to her daughter and then to the officer who was crouched beside Tasha’s mother. The officer was on her radio, calling for an ambulance.  

“She’ll be okay,” Tasha’s grandmother assured her as she wrapped her arms around her grandaughter.  

*** 

It’d taken a few days but Tasha was finally used to the ugly white plaster cast surrounding her wrist. Just a souvenir from her mother’s now ex-boyfriend. Her brothers had each doodled on the cast and her grandmother signed it with a flourish, but when she’d gone to school, no one seemed to notice it or the deep bruise around her right eye. Her mother had noticed, however, when Tasha and her brothers were brought to visit her in the hospital while she recovered from a skull fracture and concussion. Whether she felt guilty or bad about bringing Andre into their lives, Tasha wasn’t sure.  

While their mother recovered, Tasha and her brothers were staying with their grandmother. Tasha wished they could spend every day with her. In the three days they’d been there, the power hadn’t been cut once and both the refrigerator and pantry were fully stocked. When she was wasn’t at school, her grandmother was teaching her to play poker and blackjack. It was the most fun she’d had at home ever.  

As she rounded the corner from the bus stop towards her grandmother’s apartment, Tasha passed a phonebooth next to the bodega. She pulled a handful of change from her pocket – change from the money her grandmother gave her for lunch – and dropped a dime into the coin slot. She dialed a number from memory and listened to the phone ring. The last time she’d seen Patterson, the blonde girl had written her phone number on Tasha’s palm and told her to call anytime. She memorized it immediately. Patterson was the first friend to share her phone number for a reason other than a class project. 

*** 

“Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up,” Bill chanted as he searched his cluttered workspace for the cordless phone buried beneath a pile of papers. His hand finally fell on it and he pressed the answer button. “Hello?” 

“Uh, hi,” a teenager’s voice came. “Is Patterson there?” 

Bill hesitated for a second.  

“Patterson?” he repeated. “Oh, you mean Wi- Patterson. Right. Of course! Can I ask who’s calling?” 

“It’s, uh, it’s Tasha.” 

Bill didn’t respond but took the phone away from his ear. He set it down on his desk and looked around. His daughter had been sitting just a few feet away working on the IBM she’d been obsessed with lately. Now, she was missing.  

“Kiddo! Phone,” he called. “It’s Tasha!” 

Patterson came running in to the room, skidding to a stop just in front of her dad’s desk. She plucked the phone from his desk and turned swiftly back out of the room. She was barely in the hallway when she started talking.  

“Tash? Oh my god. I was so worried,” she said. She tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice but knew she was failing. “Are you okay? I waited for you.” 

“I’m sorry,” Tasha replied. “Something came up and I couldn’t call. Are you busy?” 

Patterson looked at the clock on the wall. It was still early enough. 

“I’ll meet you,” she said. “Where?” 

*** 

Tasha didn’t want Patterson to meet her in the Bronx – especially not in her neighborhood. She’d spent a lot of time idealizing what Patterson’s neighborhood might be like. Her father was Bill Nye, after all. She probably lived in Manhattan on the top floor of some high rise. Compared to her imagined version of Patterson’s life, Tasha’s was the sort of life they made afterschool TV specials about. She was embarrassed. She didn’t want her friend to see the playground with its rusty swings or the piles of garbage that filled the gutters. But Patterson had insisted; she was coming to her.  

They were meeting in the only place Tasha could think of that wouldn’t be completely mortifying. She sat on a bench at Hunt’s Point Recreation Center and watched the street. Patterson should be arriving any minute. A group of boys were playing baseball on the nearby field and Tasha was temporarily distracted by the sound of a ball striking a wooden bat. She turned her head to follow the game and didn’t see Patterson approaching from the bus stop.   

Patterson saw her as soon as she got off the bus and started in her direction. When she spotted the white plaster on her wrist, she broke into a jog. She plopped onto the bench beside Tasha.  

“What happened?” she asked, her voice nearly rising to a yell. “Are you alright?” 

Tasha turned around to face Patterson. She glanced down at her wrist and felt her cheeks redden. Of course, Patterson was going to ask what happened. Tasha was still sporting a black eye and the cast wasn’t exactly easy to miss. She felt irrationally ashamed. It wasn’t like she’d done anything wrong but her whole situation was embarrassing.  

Before Tasha could answer, Patterson noticed her black eye. Her hand shot out and gripped Tasha’s chin. She tipped her friend’s face up to get a better look at her shiner.  

“Oh my god, Tasha!”  

Tasha slipped out of Patterson’s grasp and shook her head.  

“I’m okay,” she lied. “My mom’s boyfriend got drunk.” 

Patterson’s mouth fell open.  

“What? That’s not an excuse,” she said dumbfounded. She gestured to the cast and black eye. “Did he hit you? Did he do  _that?”_  

Tasha nodded but said nothing. Patterson sighed and leaned back on the bench. She stared off towards the baseball game.  

“That’s not okay, you know, right?” she said after a minute. “You didn’t do anything wrong. He shouldn’t have touched you.” 

Tasha nodded again. She waited for Patterson to say something else but a silence built up between them. And then Tasha started babbling, telling Patterson everything that happened from the moment Andre showed up at their apartment to the police showing up with her grandmother following behind them. 

“Wow,” Patterson said when Tasha finished her story. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.” 

Tasha gave a noncommittal shrug and looked back towards the baseball game that was starting to wrap up.  

“Thanks,” she said quietly. “I don’t know where my mom finds these guys. One after the other. They’re all the same. Awful to mom, terrible to me and my brothers. I wish Andre was the first one who’d hit us but he’s just another guy.” 

Patterson tried to think of something to say. She was devastated by Tasha’s words. Tasha was so nice. Patterson loved hanging out with her. They could talk about almost any topic and Tasha had something to contribute. She was one of the smartest girls she knew. When they weren’t together, Patterson found herself thinking about Tasha. She wondered how she would handle situations or if she might have any ideas for a program for the IBM. Her parents ordered pizza and Patterson wondered if Tasha had a favorite topping.  

“You don’t have to say anything,” Tasha said, sensing Patterson’s discomfort. “There’s nothing to say. Honest. I just hope I don’t wind up like my mom.” 

Patterson’s eyes opened wide. She couldn’t believe Tasha would even think she might wind up like her mom. Tasha was too good, too smart, too pretty, too determined to wind up with men like the ones her mother dated.  

“Don’t say that,” she said sharply. “You’ll be nothing like your mom. You’re smart and tough. You don’t have to turn out like anyone but Tasha. You could be anything. Do anything. I think you’re great.” 

Tasha smiled. For the first time in a while, it came easily.  

“Thanks,” she said. “That means a lot.” 

“I mean it,” Patterson pressed. “I mean, people should see how great you are. If you were my girlfriend, I’d never hit you. I’d never let anyone treat you like that.” 

She seemed to realize what she said and stopped talking abruptly. Patterson bit her lip. She was a full year older than Tasha, turning 11 the previous month, but she’d never thought about anyone as a boyfriend or girlfriend. In all honesty, she just had groups of people she liked to hang out with. Right now, Tasha was at the top of the list. She wanted to spend every day with her. Tasha was her favorite person. Now she’d just grouped in Tasha as a potential girlfriend. She didn’t even know what that might mean. 

“Thanks, Patterson,” Tasha repeated. She smiled again.  

Patterson was staring across the street to a piece of broken pavement. A single daisy was growing up through the concrete. She shoved her hand in the pocket of her denim jacket and found the prize she’d gotten out of a bubblegum machine earlier in the day. She turned it over and over again before pulling it out and offering it to Tasha.  

“I got this out of a gum machine today,” she explained. “I was trying to get one of those sticky hands. You know? The ones that you can slap against a wall and they just stick there?” 

Tasha took the item and looked at it.  

“It’s a ring,” she said.  

Patterson nodded.  

“Yeah. It’s got a daisy on it. It made me think of you,” she said. She pointed at the flower growing in the sidewalk. “Daisies grow everywhere, even where you don’t think they could. I read somewhere that people think they’re weeds and they rip them out but they just grow back. They’re really pretty and strong flowers, though.” 

Tasha stared at the gumball machine prize for a long time before she closed her hand over it. She understood what Patterson was saying, and it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to her. She nodded again.  

“Thanks,” she said again and cringed at the number of times she’d thanked her friend in just the last few minutes. She slipped the ring onto her right hand. It was a little bit loose. “Wanna go grab a Coke?” 

**New York City**  
**2010**

The tour of the NYO wrapped up shortly after Patterson pulled Tasha aside in the locker room. She took the new recruits to the training rooms and to the armory and then she dismissed them, sending them back to Mayfair to collect their assignments. She lingered a moment in the hallway, watching Tasha head to the conference room where Mayfair was waiting.  

Eleven years had passed. She couldn’t believe it. Somehow, the girl she met 17 years ago at the New York Public Library had just waltzed back into her life. For six years they’d been nearly inseparable. Initially, they played chess and computer games together. Later they just hung out, challenging each other to solve a Rubik’s Cube faster than the other. By the time they were 16, it was almost hard to be around Tasha. She’d been a pretty girl but she’d turned into a beautiful teenager. The infatuation Patterson had with her steadily turned into a giant crush, and she’d been terrified to act on it. So, she hadn’t. She’d pushed her feelings deep down and tried to convince herself they didn’t exist.  

They’d gone their separate ways. Patterson was busy with advance placement classes in high school, preparing to go to college. Tasha poured herself into her own studies, teaching herself how to code and taking self-defense classes after school. Patterson was touring colleges with her father during school breaks. Tasha began collecting literature about her own collegiate options. Eventually, they just drifted apart. Until Tasha appeared in SIOC at the FBI. 

Patterson turned and headed back to her lab. She sat in her desk chair and closed her eyes. Her mind was racing. She’d stopped Tasha and reintroduced herself. Part of her had been afraid Tasha wouldn’t remember her, but that fear was unfounded. There hadn’t been time to talk, however, and they made plans to meet for coffee at the Starbucks around the corner. Patterson let out a deep breath. She had no idea what they had to talk about. Everything, she supposed. It’d been 11 years.  

Eleven years. It was a long time but now, as Patterson sat at her desk, she didn’t even know what to say. Tasha had gone from pretty girl to beautiful teenager to a gorgeous woman. The infatuation and crush she’d harbored all through their teenage years was still there. It didn’t matter, though. She was involved with David. And David was wonderful and perfect for her and he did not deserve to have his girlfriend making heart eyes at a girl she’d fallen in love with years ago.  

*** 

Tasha didn’t even like Starbucks. Every time she got coffee there it tasted bitter and burned. The “specialty” drinks were even worse. There was so much cream and flavors and sugar it could barely be called coffee. It didn’t matter though; Patterson invited her and she’d be damned if she turned her down.  

She claimed a table just far enough from the entrance that she was out of the way of traffic but not so far away she wouldn’t see when Patterson entered. After Mayfair assigned them partners and desks, there wasn’t much left of the day. She’d been able to leave a little early and wait for Patterson at the coffee shop. Tasha stared nervously at the door occasionally glancing down at her cell phone to check the time.  

What would they even talk about? It had been 11 years since she’d last seen Patterson. Everything had changed. Tasha wasn’t even sure they had anything in common anymore. Eleven years ago they’d both been so busy with school and preparing for whatever came next that they’d simply drifted apart. It was easy enough to do. While Tasha was living out in the Bronx with her grandmother, Patterson was out in Park Slope with her parents. They moved in completely different worlds.  

Drifting apart was probably for the best anyway. Tasha had always thought of Patterson as her best friend. When they’d met, she’d been captivated by her. She’d never met anyone so smart in her life. And Patterson was friendly and kind also. As they’d gotten older, Tasha realized she wasn’t just taken with Patterson’s personality. She was crushing on her. Hard. When she came to terms with her feelings, Tasha didn’t know how to act around her anymore. She had a crush on her best friend. She wanted to hug her and hold her hand and kiss her. But she couldn’t do any of that, and so she pretended that she didn’t want those things and locked her feelings up. Drifting apart made it easier.  

Now she was waiting in a coffee shop with her new coworker, former best friend, and first and biggest crush. Tasha was nervous and excited all at once. All those feelings she’d locked away were still there, but now she’d had 11 years to figure it all out. She knew who she was now and those feelings she’d developed for Patterson weren’t so scary anymore.  

After five minutes, the door to the shop swung open and Patterson was there. She looked around the crowded room before spotting Tasha. She went to her table and had to restrain herself from hugging her. At the same time Tasha had been getting out of her chair and seemed like she’d withheld a hug as well.  

“Hey,” Tasha said. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Thanks for wanting to meet up.” 

Patterson pulled out the chair opposite Tasha and sat down. 

“Are you kidding? As soon as I realized it was you...” she trailed off and glanced towards the coffee counter. “Did you order? Do you wanna grab some coffee?” 

“Not yet,” Tasha said. “I was waiting for you.” She got to her feet first and waved Patterson off as the blonde started to get up with her. “No, I got this one. I never did pay you back for that hotdog at Bryant Park.” 

Patterson laughed. She’d almost forgotten. Tasha had kicked her ass in chess  _repeatedly_ that day.  

“You sure?” 

“Yeah,” Tasha replied. “What’s your drink?” 

Patterson rattled off a complex and sweet-sounding drink and Tasha cocked an eyebrow.  

“I like sweet coffee,” Patterson said with a shrug. “Do you want me to write it down?” 

Tasha shook her head.  

“No, I’ve got it. Be right back.” 

They spent the next hour drinking coffee – Tasha’s just a black dark roast and Patterson’s a coffee concoction with no fewer than three flavor shots and more sugar and cream that could possibly be healthy – and chatting. They’d both worried they'd have nothing to talk about but the conversation had been easy. Patterson talked about school at Stanford and Tasha told her about joining the NYPD and her decision to enter law enforcement after working her way through NYU. They’d gone different routes to get to the same place.  

“Did you get your partner?” Patterson asked as she finished the rest of her now cold coffee.  

“My what?” Tasha replied. The question caught her off guard.  _What did Patterson mean by “partner”?_  

“Your assignment,” Patterson clarified. “Who did Mayfair assign you to work with?” 

Tasha finished her own coffee and set the cup down on the table.  

“Oh!” she said. She felt silly. She’d almost thought Patterson was asking if she was seeing anyone. “Yeah. You know that tall guy who was standing next to me this morning?” 

“Suit and vest guy?” Patterson asked with a smirk. 

“Yeah. That’s him,” Tasha said. “Reade. He, uh, he seems okay. A little straight-laced maybe.” 

Patterson hmmed and brushed her hair back over her shoulder. She kept meaning to get it cut; it’d gotten too long lately.  

“Well, some advice?” she offered.  

“I’ll take any you have.” 

“Get to know him really well. Trust him. It’ll be really helpful,” Patterson said. “And if there’s anything I can do, just ask.” 

Tasha smiled and nodded.  

“Thanks, I’ll do that,” she said and then hesitated. It’d been so much fun catching up with Patterson, and the longer she was with her, the more she realized that her feelings for her had never gone away. Eleven years ago, she would have ignored it. This older, more mature and secure version of herself, however, no longer ignored it or apologized for things out of her control. She went for it. “Do you wanna maybe get dinner some time?” 

“With you? Of course,” Patterson said. She started out of her chair and scooped her bag up and Tasha did the same. “That would be fun. You could meet David.” 

Tasha’s smile faltered as she followed Patterson to the door and out onto the sidewalk. They turned towards the nearest subway station.  

“David?” she asked.  

Patterson felt a pit in her stomach. She didn’t know why she’d even brought him up. After spending an hour with Tasha, she realized her old crush was still alive and well. It might be even stronger now. The last thing she wanted was to go to dinner with Tasha with her boyfriend. She inwardly groaned. What an idiot.  

“Oh. He’s, uh, he’s my boyfriend,” she said and then hurried on. “Is that okay?” 

“You tell me,” Tasha replied as they descended the steps into the subway. Her good mood and spirits were completely gone. She felt stupid for even thinking Patterson might want to go out with her. “He’s _your_ boyfriend. Is it okay?” 

“Of course,” Patterson said. Her words came out rushed and she felt her face growing flush. She ran her metrocard through the turnstyle’s reader and headed towards her platform. The six train was just approaching. “I’m the 4 train. What about you?” 

“Six,” Tasha said. “I guess that’s me. See you tomorrow?” 

“Tomorrow for sure,” Patterson said. “Stop by the lab and I’ll introduce you to my team.” 

Tasha nodded and gave Patterson a quick hug before she followed the crowd onto the subway train. Patterson watched her go. She felt a mixture of feelings. She was thrilled to have Tasha back in her life but loathed herself. Why had she mentioned David? Maybe she was wrong, but she’d seen Tasha’s reaction. Was the Latina disappointed? Patterson thought she might have been. What did that mean? She didn’t know. She didn’t really understand what she felt. How could she interpret how someone else might feel? It was all so confusing, but for now, Tasha was back in her life. She hoped she wouldn’t lose her a second time.  


	4. Reflections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she’d asked Patterson to go to dinner with her, she was asking her out as a date. Fifteen years ago, when she first realized she might have feelings for her best friend, Tasha had spent weeks — months even — trying to figure out what that meant. Now, she wanted to act on all those feelings she’d denied herself all those years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a little while to put together. I have no idea what comes next so I'm just kinda muddling along.

**New York City**  
**1995**

_Maybe there’s something wrong with the mirror_.  

Tasha squinted into it and cocked her head to the side. Were her ears lopsided? She stared at her reflection critically before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and biting her lower lip. No, she decided. There was nothing wrong with her ears or her outfit or any of it. She was just being ridiculous. She ran a hand over her shirt, smoothing an imaginary wrinkle and checked the time. Patterson would be arriving soon.  

Tasha checked her reflection one last time before turning her attention to the pile of textbooks on her bed. Since starting middle school, she and Patterson had made a point to get together to work on their homework together almost every day. Sure, Patterson was a grade ahead of her and their schools were on near opposite ends of the city, but having Patterson around for study sessions was great. It didn’t hurt that Tasha was no longer ashamed to invite her friend over and she now had a bedroom with a door that hadn’t been smashed open by her mother’s drunken boyfriend.  

After Andre’s attack that Saturday, Tasha and her brothers had moved in with their grandmother for a few weeks. They’d just moved back home with their mother when their grandmother appeared at their front door, helped them pack, and took the kids away again. She didn’t know it at the time, but Tasha’s mother had quickly developed a taste for the painkillers prescribed by her doctor. And the habit only got worse when she began mixing them with her normal alcohol habit. The first time Tasha called her abuela for groceries, was the last time. The older woman came, spotted the empty prescription bottles on the counter, studied the labels, realized they were not in her daughter’s name, and she packed the kids up without a word. They hadn’t been back to their mother’s apartment in more than a year.  

Living with her grandmother was nothing like life with her mother. For starters, there was food in the refrigerator and no one was drunk and barging through the front door at 3 a.m. She could even have friends come over without looking for somewhere else to meet up. Tasha found herself smiling more. It was better – everything was better – but at the same time, nothing had changed. 

She glanced around the room once more before heading to the kitchen to collect snacks before Patterson arrived.  

“Just 2,240 days to go,” she whispered as she padded into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of potato chips from the pantry.  

Her countdown had once been just a count until she was free from everything. Free from her mother and her endless stream of boyfriends, free from her perpetual feeling of shame at being somehow less than everyone else, free from Hunt’s Point, free from the kids at school. Just free. Now, she was free from her mother and all the baggage that came along with that but Tasha still yearned for the freedom to become her own person, make her own decisions, and move on from everything ugly that filled her life.  

Everything ugly, of course, but her friendship with Patterson. That day in the New York Public Library nearly two years earlier had been one of the best things that had happened to Tasha. She’d found a best friend in the blonde girl from Park Slope.  

Tasha was rummaging around in the refrigerator for a couple of sodas when she heard the knock on the door. She’d know that knock anywhere. It was Patterson.  

“Alex! Grab the door for me? It’s Patterson,” she called over her shoulder to the living room where her younger brother was watching  _Animaniacs_  on the couch.  

She heard his loud sigh followed by his exaggerated stomping footsteps towards the front door. He worked the door chain and opened the apartment door, leaving it open so Patterson could walk in.  

“Your  _girlfriend_ is here,” he moaned in Tasha’s general direction as he turned back towards his cartoon. She was already heading towards the door with drinks and snacks in hand, and she shot him a dirty look. Patterson was most definitely  _not_  her girlfriend. She was a girl and her friend but not her  _girlfriend_. Tasha was annoyed he’d said it. What did he even mean by that? Girls don’t  _have_ girlfriends. They simply have girls who are friends. And Patterson was her best friend. 

“Hey P,” she smiled and used her foot to close the door behind her friend as Patterson stepped through the doorway, her backpack slung over one shoulder. “I don’t know what his problem is. Come on, we can go to my room.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Patterson said with a shrug as she followed Tasha further into the apartment. “My brother says stupid stuff like that, too. I think it’s a brother thing. I keep asking my dad why I wasn’t an only child.” 

Tasha handed Patterson a can of soda and they quickly retreated to her bedroom. Once inside, she shut the door as Patterson dropped her backpack onto the bed. She flopped down on the mattress next to it. Tasha’s hand hovered over the lock. Typically, she locked it every time she entered if only to keep her brothers out, but she felt funny locking it now after Alex’s comment. Instead, Tasha turned back to Patterson and plopped down on the bed next to her, bumping her stack of textbooks as she collapsed and brushing her hand against Patterson’s. She tore open the bag of chips and grabbed a handful before offering it to her friend.  

“What’s your homework in?” Patterson asked around a mouthful of chips. “I’ve got Latin and pre-calc. Oh, and a lab report for biology. Frog dissection. Totally gross.” 

Tasha sat up and shifted backwards on the bed until her back was hitting the wall. She leaned forward and grabbed for her pile of books. She picked them up one by one and dropped them unceremoniously back down as she rattled off her assignments.  

“Spanish — what a joke—, a chapter of earth science reading, computer programming, and —” 

“Computer programming?” Patterson interrupted. She sat up abruptly and grabbed the paperback textbook out of Tasha’s hand. She flipped through it eagerly. “I didn’t know you were taking a computer course!” 

Tasha shrugged and tried to hold back an oversized grin. The computer programming course was an elective. She’d only signed up for it because Patterson was so interested in programming and computers. It gave her an excuse to get extra help from her friend. They could bond over their excitement of a C prompt and the new modem Patterson’s dad had just gotten for her computer.  

“Yeah,” Tasha grinned. “It’s just an elective but I thought it would be cool.” 

“Super cool,” Patterson agreed. She set the book back down and frowned at Tasha. Her eyes were still dancing with excitement, and Tasha couldn’t help but notice how bright they shone. “We should have done this at my place. Coulda used the computer.” 

“Next time,” Tasha replied.  

Patterson set the book down and grabbed for her backpack. She unzipped it and pulled her own stack of homework out. She set it down in her lap as she sorted through her work.  

“Okay, okay, okay, okay,” she said happily, bouncing slightly on the mattress. “Let’s get to work. Maybe we can grab pizza after.” 

 *** 

Patterson was actually enjoying pre-calculus. She was the youngest in her class, but she liked the challenge of it. Normally she plowed right through her homework, but today she was having a hard time focusing. She grabbed another handful of chips and chewed thoughtfully as she tried to redirect her attention to the set of problems in her book. Her mind was stuck on the encounter with Tasha’s brother at the front door.  

_It’s your_ girlfriend, he’d said. There’d been more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice but it was his word choice that was bothering her.  

Before leaving for their study session, Patterson spent more than an hour trying on clothes, discarding one outfit after the next, until she finally settled on the first one she’d tried on. She didn’t know why, and she couldn’t explain it, but she’d had an inexplicable case of nerves since she stepped onto the subway. Her stomach churned and it felt like someone had let a dozen butterflies loose inside her. Now that she was sitting side by side with Tasha, the butterflies were flying in earnest. Patterson snuck a glance over at Tasha.  

The brunette was sitting cross-legged on her bed, computer programming book resting on her lap. She was chewing slightly on her bottom lip and then tucked a piece of hair behind her right ear. Tasha did this all the time. Patterson had seen her tuck her hair behind her ear hundreds of times before. Now, it struck her as one of the most adorable things she’d ever seen someone do. She fought the urge to reach out and untuck and retuck the stray hair herself.  

_What are you thinking_? Patterson’s mind screamed at her. She tore her gaze away from Tasha and forced herself to look back down at her book.  

Patterson knew exactly what she was feeling. It wasn’t her first crush, after all. It was, however, the strongest one she’d ever had. The previous year she’d been utterly infatuated by Jimmy Bennett, a boy a grade ahead of her who sat next to her in English class. She laughed at his stupid jokes and on more than one occasion caught herself staring at his hair instead of the lesson on the chalkboard. But it had passed the first time he’d answered a simple question with what Patterson was certain was the dumbest answer anyone had ever given in the history of the world. The way she felt about Jimmy for that one week was how she now felt about Tasha. But the feelings were amplified by about one thousand.  

_That’s not right_ , Patterson thought.  _It can’t be the same thing. Tasha's a girl. She’s a_ girl _. That’s not how it’s supposed to work_.  

*** 

Tasha fiddled with her pencil and fought the urge to tap it on the page of her computer programming book. She bit her lower lip and tucked a strand of hair behind her left ear. She wiped her palms on the legs of her jeans. They felt a little slick. Any semblance of concentration was gone. She blamed Alex and his stupid comment. What did he mean,  _girlfriend_? Patterson wasn’t her girlfriend. They were friends. Patterson was her very best friend.  

Who was Tasha kidding? Patterson was her only friend. And yes, sure, okay, she felt nervous and antsy whenever she was around her lately. It felt like butterflies were living in her stomach and she couldn’t stop smiling every time she looked at Patterson or talked to her. Her heart seemed to beat a little bit faster at the mere idea of seeing her. But they were friends. Nothing more.  

Maybe this is what it felt like to have a best friend. Or  _any_ friend for that matter. Patterson was the first person outside of her family that Tasha spent this much time with.  

Tasha stared down at her computer programming book and tried to focus on the chapter she’d been assigned to read. Instead her mind wandered away again. She’d never reacted like this to anyone before. There were no boys in her class that made her mind run away and she couldn’t think of anyone who made her heart race. The girls in her classes and on the bus giggled about boys they liked and talked about cute actors from their favorite TV shows. Tasha wasn’t interested in any of that. While they talked about the boy from  _Home Improvement_ , Tasha’s mind drifted off to the thought of seeing Patterson after school or what she might think about that new space movie starring Tom Hanks.  

_But that’s just because_ _she’s my_ _friend_ , Tasha thought.

She snuck a glance at Patterson and saw the blonde girl furrow her brow as her eyes narrowed onto the page she was reading and she twisted her lips. She looked like she was deep in concentration. 

_She’s really cute when she does that_ , came Tasha’s next thought. When she realized what she just thought, Tasha straightened up slightly.  _She’s my best friend. It’s not a crush. … What if it_ is _a crush?_ _Is this what a crush feels like?_  

Tasha ran a hand over her face and closed her programming book. She needed to get away from Patterson. She needed space to think and if she kept sitting her next to her friend, thinking the thoughts she was thinking, she was afraid she’d fall into a full-on panic attack. It was one thing to have a panic attack in the hallway at school. The kids there already thought she was weird and a giant loser. She didn’t need Patterson seeing her lose control.  

“I’ll be right back,” she said as she got up. “Bathroom.” 

She didn’t wait for Patterson’s reply. Tasha quickly ducked out of the room and moved down the hallway to the bathroom. She shut and locked the door behind her and then slumped onto the floor with her back to it. She felt her heart rate begin returning to normal and her breath began to come more easily. Her mind returned to the thoughts that spurred what she feared would turn into a panic attack.  

If she had a crush on Patterson, what did that mean? Was Alex right? Did she  _want_  Patterson to be her girlfriend?  

_We’re both girls!_  Tasha insisted.  _What does that mean?_   

Tasha closed her eyes and thought about the boys in school that all the girls were always talking about. She thought about the actors on the covers of the teen magazines at the bodega down the street. They were just... boys. Nothing special. Patterson’s face intruded on her thoughts then, pushing aside her mental images of the actors and classmates, and Tasha smiled. Her eyes were beautiful and her hair looked so soft.  

_And she’s so smart and friendly and kind and sweet..._  

Tasha’s heart began to race again and her eyes flew open. She shook her head rapidly in a pathetic attempt to clear her mind.  

Tasha didn’t know what any of this meant and didn’t really know how to wrap her mind around it. But she was pretty certain of one thing: she had a crush on her best friend.   

*** 

**New York City**  
**2010**

Tasha starred into her bedroom mirror and studied her reflection. Her hair looked flat and she wasn’t completely sold on her blouse. It was cut well and flattered her figure but maybe the color was wrong. Maybe it was too dark? Or maybe she shouldn’t wear something so low cut? She didn’t know, but she’d been staring into the mirror for at least 15 minutes now and the longer she stared, the more unhappy she became with her appearance.  

“Get it together, Zapata,” she said to the empty room as she turned away from her image and headed towards the bathroom to try to do something with her flat hair.  

When she’d asked Patterson to go to dinner with her, she was asking her out as a date. Fifteen years ago, when she first realized she might have feelings for her best friend, Tasha had spent weeks — months even — trying to figure out what that meant. She’d gone to the library and read through tons of books and magazines until it all made sense. The reason she wasn’t interested in any of the boys that made her classmates giggle was simple; it was the same reason that her best friend made her heart race: Tasha Zapata was a lesbian.  

Now, she wanted to act on all those feelings she’d denied herself all those years ago. She wanted to take Patterson out, hold her hand, kiss her lips, and stroke her hair. Tasha was no longer afraid of how she felt or of asking out the beautiful women she was interested in. So, she’d asked. Patterson was back in her life, more beautiful than ever, and Tasha still had strong feelings for her. Tasha had measured every other woman she dated up to what she’d come to think of as the “Patterson Standard.” It was impossibly high – no one would ever be as amazing and perfect as her memory of Patterson was. But here was her chance with Patterson again. It’d come back around. Someone who could and did measure up to the “Patterson Standard.” 

She must have been vague with her intentions, though. That’s the only thing Tasha could think of. When she’d asked Patterson to dinner, she thought Patterson would accept. She didn’t think, though, that Patterson would include her boyfriend in her acceptance.  

_Patterson has a boyfriend_. The whole idea of it made Tasha a little queasy.  _That means she’s not gay and I have no shot._  

“Just another straight girl crush,” Tasha said miserably as she scooped her purse up from where she’d dropped it earlier and grabbed her phone out of the charger. If it was anyone other than Patterson, she’d have canceled the date. The pain of chasing a straight girl was too much, but this was different. It was Patterson. 

*** 

“Is that what you’re wearing?” Patterson asked as soon as David opened his door to let her in. He was dressed fairly casually in khaki slacks and a button-down shirt that looked like it came from a thrift shop. 

David shrugged and gave Patterson a confused half-smile as he adjusted his glasses.  

“What’s wrong with it?” 

Patterson sighed.  

“I don’t know. Nothing, I guess,” she said. “It’s fine.” 

David looked down at clothes and frowned. He’d actually put a little bit of effort into looking nice for this dinner. Patterson had talked nearly non-stop for two hours about dinner with her friend, and it seemed important to her. If Tasha was important to Patterson, he wanted to make a good impression on her. He picked his keys up from a nearby table and shoved his wallet into his pocket.  

“You sure?” he asked cautiously. He looked back towards his bedroom. “I could go change. You could pick something —” 

“No, it’s fine,” Patterson interrupted. “Forget I said anything. I’m just, I guess I’m nervous.” 

“Nervous? About what?” David asked. “I thought you said Tasha was an old friend.” 

Patterson didn’t respond immediately. This was one of the questions she’d been asking herself ever since she left Tasha in the subway. Why did her stomach do somersaults at the idea of going to dinner with Tasha? Why was her heart racing at the simple idea of sitting across a restaurant table from her childhood best friend? And why had she invited David?  

“I don’t know,” she replied finally. “It’s just been a really long time, and Tasha was my best friend in the whole world. I never thought I’d see her again.” 

David smiled and wrapped her up in a hug.  

“Well, I’m glad you invited me along then,” he said. “It sounds like Tasha’s important to you, so she’s important to me, too.” 

*** 

Tasha’s original plan had been to take Patterson out to dinner. She’d make reservations and everything. Her first thought had been Vinegar Hill House. Would a meal for two with wine cost more money than her old job at the NYPD paid in one day? Yes. Would it be the perfect place to take Patterson on what she hoped would be the first of many dates? Yes again. Was it appropriate to invite the woman she was lusting over when said woman was straight and bringing her boyfriend? ...Probably not.  

So she’d scrapped her plans. Now she found herself waiting on the sidewalk outside of Juliana’s, one of the best pizza places in DUMBO, waiting for Patterson and her boyfriend for a casual definitely-not-a-date dinner.  

The word “boyfriend” made Tasha a little sick. As a teenager, she didn’t know if Patterson was gay or into her at all. Her gaydar had been woefully underdeveloped for  _years_  but as she thought about her friendship with Patterson, Tasha had convinced herself that not only was Patterson into girls, she was into her. She couldn’t believe how wrong she’d been. They’d been friends. Nothing more.  

“Hey Tasha!” Patterson called as she crossed the street, dragging along a tall, thin man behind her. She finally let go of his hand and dashed the rest of the way to where Tasha was waiting. She wrapped Tasha in a big hug and kissed her cheek. “Wow, you look amazing.” 

Tasha felt herself turn slightly red. Maybe she’d given her top too much thought. She wasn’t the only one who’d put in some effort, though. Patterson was dressed in a simple blue wrap dress, and Tasha wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen anyone look so beautiful. 

“Thanks. So do you,” she murmured as they separated. She looked at David who was just reaching the sidewalk and held out her hand. “You must be David?” 

Patterson seemed to have forgotten her boyfriend was standing there as a look of surprise crossed her face. She turned quickly back to him and put a hand on his arm.  

“Right! Tash, this is David,” she said. “David, this is Tasha. She was my best friend growing up. She’s working at the NYO with me now.” 

“You may have mentioned that a few times,” David said good naturedly.  

He took Tasha’s outstretched hand and shook it. He gave her a subtle once-over and knew there was something Patterson hadn’t told him. She’d chattered non-stop about Tasha the entire trip from his apartment to the restaurant. And then there was her greeting. She’d ditched him in the middle of the street and run over to this woman. He’d never seen Patterson talk about or greet anyone like that before –  _not even him._  Patterson might be his girlfriend but there was something more than a friendship between her and Tasha.  

“Good to meet you,” he said and flashed a friendly smile. “Any friend of Patterson’s is a friend of mine.” 

Tasha returned his smile and glanced to the restaurant’s door. As usual, Juliana’s was filling up quickly.  

“Hungry?” she asked. “We should probably grab a table before there are none to get.” 

Patterson nodded and grinned. She linked arms with Tasha and began walking towards the door as David went ahead and held the door open for them. After a few moments they were seated in a booth, Patterson and David on one side while Tasha sat opposite. Their conversation died down a bit while they studied the menus.  

“So what do you guys wanna get?” David asked after a minute. “Anything sound good? Just a cheese, maybe?” 

Patterson set her menu down dramatically and rolled her eyes.  

“David is a purist,” she explained. “Sauce, cheese, crust.” 

Tasha wasn't sure how to respond to this. This was Patterson’s boyfriend after all, but “pizza purist” was really just code for “boring.” She set her own menu down and flashed Patterson a slightly mischievous grin.  

“If I remember you correctly, you’re the exact opposite,” she said and then turned her gaze to David. “Can we put bets on what kind of pizza Patterson wants?” 

David set his menu down and raised an eyebrow behind the thick frames of his glasses.  

“A bet? What kind of bet?” he asked.  

“We’ll each write down what we think she’ll order,” Tasha explained, fishing a small notepad from her purse. “Loser buys the first round of drinks?” 

David considered this for a moment and then nodded.  

“Sure,” he agreed. “We’ve been together for a while. I’m pretty sure I know Patterson.” 

Tasha’s grin broadened.  

“Awfully cocky,” she said as she handed him a blank piece of paper and a pen. She turned her attention to her own paper and quickly scribbled down her guess. She used her arm to hide her paper so neither could see what she’d written. She hesitated and looked up. “We’re just talking pizza, right? We weren’t old enough to drink so I don’t know if I know her drink order.” 

David laughed.  

“Take a stab at it,” he prodded. “We won’t count that, but I’m curious how well you know Patterson.” 

Tasha bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear. She gave a single nod and then turned back to the paper. She thought for a moment and then wrote something down.  

They both turned and looked at Patterson expectantly.  

“What?” she asked.  

“Come on, Patterson,” Tasha said. “Tell us. What kind of pizza do you want?” 

“Are we really doing this?” the blonde asked, crossing her arms and leaning back in the booth. 

“Yes!” they replied simultaneously.  

“Tell us,” David said. 

Patterson sighed.  

“Fine. The Number One sounded pretty good,” she admitted. She looked from Tasha to David and waited for one of them to react. Neither did. “So? Who got it right?” 

David held up a hand to stop Tasha from turning her piece of paper over so they could see.  

“What about a drink?” he pressed. 

She rolled her eyes again. 

“Blue Moon.” 

Tasha covered her mouth with the palm of her hand to hide the huge smile that threatened to take over her entire face. She saw David’s face fall into a slight frown.  

“Really? A Number One? With truffles and pancetta and no tomatoes?” 

Patterson nodded.  

“Yeah. Sounds delicious.” 

He turned away from Patterson to look at Tasha who’d dropped her hand and somehow  managed to wipe the smile off her face.  

“There’s no way you got that,” he said and turned his own paper over. He’d chosen a Number Six, a chicken pizza served with guacamole,  but had gotten her drink right.  

Tasha turned her paper over and slid it nonchalantly across the table. She watched as David read her sloppy writing and his mouth fell open.  

“How?! How did you get that?” he asked, his voice rising in disbelief. He looked accusingly at Patterson. “Even the beer? Did you guys plan this? Was I just hustled? You guys talked about this. There’s no way.” 

Patterson leaned over David and grabbed the piece of paper Tasha had slid over. She read it once and then again before looking up and smiling at Tasha. She reached across the table to give Tasha a high five. 

“Good job, Tash.” 

Tasha blushed as she slapped Patterson’s waiting hand. 

“I really just guessed on the beer,” she admitted. “Patterson likes drinks that are sweet. Blue Moon is the sweetest beer they have. But the pizza? That was a no-brainer. Easy.” 

Patterson frowned. 

“Are you saying I’m predictable?” she mock pouted. 

Tasha shook her head.  

“Not at all, chiquita” she replied, falling back to a nickname she hadn't used in years. “I just know you. You were my best friend once, and it sounded completely like something I’d order.” 

David shook his head and frowned. He looked back down at his menu with a disappointed look on his face.  

“Is that what you guys want then?” 

“You can get a cheese pizza if you want,” Patterson soothed, patting him on the arm. “And don’t feel bad that my best girl friend knows me better than my boyfriend.” 

The phrase “girl friend” pricked at Tasha’s ear and she felt goosebumps break out on her arm. She knew Patterson hadn’t meant it the same way but nevertheless, it sounded wonderful coming from her. At the same time, hearing it was like being stabbed. She knew Patterson would never say it the way she wished she would, as in “this is my girlfriend, Tasha.” 

*** 

Patterson was in the bathroom after dinner. She’d excused herself from the conversation and locked herself in the single stall restroom. Her hands were on both sides of the small sink and she stared at herself in the mirror as she willed her heart rate to return to normal and for the butterflies to stop fluttering around in her stomach. 

Maybe going to dinner with Tasha wasn’t a good idea. Clearly, she still had a crush on her. The same crush she’d tried to quash all those years ago. How was it possible that Tasha Zapata had returned to her life and she looked more beautiful than ever? It felt like the feelings she’d had for Tasha as a teenager were just as strong as they’d been fifteen years ago. 

_No_ , she decided.  _I shouldn’t have gone to dinner with Tasha_  and  _David. This was a mistake._   

Three was a crowd. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The evening was almost over. She’d go home with David. He’d insist on walking her to her door and he’d probably stay the night. All she wanted right now was to be alone with her thoughts. Tasha had done nothing to indicate she had any interest in her all night long. They’d laughed and told stories about meeting at the library and playing video games at an arcade in the Village. It’d been a friendly night.  

_So why do I feel like this_? Patterson’s mind asked and then immediately supplied the answer for her.  _Because you’d rather go home with Tasha than David_.  

Patterson let out a long breath and washed her hands. Her crush was alive and well, and now she was in big trouble.  


	5. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Heard you kicked Reade’s ass,” Patterson said as she opened her own locker. She looked at Tasha out of the corner of her eye and saw her friend turn towards her. 
> 
> “Knocked him right on his butt,” Tasha said proudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came really quickly. Chapter six may take some time. I still don't have a clear idea where I'm heading.
> 
> Kudos to my girlfriend for giving me the main plot points for this chapter. Without her, it could have been days, weeks even, until this chapter was written.

**New York City**  
**1995**

Patterson was mildly obsessed with Coney Island. It was a lot cleaner and safer than it had been when her parents took her as a kid, but a lot of the area was mostly unchanged. The Thunderbolt was still there and she could almost guarantee a mile-long line at Nathan’s. She could almost taste the hotdogs.  

She convinced Tasha to spend the first day of summer vacation with her there, but truth be told, it hadn’t taken a whole lot of convincing. Patterson told her about the arcade games and the old woman who read tarot cards but when she said Nathan’s hotdogs, Tasha’s eyes lit up and she was sold. Now they were riding the subway together on their way to one of Patterson’s favorite places.  

“What do you wanna do first?” Patterson asked. “The beach? Ferris wheel? Oh! The Thunderbolt!” 

Tasha laughed.  

“Calm down, P,” she said. “We can do it all. We have all day. School’s out, remember?” 

Patterson nodded solemnly and frowned slightly. School was one of her favorite things.  

“I remember,” Patterson replied. She brightened. “Space camp starts in three weeks!” 

The subway slowed to a stop and Patterson strained to understand the voice that echoed over the intercom.  

“Either that guy just said ‘Coney Island Stillwell Avenue’ or,” she put a hand over her mouth to mimic the voice, "'Only I would and still will haven't you.’”  

Tasha peered out the window and saw the Coney Island sign on the platform. She brushed Patterson with the back of her hand and gestured to the sign.  

“This is it. We’re here.” 

“Only I would?!” Patterson joked. She jumped to her feet, picked up her backpack, and went to the opening door. She grabbed Tasha’s arm and pulled her along behind her. “Come on, Tash! This is going to be so much fun!” 

They spent the next few hours pumping quarters into the video games at Luna Arcade and Tasha absolutely destroyed Patterson on the bumper cars. They were walking the boardwalk a little later when Patterson pointed at a colorful sign up ahead.  

“Oh! A fortune teller!” she cried around a mouthful of hotdog. “We have to do that!” 

Tasha looked skeptically at the woman sitting in front of the booth in a metal folding chair. She was dressed like a sideshow gypsy and was smoking a cigarette. 

“Really? She asked, furrowing her brow. “Aren't fortune tellers just full of it? I mean no one can tell the future.” 

“Except Madame Lenora,” Patterson replied. She grabbed Tasha’s hand and led her to the booth. “It’ll be fun, Tash.” 

The fortune teller put out her cigarette as she watched the two girls approach. She stood up, smiled, and gestured broadly at her small booth.  

“Ah, two beautiful young girls! You're interested in your future, no doubt. Come! Let Madame Lenora read the cards for you,” she said with an air of mysticism in her voice. She looked at Tasha and dropped the showmanship. Her voice took on a serious tone. “You have an interesting energy. I’d really like to read you if you'll let me.” 

Tasha cast Patterson a look that seemed to say “what have you gotten me in to.” 

“Come on, Tash,” Patterson pleaded, pushing Tasha towards Madame Lenora and pulling a five dollar bill from her wallet. “It’s fun. Do it. I’ll even pay.” 

Madame Lenora looked at Tasha expectantly and tipped her head to the side. When Tasha finally took a single hesitant step forward, the fortune teller broke into a smile and held her arm out to usher Tasha into the booth. She turned back to Patterson and took the money from her outstretched hand.  

“You’ll wait here, of course,” Madame Lenora said, her mystical voice returning. “All readings are personal and confidential.” 

The fortune teller didn’t wait for a reply. She turned quickly and followed Tasha in a blur of colorful robes. Tasha had stopped just inside the booth and was looking at a wall that had been painted with zodiac signs. The artwork was cartoonish but Tasha was struck by the intricacy of the work. She jumped when Madame Lenora appeared behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.  

“Shall we?” she asked as she pointed to a black curtain that divided the rear of the booth from the front. She pushed her hand between a hidden seam and held the curtain back to allow Tasha to enter the room. It was furnished with just a single wooden table surrounded by two chairs. Madame Lenora sat down in the furthest and waited as Tasha sat across from her. “I am Madame Lenora, and you are?”  

Tasha reached out and grasped the fortune teller’s outstretched hand. The bangle bracelets on the woman’s arm jingled slightly.  

“Tasha.” 

“Well, then, Tasha, shall we begin?”  

Tasha gave a shrug and played with her hands nervously. She had no idea what she was expected to do.  

“You seem nervous,” Madame Lenora said. “This is your first reading." There was no hint of question in her voice. It was a simple statement. 

Tasha nodded. 

“It’s okay,” the fortune teller said. She smiled as she took out a deck of tarot cards and set them on the table. “Your part is easy. You get to sit in that chair, answer a few simple questions, and I’ll do the rest. Feel free to ask questions, too. It’s  _your_ reading after all, sweetie. Ready?” 

“Sure.” 

Madame Lenora gave a single nod.  

“First thing, what kind of reading do you want?” She saw the confused look on Tasha’s face and continued on. “I can do palm readings, tarot cards, astrology, tea leaves...” she trailed off.  

Tasha shook her head.  

“I have no idea,” she said.  

Another nod from Madame Lenora.  

“That’s okay,” she said pleasantly. She pushed the cards away and rested her elbows on the table. “If you have no preference... When I saw you approaching, I was hit by a  _very_ strong psychic wave. If you’ll give me your hand, I’d love to read you.” 

Tasha fought the urge to roll her eyes at the phrase “psychic wave.” It sounded like utter garbage. Instead she held out her right hand. The fortune teller took it and turned it over so it was palm up. She traced her fingers over the soft skin and then stopped abruptly, not releasing her hand. She looked up at Tasha and met her eyes.  

“You’ve had a very hard life for someone so young,” she said matter-of-factly. “A broken home. Maybe someone you love has a substance abuse problem. That’s so sad. You’re much too young for that kind of thing. And, someone has hurt you. Physically, I mean. More than one someone. But it’s not a relative. It’s been a very hard life for you. I’m so sorry.” Madame Lenora paused and closed her eyes serenly. The sound of her breathing filled the room and it seemed to be heavier and more ragged than it had been just moments earlier. Tasha’s own breathing became slightly shallower. She wondered if maybe Patterson had set her up and told Madame Lenora about her. The woman’s “reading” seemed a little too dead on.  

The pensive expression on the fortune teller’s face changed and her features softened slightly. She continued on. 

"But it looks like it’s been getting better. Your future... your future is exciting. You’re very brave, and I see adventures for you. Not just travel, but extraordinary adventures with a small group you’ll trust with your life.  

“There’s a mysterious woman. I see a... a bird? That doesn’t make sense but, I see a bird associated with her. She appears to be a force for good but there’s something that's also evil about her. I hate to use that word but I can’t think of another that is adequate. She’ll appear in your life out of nowhere and she’ll be as big of a mystery to herself as she is to you. Her appearance in your life, though, is key to your path.” 

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. She held Tasha’s gaze and looked at her intently.  

“Your path is interesting, Tasha,” she said slowly. She gave her a large smile. “I don’t see things like this often. I know how that must sound, but it’s the truth. I see an incredible love in your future, perhaps an unconventional one. It’s strange. This love feels like it’s so close to the present but at the same time it’s so far away. Loves like this one are...  _rare_. If you recognize it when you come upon it, you will find the love of your life. It’ll be your one true soulmate. You’ll wonder if this person shares your feelings. The answer is an emphatic yes.” 

*** 

Patterson was waiting impatiently outside of the fortune teller’s booth when Tasha finally emerged 15 minutes later. The Latina was slightly pale-faced and she blinked hard into the June sun. She almost didn’t see her friend sitting on the bench across the boardwalk from Madame Lenora’s booth.  

“Hey!” Patterson called, waving to Tasha as she stood up and rushed over to her. “How was it? What’d she tell you? Are you going to be rich and famous? Don’t forget me when you are!” 

Tasha shook her head.  

“It was all garbage,” she said dismissively. “She said I’d meet a mysterious woman who was a ‘key’ to my path, whatever that means.”  

Patterson’s eyes searched Tasha’s face and she noticed how flush her friend looked.  

“Are you okay? You look like you don’t feel well.” 

“I’m okay,” Tasha lied and tucked her hair behind her ear. The reading had actually hit her pretty hard, but she wouldn’t tell Patterson that. Madame Lenora had been convincing enough that she believed her despite herself. “I’m really hot, though. Wanna hit the beach? Get sodas?” 

“Yes!” Patterson replied eagerly. “Beach me, please!” 

Tasha smiled at Patterson’s excitement. She was always up for adventures and fun. It was one of the things Tasha loved about her.  

They headed down to the beachfront and stood near the water’s edge. Patterson shucked her shorts and t-shirt, tucking them away into her backpack. She set her bag down in the sand and adjusted the strings on her bikini top before walking knee deep into the water. She turned and looked expectantly at Tasha. 

Tasha was still standing next to Patterson’s bag. She was doing her best not to stare at her friend. It wasn’t the first time she’d gone swimming with her, but it was the first time she’d seen her in a bikini. They’d been nearly kids when they first met, but it was extremely obvious now that those days had gone. Patterson looked absolutely incredible in the two-piece suit.  

“Are you coming?” Patterson asked.  

“Yeah,” Tasha replied, tearing her gaze from Patterson's barely covered form. “Coming.” 

Her hands went to the waist of her denim shorts and she worked the button and zipper in a near single movement. She started to remove her t-shirt and then stopped, folded her shorts up and set them inside her own bag. She saw Patterson watching her as she made her way into the water.  

“I didn’t bring sunscreen,” Tasha lied. “I don’t want to burn.” 

“You sure? Your shirt is gonna be soaked. Did you bring another?” 

Tasha hesitated. She hadn’t thought about that but there was no way she was taking her shirt off. She shrugged nonchalantly.  

“It’s okay. I’ll just dry it under a dryer in the bathroom after,” she said and dove into the water.  

The water was still a little cold for the end of June but the air was warm. It felt refreshing, and Tasha ducked her head under the waves. When she surfaced again Patterson was missing.  

“P?” she asked when she finished wiping the water out of her face. “Where’d you go?” 

Something grabbed her leg and pulled. Tasha fell backwards with a splash as Patterson surfaced next to her. The blonde floated alongside her and laughed.  

“Got you!” 

Tasha splashed Patterson, getting water into her face.  

“That was not funny!” 

“Hey!” Patterson protested between laughs. “My mouth was open!” 

Tasha shrugged and splashed her again. Within seconds their quick dip turned into a full-on water fight. Finally, Tasha dragged herself out of the water and collapsed on the sand. Patterson dropped next to her and they fought to catch their breath. Tasha grabbed a towel from her backpack and wrapped it around herself. The air may have been warm but the breeze most definitely was not, and her wet shirt clung to her making her even colder. 

Patterson noticed Tasha’s slight shiver and she glanced over her shoulder to the bathhouse. When she looked back, she thought Tasha’s lips looked a little blue. She needed to get dry again.  

“Do you wanna go try to dry your shirt?” she asked. “You look like you’re freezing.” 

Taha followed her gaze to the bathhouse and she gave a reluctant nod.  

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” 

She grabbed her bag from its place in the sand and started towards the bathhouse. She heard someone jogging behind her and looked back. Patterson had picked up her own backpack and was hurrying to catch up with her. Tasha stopped walking and waited.  

“You didn’t have to wait,” Patterson said when she finally caught up. “I’d have met you there.” 

“If you don’t want me to wait for you...” Tasha said, trailing off. She started walking again, more briskly than before. 

“Hey!” Patterson complained and picked up her own pace. She reached Tasha and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together. “You’re not getting away from me that easily!” 

Tasha’s chest suddenly felt tight. Patterson was holding her hand and was now walking ever so casually next to her. If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought her friend was trying to kill her. First, she looked amazing in her bikini and now the hand holding. She tried to pretend she didn’t notice as they approached the open door. Patterson let go of her hand as they entered and Tasha looked around for an unoccupied hand dryer.  

Patterson spotted one first and tapped Tasha on the shoulder. She pointed at the dryer.  

“There,” she said as they moved over to it. “I’m gonna use the bathroom while you work on that.” 

A wave of relief flooded over Tasha. She moved to take off her soaked t-shirt but waited until Patterson was inside a stall with the door shut before she pulled it off. She hit the dryer’s button with the palm of her hand and held the shirt beneath it, willing it to dry as quickly as possible. She hit the button about three times but her shirt still felt as if she hadn’t tried to dry it off at all.  

Tasha felt fingers on her back and she jumped, dropping her shirt on the floor. She whirled around with her right hand balled into a tight fist. She was ready to punch whoever it was.  

“Woah! Woah!” Patterson cried, putting her own hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you! I thought you heard me. “ 

Tasha released her fist and put a hand to her heart. It was pounding in her chest.  

“Oh my god, Patterson,” she breathed. “You scared me!” 

“I’m sorry!” Patteson apologized again. “I got out of the bathroom and saw the marks on your back. I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I just.... you have so many scars on your back. What happened?”  

Tasha turned her back on Patterson and hurriedly scooped her shirt off the floor. She started to pull it back over her head. Patterson grabbed at the shirt’s hem and pulled it away, leaving Tasha’s back exposed except for the straps of her own bikini top. 

“Stop,” she said. “Where did you get those? Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Tasha said quietly. She’d been trying to avoid these questions for years – ever since the first scar formed on her back. She balled her shirt up in her hands and bit her lip hard to keep herself from crying. In gym class, she made a point to change in the bathroom stalls so no one would see and she’d kept her shirt on down on the beach so Patterson wouldn’t see. Now she felt vulnerable and embarrassed.  

“Hey,” Patterson said softly. She put a hand on Tasha’s shoulder and turned her around so they were facing each other again. She spotted the tears that had started to form in Tasha’s eyes and she wrapped her in a tight hug. “Hey, don’t do that. Tash, please. Don’t cry. Come on. Let’s go outside.” 

Tasha let Patterson lead her outside and to a bench. She sat down and sniffed loudly, wiping away her tears.  

“They’re not new,” she said suddenly. “The scars, I mean. Well, some of them are. Most of them are older.” 

Patterson frowned and shook her head. 

“You don’t have to,” she began. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I didn’t mean to... I’m sorry.” 

Tasha pulled herself together in one decided movement. She sat up straighter and took a deep breath, wiping the last of her tears away.  

“Don’t apologize,” she said. “I’ve spent so long hiding them from people.” She turned so that Patterson could fully see her back. There were at least a dozen scars. Some were smaller than a dime while others were several inches long, jagged, and ugly. She reached a hand behind herself and touched a cluster of small scars near her left shoulder. “Those are from my mom’s old boyfriend Julio. I was six, seven maybe. He liked to put his cigarettes out on me. Matteo, my older brother, has two just like this on his arm.”  

She grabbed Patterson’s hand and guided it to the right side of her lower back where two long jagged scars seemed to form a v-shape. She let her press her fingers against the ruined skin.  

“Bill, another of mom’s mistakes, broke a bottle and threw it at me. No,” she corrected herself, taking a deep breath. “He shoved it at me. I had stitches to close it.”  

She moved Patterson’s hand to another cluster of scars near her waist just above the v-shaped scars. This cluster wrapped around to her stomach. 

"These are new,” she admitted. Her voice grew quiet. She felt Patterson’s fingers running over the small marks. This was the first time anyone other than her mother, grandmother, or a doctor had seen her scars. She’d never let anyone see them, let alone touch them. “Andre. He liked to play with his lighter.” 

Tasha fell silent as she felt Patterson’s fingers trace each of the scars on her back. There was something in the way the blonde was touching them that made Tasha feel less ashamed of the blemishes. In that moment, she’d never felt more secure about herself. Finally, Patterson pulled her hand away. Tasha hesitated before turning back around to face her friend. Patterson’s face was neutral but her eyes were full of sadness.  

“I’ve never shown anyone before,” Tasha said. “They’re ugly.” 

Patterson’s face broke and she frowned deeply. She shook her head and grabbed both of Tasha’s hands. She squeezed them.  

“Don’t say that,” she reprimanded her quietly. “You’re beautiful. There’s nothing ugly about you.” 

*** 

**New York City**  
**2010**

It’d taken a little time, but Tasha had finally broken the ice and found a rhythm with her new partner. Edgar Reade was exactly how she’d though he would be. He was extremely by-the-book with a definite opinion on what was right and what was wrong. He wore a three-piece suit every single day and Tasha was almost certain she could see her reflection in his over polished shoes.  

She’d brought him coffee from her favorite shop on the first day they were partnered together. Reade had accepted it but Tasha notice he didn’t drink it. When she called him out on it, he explained that he didn’t like coffee. On their first assignment out, he’d played it safe, asking just the questions that the instructors in the Academy would have given him a gold star for. Tasha, however, had played it the same way she had at the NYPD. They were oil and water.  

Until, that is, they stopped by a bar after work and went shot for shot on scotch. They soon realized that not only could they work together, but they might actually work well together. Part of working well together meant working as a team so they’d agreed to meet up in the training room for a few rounds of sparring.  

Reade easily dodged her punch and countered with his own low hit. Tasha spun to her right and let a high kick go. She connected with his shoulder and Reade staggered backwards, letting himself fall to the mats. 

“That’s a hell of a high kick, Zapata,” he said appreciatively as he rubbed his shoulder. His eyes roamed over her body as she approached to help him back up. She’d dressed in her standard work-out garb, black leggings and a black cropped tank top. Her dark hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. He grabbed her hand when she offered it and got back to his feet. “But what do you say we call it a day? Hit the showers?” 

Tasha laughed.  

“Sure,” she said. “You’re just afraid someone might see me kicking your ass.” 

Reade feigned a look of shock. 

“You’re kicking  _my_ ass? Oh, please, Zapata. I’m just sparing you my best moves. If I put it on, you’d be hurtin’ right now.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Tasha replied as they rounded the corner to the locker room. She followed him to the rows of lockers, stopping a row over from his at her own.  

Reade opened his locker and retrieved a towel. 

“Good work out, Zapata,” he said. “I’m gonna grab a shower. Catch ya later, okay?” 

“K,” Tasha replied as she opened her own locker. She dug around inside for a towel and the bag of toiletries she kept there. Patterson had given good advice – keep your locker stocked. You’ll need it. Since starting at the NYO, Tasha had been forced to change her clothes at least three times thanks to unexpected blood stains and she’d used the showers almost daily.  

Patterson passed Reade on his way to the showers and he gave her a friendly nod.  

“Hey Patterson.” 

“Hey Reade,” she replied. “How was the workout?” 

“You know,” he said. “Zapata and I went a couple of rounds. She’s got a hell of a high kick.” 

Patterson grinned.  

“She kicked your ass, didn’t she?” 

Reade returned her smile but shook his head.  

“Got a couple of good hits in,” he replied and continued towards the showers.  

Patterson turned towards the bank of lockers and spotted Tasha. She was still in her workout gear and was facing her open locker door. As Patterson approached, she noticed the scars she’d seen that day at Coney Island. She’d always thought they might fade with time but they looked unchanged. The same wave of anger that had passed over her when Tasha told her about them, ran through her now. Tasha’s childhood had sucked. There was no other way of putting it. Patterson felt bad about it as a teenager and she still felt bad about it now. Tasha was one of her favorite people in the whole world. She never deserved to be treated so poorly.  

“Heard you kicked Reade’s ass,” she said as she opened her own locker. She looked at Tasha out of the corner of her eye and saw her friend turn towards her.  

“Knocked him right on his butt,” Tasha said proudly. She leaned against her locker and smiled at Patterson. After all these years of not seeing her, it was crazy to see her each day at work.  

Patterson turned with a smile and held a hand up for a high five and Tasha slapped it. She couldn’t help but notice several new scars on Tasha’s abdomen, shoulder,  and hip. They hadn’t been there when they were kids. Patterson tried not to stare at them and diverted her eyes quickly. They came to rest on the swells of Tasha’s breasts and Patterson rushed to divert her eyes again. She found herself staring at the toned and well-defined contours of Tasha’s stomach. .  

_Holy hell,_  Patterson thought.  _Tasha is gorgeous. She_ really _grew up._  

“What?” Tasha asked. She noticed Patterson staring and she looked down at herself. “You’re staring. What’s wrong?” 

Patterson shook her head.  

“Sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t mean to stare. You’re - you’re beautiful. I’m sorry. That’s totally inappropriate.” 

Tasha followed Patterson’s gaze. Her friend had seen the scars on her back before but the scars on her stomach, shoulder, and hip were new.  

“They’re newish,” she explained, looking back up at Patterson. “I was shot – nothing serious – when I was 19. A friend got involved with a gang. Pushing drugs. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” 

Patterson didn’t say anything but her eyes fell on the scar on Tasha’s shoulder. It was the shape of a bullet wound. She dropped her gaze to the scar on Tasha’s hip. Her fingers automatically went to it and she ran the tip of her index finger along its jagged shape. It was at least two inches long and disappeared beneath the waistband of her leggings.  

“What’s this one?” she asked. Her voice was barely a whisper as she caressed the scar with her fingers. Tasha’s skin was warm and damp with sweat. She smelled faintly of something sweet. 

Tasha glanced down and watched Patterson’s fingers as they ran up and down the length of her scar. Her heart began to race and she cleared her throat. A shiver ran down her spine. 

“Uh. A junkie,” she said. “When I was NYPD, I was on a routine patrol. There was a guy in an alleyway. He had a knife he’d made out of an old beer can. He was completely coked out. It bled like hell.” 

Patterson nodded understandingly. She wondered how far the scar ran and fought the urge to grip the waistband and pull her leggings down. She placed her left hand on the scar on Tasha’s stomach. It looked like a large caliber gunshot wound. 

“This one?” She sounded slightly winded even to her own ears. Her palms had gotten slick and she felt her pulse quicken.  

Tasha placed a hand over Patterson’s left hand and gently pulled it away but didn’t release her hand. She looked down at the scar and shook her head. 

“My partner at the NYPD was killed. Domestic disturbance. The guy shot Andy point blank,” she explained. “He fired again and the bullet grazed me. I never went out without a vest again.” 

Their hands lingered and Tasha was very aware of Patterson’s hand on her hip. She gave Patterson’s left hand a squeeze before releasing it. With her hand free, Patterson let it drop to Tasha’s other hip. She looked up at Tasha’s face and frowned at her.  

“I’m so sorry,” she said quietly as she stared into her friend’s eyes.  

They locked eyes. Tasha’s mind was racing. Patterson’s hands were lingering where they shouldn’t. Just two days earlier she’d been at dinner with her and her boyfriend, but the way Patterson was looking at her now and the way she was touching her wasn’t the way she should be looking at her. Maybe Tasha had her wrong. Maybe Patterson wasn’t as straight as she thought she was. Tasha took a deep breath and began to close the distance between them. Patterson’s lips looked so inviting and it seemed like the blonde wanted her to kiss her. She licked her lips and tilted her head slightly as he moved in even closer. 

“If you’re gonna grab a shower, you better do it,” Reade said as he returned to the lockers. He was wiping his face with a towel. “The hot water here sucks.” 

Patterson pulled her hands off of Tasha as if she’d been set on fire and took two big steps backward. She turned back to her locker and began rummaging through it.  

“Thanks for the tip,” Tasha said. She scooped up her shower supplies and closed the door to her locker. “See ya later, P.” 


	6. Excuses and Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I almost kissed Tasha, Patterson thought before realizing that wasn’t entirely true. Tasha had almost kissed her. In the locker room. At the NYO. Work. Her work. Their work. What a mess.

**New York City**   
**2010**

She couldn’t sit on the couch any longer. Her brain was screaming at her to get up and do something,  _anything_ ,so Patterson got up and went to the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator, stared inside for a moment, and then closed it again before returning to the living room. She looked blankly at the couch and then walked through the room towards her bedroom. She sat on her bed and looked around. There wasn’t anything she was really looking for, but she was at a complete loss.  

_I almost kissed Tasha_ , Patterson thought before realizing that wasn’t entirely true. Tasha almost kissed _her_. In the locker room. At the NYO. Work. Her work.  _Their_  work. What a mess.  

To make it worse, Patterson had a boyfriend. David. A wave of guilt rolled through her and she fell backwards onto her bed with a groan, drawing her knees up towards her chin.  

It’d been so long since she’d last seen Tasha and her friend was all grown up now. They were  _both_  grown up. Her dark eyes, serious face, amazing smile that could light up an entire room – Tasha Zapata had grown into a beautiful woman. Patterson could still feel the softness and warmth of her skin beneath her fingers as if they were still tracing the slight roughness of her scars. 

She was being ridiculous. Tasha was her friend — her best friend from  _years_ ago. They hadn’t spoken in more than a decade. They might not even really be friends anymore. So much had happened, Patterson decided that she didn’t even know Tasha any more. They weren’t the same people they had been as teenagers.  

Patterson closed her eyes and took a deep breath. In her mind she saw herself kissing Tasha, capturing her lips in a slow but intense kiss. If Tasha ever wondered how Patterson felt about her, that kiss would answer all of her questions. Then she could trace that scar that disappeared beneath her waistband. She could claim Tasha as her own.  

_We could still be the same people_ , her mind rationalized.  _She’s still beautiful and I still have a crush on her. She’s still absolutely perfect and —_  

No. Patterson sat up again. She did not have a crush on Natasha Zapata. She had to stop thinking like this. She couldn’t think about Tasha like this, and she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about kissing her and running her hands up her sides and cupping her breasts...  

“Stop it Patty,” she scolded herself and got up from the bed. Her breath grew shallower and her chest felt tight. She paced the room for a moment before passing through the living room and back to the kitchen. There was a bottle of Bulleit on the counter and Patterson grabbed it, pulling the stopper. She considered just tipping the bottle backwards and taking a pull and then decided against it. She grabbed a rocks glass and poured two generous fingers of the amber liquid.  

Patterson was about to bring the glass to her lips when she heard her phone vibrate from its place on the charger. She set her glass back down and checked the phone’s display.  _David_. For a brief moment, she thought about not answering but then accepted the call.  

“Hi David,” she said. Her voice sounded flat and tired. David was really the last person she wanted to talk to. 

“Hey Patterson,” David replied. “Wanna get dinner with me? We can play board games after at your place?” 

Patterson responded without thinking.  

“No,” she said, picking her glass back up and sipping at the bourbon. “I mean, I’m tired. I have to get to work early tomorrow. I've got a million things to do. I think I'm just gonna grab take out and pass out.” 

“I can do take out with you.” 

“No,” Patterson insisted. “That’s really sweet, David. Really. But I’m gonna fly solo tonight.” 

She didn’t wait for his response. She disconnected the call and then pressed the phone’s power button until the phone went black.  

Of all people to intrude on her thoughts, it had to be David. Her mind was absolutely consumed with thoughts of Tasha and all the things she would do to her, but David’s call had snapped her back to reality. She was with David. There couldn’t be anything with Tasha as long as she remained with David.  

_I love David_ , she thought as she carried her bourbon into the living room and settled on the couch. This was true. She did love David. He was absolutely wonderful to her, just the nicest guy she’d ever met. And he loved her, but there was Tasha.  

Patterson’s stomach churned. It felt like she was betraying David, like she was cheating on him. If Reade hadn’t stopped them, she would have kissed Tasha. She might have even invited her to come home with her. She would have done all of the things her mind screamed at her to do. She wasn’t sure if she was grateful Reade interrupted or completely and utterly frustrated.  

Those fifteen years she’d been dwelling on seemed to melt away whenever she was around Tasha. It felt like no time had passed at all. There was a certain closeness between them she’d never had with David, but that didn’t mean her relationship with him wasn’t important to her. The problem was, he wasn’t Tasha.  

*** 

Tasha collected her winnings from the poker game before paying her tab at the bar. She was glad she’d won. It seemed that more often than not, she was losing and losing big. Tonight, she was up about $2,000. Well, $1,978 once she closed out her tab. You couldn’t very well play poker without a drink or two. More than two drinks, however, was a recipe for losing. And tonight, Tasha Zapata was a winner.  

She pushed through the bar’s heavy wooden door and turned left towards her apartment. It was probably a mistake gambling at her neighborhood bar, especially now that she was FBI and the game wasn’t exactly legal, but Tasha had a hard time turning down the competition. The thought of competition made her think of Patterson. More accurately, Patterson’s boyfriend.  

It probably wasn’t right to think of David as her competition, but that’s exactly how she thought of him.  

_Not that David is much competition_ , Tasha thought smugly. Guilt hit her then as she remembered that the “competition” was still Patterson’s boyfriend. Patterson was unavailable to her because she was dating David.  

Her mind flickered back to the locker room and Patterson’s hands on her waist, their faces were so close. She would have kissed her if Reade hadn't chosen that moment to return from his shower, and she was nearly 100% certain that Patterson wanted her to kiss her. She felt like a homewrecker. At least she'd stopped wondering if Patterson was gay. Straight girls don't want to kiss their queer friends. Not like that any way.

Tasha keyed into her apartment and relocked the door behind her. She made her way to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. She popped the cap and took a long swallow before retreating to the living room and sprawling inelegantly on her couch.  

The guilt she felt started to wash away as another image filled her mind. This time she was in the locker room with Patterson. She had the blonde pushed against the lockers and was kissing her so hard she left bruises in her wake. A smile spread across Tasha’s face. The thought of that was delicious. Another thought rolled into her mind as she thought of Patterson in her lab. Maybe she’d find her there late one night after everyone had left and she’d pick her up, set her on her desk and kiss her lips, neck, shoulder, and work her way lower.  

“Stop, Tasha,” she scolded herself and took another swallow of her beer. “Patterson has a boyfriend.” 

The mention of Patterson’s boyfriend brought him back to the forefront of her thoughts. Tasha was almost mad that her friend was dating someone, but that was stupid. She’d never told her how she felt about her; she couldn’t expect Patterson to stay single for her. But David...  

She shouldn’t feel this way about him, but Tasha didn’t like him. Sure, he seemed nice enough and it looked like he treated Patterson well, but that wasn’t the point. He had the one thing that Tasha wanted and couldn’t have. She ached for Patterson. All of those years when they’d hung out, she’d gone to sleep wondering what it would be like to kiss her, to fall asleep with her arms around her. Now it seemed all but impossible: Patterson was taken.  

Tasha shook her head and took another swallow. She shouldn’t be thinking of Patterson like that. Not only were they friends, but they were coworkers. They’d see each other every day. If she was lucky enough to be able to start anything even remotely romantic with Patterson, it could all go bad so easily, and they’d still have to see each other every day.  

Nevertheless, they almost kissed.  _She’d_  almost kissed Patterson. Tasha wondered what her lips would taste like.  

“Stop, Zapata!” Tasha scolded again. She stood up and paced the living room. Nothing good was going to come from these thoughts. There was no future for her and Patterson, at least not now. Not with David in the picture.  

**New York City**   
**1995**

It had been a long time since Tasha had stopped by the card catalog at the New York Public Library. For years she’d been going to the library and reading every book she could get her hands on about outer space. She was absolutely fascinated with stars and constellations. Today was different. She made her way to the card catalog and began searching the index drawer by drawer, flipping through the cards. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was looking for but finally came to a stop: Human sexuality, 301s.  

Tasha grabbed a piece of scrap paper from the bin on top of the card catalog and scribbled down the Dewey Decimal numbers and then hurried off towards the reference stacks.  

There’s no one in the 300s when Tasha finally stopped at the row of books she was looking for. She ran her fingers along the spine of the books. There’s not a lot there. What was there seemed like dense scholarly reads and those books were lined up alongside sensationalized titles about BDSM and incest. Tasha almost felt dirty being in the row. She looked away from those books and continued on until she found the small handful she was looking for.  

She took the  _Encyclopedia of Homosexuality_  off the shelf and flipped through its pages quickly. The reading looked clinical. Tasha glanced around again. Satisfied she was alone, she sat down on the floor and began going through the book page by page.  

After what seemed like hours, Tasha returned the last book to the shelf. A giant pit had formed in her stomach the more she read. She sat back down on the floor and chewed her fingernails for a moment. There was a lot of information to digest. She hadn’t read every single page – there was no way she’d be able to accomplish that in a single afternoon – but she’d read enough to start putting the picture together. 

There was nothing wrong with her burgeoning feelings for Patterson. No, they weren’t conventional and society was very unaccepting, but she wasn’t the first girl to develop feelings for another girl. She’d read a lot of history and most of it was woefully boring but there’d been interesting bits about ancient China and the Stonewall Riots in NYC. Just because she understood it, didn’t mean Tasha was comfortable or even able to actually wrap her mind around the information.  

Tasha was a lesbian. She knew that now. What she did with that information, she didn’t know. What she did know, however, was that the life that she already hated had just gotten harder. She was a social outcast at school and her family was a broken, messed up disaster. Now she could add “lesbian” to the list or excuses kids would have to torment her. 

Just 2,100 days to go.  

*** 

Patterson hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Tasha since Coney Island. That wasn’t really anything new. She’d had a crush on Tasha for almost two years but this was different. That whole day had almost felt like they were on a date. She’d held her hand and hugged her tight. After Tasha had shown her all of her scars, Patterson had stared. She hadn’t meant to, but it was the first time she’d seen Tasha without a t-shirt, and Patterson was struck by how beautiful her friend truly was.  

She’d never been confused about her crush. It had hit her and she immediately recognized it for what it was, but she never gave it another thought. It was seeing her exposed in a flimsy bikini that had turned the tide away from crush into something else.  

_What does that mean?_ Patterson wondered. She lay on her bed and stared at her ceiling before finally making up her mind.  

She wandered through the apartment looking for her dad. If her mother hadn’t been traveling for work, she’d have gone to her. Instead she found her father hunched over his desk, tapping away on a computer.  

Patterson hesitated in the doorway before going in and dropping heavily on the pull-out couch that transformed her dad’s office into a guest bedroom. She sighed.  

“What’s up kiddo?” Bill asked, looking up from his computer. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Patterson said. She hesitated and looked down at her hands. “Can I talk to you about something?” 

Bill pushed his chair away from the desk and turned to face his daughter.  

“Always,” he said. “What’s on your mind?” 

Patterson hesitated again. She twisted her lips as she thought about her words. Bill leaned back in his chair.  

“Uh oh,” he said. “I know that look. What is it?” 

Patterson bit her lower lip and then sat up a little straighter.  

“You know my friend Tasha?” she began. Bill nodded. “I think I have a crush on her. I _know_ I have a crush on her. I’ve had it for a couple of years but...” 

“But you’re a girl and she’s a girl?” Bill supplied helpfully.  

Patterson nodded and then looked down at her hands again. 

Bill said nothing for a minute. His face was an unreadable mask. Finally, he got up and went to the couch. He sat beside his daughter and put a fatherly hand on her knee. He gave it a squeeze and smiled.  

“That’s okay, you know,” he said. He shrugged. “Some girls like girls. Maybe you’re one of those girls. Have you ever felt like this about anyone before?” 

“I’ve had crushes on boys, too.” 

“Some girls like boys  _and_ girls,” Bill said. He sighed and crossed his legs as he settled into the couch more. “I guess we should talk.” 

Patterson sort of bobbled her head, both shaking and nodding it at the same time. She’d come in to talk to someone about her feelings and what they might mean, but she really didn’t know what to say. Now that she was sitting next to her dad it just felt awkward. She sensed her dad’s eyes on hers and she looked up at him. His eyes were searching her face.  

“You know your Uncle Marty,” BIll began. “Your mom’s brother?” 

Patterson gave another nod. Of course, she knew Uncle Marty. He’d gotten her a copy of the  _Oregon Trail_ for her last birthday. Marty was awesome.  

“You know he’s gay, right?” 

“Yeah, I mean, I guess I knew that,” Patterson said. Every time her uncle came around, his friend Brian came with him. She supposed that was his boyfriend.  

“You love Uncle Marty.” 

Patterson shook her head.  

“Yeah, duh, Dad,” she said. “That’s not, that’s not it at all.” 

Bill raised an eyebrow.  

“What is it then?” 

The confusion cleared for a moment. It wasn’t that she was confused about possibly being gay or how her family would react or if they would accept her – none of those things had even entered her mind. It was just the feelings that were confusing and conflicting. She crushed on boys. She crushed on girls. None of those crushes were like the one she had on Tasha. As far as Patterson knew, though, there were gays and lesbians. No gray areas. She seemed to fall into a gray area and it was disconcerting. She wasn’t such a fan of gray areas. 

“I know you and Mom love me, if that’s what you mean,” she said. “If I sat here and told you I was a lesbian, I don’t think you’d care. That’s super cool, but that’s not the problem. If I am...fine. Good. Great. But...” she trailed off.  

Bill seemed to read her mind and he gave her a knowing smile.  

“You like boys  _and_  girls,” he repeated with a hint of joy in his voice. “It’s a gray area and you can't categorize it.” 

Patterson frowned at her father’s seeming glee but then smiled. That was exactly the problem.  

“Yeah.” 

Bill tapped his daughter’s knee.  

“Categorize this: Bisexual,” he said.  

“What?” 

“Bisexuality,” he said. “It’s when someone is attracted to both sexes. Boys  _and_ girls. Like the bottle nosed dolphin.” 

Patterson furrowed her brow and cocked her head. 

“Dolphins? Dad, I’m not attracted to dolphins,” she said. “We’re talking about me. Not dolphins.” 

He held up a hand to silence her.  

“Now wait a minute, kiddo. Hear me out,” he said. “You want to categorize things, so check this out. The bottle nosed dolphin has been observed engaging in homosexual behavior, but those dolphins always wind up mating with the opposite sex and producing offspring. The bonobo? Same thing. These animals are considered to be bisexual. It’s a scientific designation.” 

“Bisexual.” 

“Yeah,” Bill replied. They let silence fill the room for a minute while Patterson took this new information in and processed it. He could almost see the concept tearing though her brain. “So, tell me about Tasha. What is it that you like about her?” 

Patterson gave her first genuine smile since sitting down on the couch. All the tension in her body seemed to just drain out of her, and she started rambling.  

“Tasha is so nice. She’s really smart and funny. I met her at the library. The library, Dad. She goes there  _for fun_. Just to read books about things she doesn’t know. She’s so smart. And her smile. She smiles at me and I sometimes forget what I’m about to say. It’s like she saved her smile for me. I get these  _feelings_ when I’m around her. Like there’s butterflies in my stomach. She makes me nervous.” 

She stopped talking just short of calling Tasha beautiful. There were plenty of things she could tell her dad, but the way her stomach flip-flopped when she saw Tasha in her bikini wasn’t one of them. She almost felt like talking about her friend’s body was a “dirty” thing to say or even think. But it was true, seeing Tasha in her bikini had flipped some kind of switch inside of her. Of course, Patterson had noticed that Tasha was pretty. It was one of the first things she’d noticed about her. This wasn’t just admiring how pretty she was. It was a thought best left to herself.  

“I felt like that about your mother,” Bill said. “She used to make me so nervous. I forgot what I wanted to say or I’d jumble my words. I thought she thought I was just some dorky idiot.” 

Patterson shook her head. 

“I’m not marrying Tasha,” Patterson protested.  

“No one said you were,” he replied. “I know those feelings, though. They’re normal. You have feelings for Tasha.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “That’s wonderful.” 

“She probably doesn't feel the same way about me, “Patterson said glumly, realizing that not all girls liked girls. It was probably a pretty small pool. 

Bill shrugged.  

“How do you know?” He paused and waited for a response. When none came, he continued. “Whatever happens or doesn't happen with Tasha, or if you decide you're not bisexual or a lesbian, your mother and I will support you. We love you, kiddo. We just want you to be happy. “ 

Patterson smiled.  

“Thanks, Dad.” 

She leaned in and gave her dad a hug before getting up and heading towards the door. Her parents might want her to be happy and maybe she was bisexual or even a lesbian, but she wasn't ready. No, she couldn't tell her best friend she had a crush on her. What if it freaked Tasha out? Patterson wanted to be her friend and if that meant she never told her about her feelings, then so be it. 


	7. Drinks with Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In that moment, Tasha hated herself. She wanted to be greedy, to run outside and stop Patterson from leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will wrap up soon, I think. Also, I think I broke my own heart.

**New York City**  
**1997**

“Check,” Tasha announced as she moved her bishop across the game board. 

Patterson didn’t immediately reply but furrowed her brow and studied the board in disbelief. This was the third game in a row that Tasha had put her queen in check without her noticing. It was getting ridiculous.

“How?” she demanded.

Tasha shook her head.

“I’m not telling you my next move,” she said. “Figure it out or prepare to lose.” 

“I am not losing,” Patterson huffed. She crossed her arms and studied the board closer. “This is bologna.” 

She tipped her head side to side as if by changing perspective she could get a better look at how Tasha had endangered her queen. Finally, she moved her knight and leaned back with a smirk.

Tasha hesitated for a moment before cracking a smile and reaching for her only remaining rook. She slid it across the board and smashed it into Patterson’s queen.

“Checkmate.” 

“No!” Patterson cried in disbelief. “How did I not see that? You’re distracting me!” 

Tasha laughed.

“How am I distracting you?” she asked. “By being a better chess player?” 

The blonde shook her head and frowned as she got up from the chess board and stretched. They’d been playing in Bryant Park for nearly two hours and she could really use a walk to get the feeling back in her legs. And maybe something to drink. She’d seen a frozen lemonade vendor setting up earlier and that sounded delicious.

“Not better. Just lucky,” she said as she stretched her arms in the air over her head. “Wanna walk? Find something to drink?” 

Tasha laughed again but got up from her seat and began collecting their chess pieces so they could be returned.

“You just don’t want to lose four games in a row.” 

“As if,” Patterson replied as she searched the area for that lemonade vendor. She spotted it a short distance away and gestured towards it. “Frozen lemonade? Loser pays?” 

“We should play that rule more often,” Tasha said. “I’d never pay for anything ever again.” 

Patterson rolled her eyes dramatically as she fell in step with Tasha. 

“Whatever.”

When they reached the vendor, Patterson ordered two frozen drinks and passed them both to Tasha while she dug in the pockets of her jeans for her money. She paid and accepted her drink back. They walked along quietly sipping their lemonades for a moment.

“So, what’s wrong, Patterson?” Tasha asked finally. 

Patterson shook her head and shrugged as she took another sip. 

“What makes you think something’s wrong?” she asked and then flinched, her right hand shooting up to her temple. “Oh man, brain freeze.” 

Tasha smiled and shook her head. 

“Drink it, P, don’t inhale it,” she reprimanded as she took a small sip of her own drink. A cold headache hit her immediately but she refused to react to it. The drinks were more frozen than liquid, and it was almost impossible to drink it without feeling it in your head. “And you lost three games in a row. You never lose three games in a row. Something’s bothering you.” 

Patterson hmmed and took another sip of her lemonade, forgetting the intensity of the headache that had just come and gone. She glanced over at her friend and then back down to the path they were following.

“It’s nothing,” she said finally. “It’s dumb.” 

Tasha cocked an eyebrow and looked at her friend curiously. 

“Which is it? Nothing or something dumb?” 

Patterson sighed and turned off the path. She sat down heavily on a park bench and hunched over, her hands between her knees. Tasha stopped walking and stared at the blonde for a minute before she joined her on the bench. She sipped her lemonade and waited for Patterson to start talking.

“It’s stupid,” Patterson admitted finally. She took a long sip of her lemonade and glanced at Tasha from the corner of her eye. Her friend wasn’t going to let it go. She continued on quietly, “I was invited to go to Homecoming.” 

“Okay,” Tasha said slowly, drawing the word out. “So, what’s the problem? That’s good isn’t it? Homecoming is supposed to be fun.” 

Patterson shrugged.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” 

Tasha didn’t say anything right away. She was staring at Patterson and trying to figure out what the problem was. She’d been invited to Homecoming. No one had ever invited Tasha to anything, let alone a school dance. Patterson should be happy about it. People liked her; she had friends.

“I don’t get it,” she said after a minute. “You hate dances? I know it’s not because you hate school.” 

That comment roused a small laugh from Patterson.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I wanna go to Homecoming. It’ll be fun, you’re right. Dances are supposed to be fun, but...” she heaved a deep sigh. “Will Decker invited me.” 

Tasha shrugged.

“And he’s a loser? We hate him?” she asked. “Who’s Will Decker?” 

“He’s the quarterback on the football team,” Patterson admitted and felt her cheeks go red. Will Decker was, in fact, one of the most popular guys in school. They were in English class together and, jock status aside, he was actually really smart.

“Shit, Patterson,” Tasha breathed. “That’s a big deal, isn’t it? The quarterback asked you to Homecoming. Why aren’t you happy?” 

To Tasha, it actually sounded awful. Sure, a guy on the football team would be popular and the quarterback? A hundred girls probably wanted him to ask them, but he’d asked Patterson. If Tasha were into that sort of thing, or guys in general, she would have been happy about it.

“Will’s great,” Patterson said. “He’s in my English class and he’s really smart. I mean, he’s not the typical dumb football player. It’s just, I don’t know...” 

“Did you want someone else to ask you?” Tasha asked. She grinned. “You did, didn’t you? Do you have a crush on someone?” 

Patterson blushed and looked down at her hands. She took a long sip of her lemonade and was hit with another cold headache. She ignored it.

“You do!” Tasha exclaimed. “You never said anything. Who is it? Tell me!” 

Patterson shook her head and frowned. She  _did_ have a crush on someone but it wasn’t like she could tell Tasha that. What was she gonna do? Tell her that her crush was about 5-feet tall, had dark hair and dark eyes, and answered to the name Tasha? No. Absolutely not. Tasha was her friend and she didn’t want to scare her off by telling her that she had a crush on her.

“No,” Patterson said. “No crush. It’s just.... Will’s a nice guy. That’s not the problem. It’s just... I guess it’s nothing about him. I was just thinking that my best friend doesn’t even go to my school. Yeah, the dance will be fun and all but...oh, this is just stupid.” 

“What’s stupid? I don’t understand,” Tasha said.

“I wish you went to my school,” Patterson said as she stared at her cup. “I have fun when I’m with you and you don’t go there so you can’t come to Homecoming.” 

Tasha smirked and elbowed her friend playfully in the arm.

“You’d wanna be my date?”

“No! Not like that,” Patterson replied quickly, nearly tripping over her words. “I was just saying —” 

“Relax, P. It’s okay. I was just kidding,” Tasha smiled. “I get it. My school would be better if you went there, too.” 

Patterson took a long sip of her lemonade, finishing it. She turned the empty cup around and around in her hand as she continued to stare down at it.

“You should go,” Tasha said. “I mean, it’s Homecoming. Afterwards you can tell me all about it.” 

Patterson brightened slightly. 

“You wanna stay over that night? We could watch movies and I can tell you about the dance?” 

Tasha smiled and nodded. 

“You bet,” she said. “It’s a date.” 

*** 

**New York City**  
**2010**

Mayfair stood in SIOC with a deep frown on her face while Weller tried to explain what happened out in the field and why one of her newest and most promising agents was in medical with a gunshot wound to her left shoulder. In fairness to Weller, it didn’t seem like what happened was actually his fault. Zapata had done exactly what she was supposed to. Her partner, on the other hand, had been a disappointment. He’d frozen up. She glanced over Weller’s shoulder. Edgar Reade stood a few feet away with a concerned look on his face.

She cut Weller off with a single look.

“Stop, Kurt,” she said. “Just tell me how this happened. Zapata’s in medical and her partner is standing in SIOC looking like he doesn’t know which way is up. When I paired these two together, I expected it to be the opposite. Zapata’s the one who doesn’t follow protocol, not Reade. So, tell me what happened.” 

Weller put his hands on his hips and shifted in front of Mayfair. He knew Reade was standing behind him a few feet away and he just wanted to block his view of the conversation. He shook his head.

“We followed the plan to the letter,” he said. “The heat scan signature showed that the house was empty. I sent Zapata and Reade around to the back but the suspect was in a tool shed. It wasn’t on the satellite images Patterson gave us of the property. He popped out and fired three shots.” 

Mayfair nodded and crossed her arms.

“And one of them struck my agent,” she said and then pointed a finger past Weller to Reade. “And why didn’t Reade fire back?” 

Weller shook his head again.

“I don’t know,” he said. “You’ll have to talk to him, but I think he froze. This was their first time out on a hot scene. Zapata, she was NYPD. She can handle herself. Reade? He’s just got classroom training. There’s a difference.” 

“I understand that,” Mayfair said. “I remember being a rookie, but we can’t have agents out there getting shot while a suspect gets away because their partner freezes up. That cannot happen, Kurt. You’re the lead. You can’t have this happen on your team.” 

“I know.” 

“You go have a conversation with Reade. Make sure this won’t happen again,” she said. “I’ll stop by medical and see what I can find out about Zapata.” 

Patterson was on her way to the restroom when she heard the words “medical” and “Zapata.” An icy chill ran down her spine and she suddenly forgot where she was heading and why. She slowed her pace and turned towards Mayfair and Weller, walking over without even thinking about it.

“Zapata’s in medical?” she asked. She threw a glance at Weller. Tasha had been out with him and her partner to bring in a suspected forger. She’d been the one who’d provided the blueprints and satellite images that Weller requested before the team went out. It should have been a simple case. “Did something happen in the field?” 

Weller looked away from Mayfair and turned his attention to Patterson.

“Jenkins was on the property hiding in a tool shed,” he explained.

“What tool shed?” Patterson asked. “The satellite images didn’t show any kind of outbuildings on the property.” 

“I don’t know,” Weller admitted, “but there was one and our suspect was hiding in it. I sent Zapata and Reade around the back while I was going to take the front but he was hiding and got off a few rounds. One of them caught Zapata.” 

Patterson’s eyes went wide and she frowned. Worry creased her forehead and she felt all the color drain from her face at the news. 

“Tasha was shot?” 

“I’m okay,” Tasha said as she approached the group. Her left arm was pinned up in a black sling. “It’s just a graze, really. I’m fine. I’ve had worse.” 

Mayfair gestured towards her office and shook her head. 

“Graze or not, there’s a pile of paperwork you’ll need to fill out now,” she said. “Might as well get a start on it now. My office.” 

The director started towards her office and Tasha followed her but Patterson hurried along behind her. She grabbed Tasha’s right shoulder and turned her around so they were facing each other.

“You sure you’re okay?” she asked, searching Tasha’s face.

“Yeah, I’m good. I promise,” she said and tried to look at the watch she wore on her left wrist. The sling blocked her view. “What time you got?” 

Patterson glanced at her own watch.

“Almost 5,” she said. 

“When I’m done with Mayfair and her mountain of paperwork, grab a drink with me?” 

Patterson was nodding before Tasha even finished her sentence. She was supposed to meet David, but she could call and tell him something came up. He’d understand. It wasn’t like it hadn’t happened dozens of times before. Besides, her friend had been shot. She needed to make sure she was alright.

“Sure,” she said. “I’ll be in the lab. Just come find me when you’re done and we can go together.” 

*** 

Patterson sat in the booth across from Tasha with a beer and a shot of bourbon in front of her. She wasn’t sure if Tasha should be drinking so soon after taking a bullet, but her friend had been the one ordering the shots. They were about four shots in and two beers. Their laughter filled the bar as they talked about everything that happened since they last saw each other as teenagers. The conversation was easy and familiar. If it weren’t for the large amounts of alcohol they were consuming, it would have seemed like no time had passed at all. But time had passed. Eleven years had elapsed. They weren’t kids anymore.

“David seems nice,” Tasha said after throwing back her shot. “You guys been together a long time?” 

Patterson picked up her own shot and tossed it back. She nodded and shrugged simultaneously.

“Almost a year,” she said. “He’s, uh, David’s great.” 

Tasha picked up on the hesitation immediately as she picked up her beer and sipped at it. She knew a half-truth when she heard it, and she cocked an eyebrow.

“Great, huh? You don’t sound sure,” she said. “It’s probably none of my business, but is everything okay?” 

Patterson took a long swallow of her beer. She'd been wondering the same thing ever since Tasha appeared in SIOC. Her old feelings had come rushing back in an instant and they were waging a war with her feelings for her very sweet boyfriend. She never expected to have something like this happen to her.

It was probably the bourbon, but she found herself opening her mouth and talking before her brain knew what was happening.

“It’s complicated,” she said. “David is sweet. He's the best. Really. It’s not that. I care about him but something… something’s happened and it’s confused things. For me.” 

“What's happened?” 

“You,” Patterson said simply and immediately stopped talking. If she could rewind the last 30 seconds, she would have.

“Me?” Tasha asked, surprised. “Did something happen with David? Did I do something when we went for dinner?” 

Patterson shook her head and closed her eyes. She was gonna do it. After all these years of never saying it, her mouth was operating independently from her brain.

“No, nothing like that,” she said. “It’s… you probably never knew but I had a big crush on you when we were teenagers and then you showed up at work…” 

Tasha was stunned. She never imagined Patterson had any feelings for her except for those of a friend. If she’d known years ago, maybe she wouldn't have been a big gay disaster every time she was around her.

“You had a crush on me,” she repeated.

“I’m sorry,” Patterson replied. “I shouldn't have said that. I always said I wouldn't tell you because, well, it's weird, right? I’m bisexual but I know most girls aren’t into girls. I don't wanna make things weird —” 

“P, stop,” Tasha said. She slid her empty shot glass and beer towards the edge of the table. “You have a crush on me or you  _had_  a crush in me?” 

“Does it matter?” 

“Yes.” 

Patterson licked her lips. 

“Both.” 

Tasha leaned back in her seat and put her right palm on the table. She would have put both down if her left arm wasn’t in the sling. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She didn't know what to say and needed a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I should never have said anything,” Patterson said hurriedly. She shook her head. “I was never gonna say anything. You were my best friend and I’d still rather hang out with you than almost anyone else. Please don’t let this change our friendship.” 

“It has to,” Tasha said quietly, finally looking away from Patterson and down at her hands. Her heart was absolutely racing and for the first time in a long time, butterflies started to take flight in her stomach. She swallowed hard. “I’ve had a crush on you for I don't even know how long. I’ve lost track. I never thought I’d be sitting here with you hearing you say that. But you have a boyfriend. I can't step in the way. It's not right.” 

Patterson’s mouth fell open slightly and all words escaped her. She didn’t just hear Tasha correctly. She couldn’t have.

“What?” she asked. 

Tasha swallowed again and raised a hand to signal for more drinks. Her mouth was suddenly dry.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel about you,” she said. “You’re not available. David.” 

Two more rounds of drinks appeared on the table and Patterson grabbed for her shotglass. She tossed it backwards without hesitation and caught the server by the arm.

“Two more shots, please,” she said and then turned her attention back to Tasha. “You’re not freaked out.” 

It wasn’t a question. Patterson had been trying to read Tasha’s face all through this conversation and even though she was many,  _many_ shots in, she felt more sober than she had any right being.

Tasha shook her head and swallowed her own shot down.

“No. Not freaked out,” she said and then sighed. “I’m gay, Patterson. I figured it out after that day at Coney Island. I like girls. You in particular, but you’re with David. And that’s not fair to him.” 

“David,” Patterson repeated. “Yeah.” 

She started to get up, leaving the newly arrived shots still in place and her fresh beer untouched. 

“If David and I weren’t, you know,” she began, “would you and I...?” 

Tasha tilted her head ot the side and thought for a moment. She gave a decisive single nod. 

“I’d ask you out and I’d hope you’d say yes,” she said.

Patterson slid out of the booth and stood there for a long minute. She wasn’t sure what was worse, having an unrequited crush on Tasha and not knowing what to do or knowing that Tasha wanted her as much as she wanted her but being unavailable. Tasha was being chivalrous and respecting the relationship Patterson was already in. She groaned inwardly. It was an even bigger mess than before. She turned to face the exit but turned back.

“I have to go,” she said. “For the record, I’d say yes.” 

She began to walk away but Tasha reached out and grabbed her by the arm, stopping her progress.

“Patterson,” she said. “Please don’t go home and do something stupid. I love that you overthink things and are careful and methodical. Please don’t, I don’t know, just it’s not David’s fault. It’s not your fault. Our timing is just off. Maybe someday but...” 

“Yeah, maybe,” Patterson repeatedly dumbly. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care of your arm.” 

Tasha watched Patterson leave the bar. It felt like a weight had been dropped onto her chest and it was hard to breathe. She’d been infatuated with Patterson since she was 12 years old. For 15 years, she’d hoped for five minutes of strength where she could tell her best friend how she felt about her and maybe, just maybe, her friend would return her feelings. Now Patterson had returned those feelings but she just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t right.

In that moment, Tasha hated herself. She wanted to be greedy, to run outside and stop Patterson from leaving. She’d throw her arms around her and pull her in for the kiss she’d wanted to give her in the locker room the other day and the one she wanted to give her the night of Homecoming when the blonde had returned looking absolutely drop dead gorgeous. Maybe someday she’d get to have Patterson as her own, but not now.

She pulled her wallet from her pocket and dropped several bills on the table to cover their tab. Tasha slipped her jacket on the best she could over the sling and left the bar.

_You did the right thing_ , she told herself as she pushed the door open.  _But why does it feel so shitty_? 


	8. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tasha vowed to stay out if their relationship no matter how much she wanted to sabotage it, break them up, and keep her beautiful blonde friend for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe one, two chapters left. Probably two. I can't imagine how I'd finish it in one. It's possible, I guess.

**New York City**   
**1999**

Tasha didn't want to hear the word college ever again. For the last month, her best friend had been utterly consumed with college preparations. Her mailbox was stuffed with school catalogs and she was busy planning college visitation trips. Patterson was going to leave, and Tasha was losing her best friend — her only friend. She hated it.  

To make it less painful, Tasha did the one thing she learned from her father: she ran.  

She'd been avoiding Patterson for almost two weeks. That meant no trips to the library, steering clear of Bryant Park, and making her brothers answer the phone and then lie for her. Tasha felt bad about it, in all honesty. Patterson probably didn’t understand why her friend vanished and was probably hurt by it, but Tasha couldn’t bear it. Patterson had all these options for life after high school and Tasha didn’t see any of those options for herself. Her grades were good enough and she did well in school but it wasn’t like her family could afford to send her to college. Not like Patterson. Her dad was Bill Nye the Science Guy for crying out loud. She could go anywhere she wanted to and the catalogs from places like MIT, Stamford, and UCLA proved it.  

Tasha was sitting on her bed at her grandmother’s house staring at her homework. She wasn’t actually doing any of it - that would involve reading and writing answers down. Her mind wasn't on the book in her lap. She’d retreated inside of herself. The last few weeks had been really hard. Not only was she avoiding her best friend, but somehow someone had discovered her secret and was using it as fodder for the rumor mill. Now, Tasha had a hard time going walking down the hallways at school without hearing the whispers. 

Almost every day for the past week, she’d come into school to find a piece of paper taped to her locker door. The first day it was a shock, she had no idea how anyone found out, but there it was in big black letters: LEZZIE. The next day, she’d ripped the paper off the locker door with so much anger, the lined piece of notebook paper ripped into three pieces: DYKE. After that, the slurs became steadily more creative: CARPET MUNCHER, KITTY KISSER, PUSSY PUNCHER, MUFF DIVER _._   

It shouldn’t have bothered her. She  _knew_ she should just let it roll off her back or maybe go to a teacher, but she couldn’t. She obsessed over it.  

It wasn’t the words that were upsetting her. Yes, they were awful and ugly, but what upset Tasha most was that she hadn’t told anyone. Not Patterson, not her mother, not her abuela, and definitely not her brothers. And it wasn’t like she’d asked anyone out or ever gone on a date with anyone let alone a girl. She was careful not to stare at the girls in gym class or do anything that might spark unwanted rumors. No one could have known but they all did. She wanted to tell someone about what was going on, but there was no one to tell.  

Even if she weren’t avoiding Patterson, she wouldn’t have been able to tell her what was going on. She couldn’t tell  _anyone_ that the rumors were true but least of all, she wouldn’t be able to tell Patterson without admitting that she had a crush on her. And if she admitted that, she ran the risk of losing her. She didn’t want that.  

_She’s already gone, though_ , Tasha thought with a sigh as she flipped the page of her textbook.  

The timing sucked. She was avoiding her best friend because the idea of losing her was too hard to deal with but she needed her friend more than anyone right now. Just hanging out with Patterson would have been better than this but if she let herself get closer to her, Tasha knew she’d just get hurt when the blonde packed up and left for college in a few months. 

She heard a sharp rap on the front door and looked up from her book. Her heart sank. She knew that knock and she sucked in a sharp breath. Maybe there was time to hide and pretend she wasn’t home. Tasha was about to tell Alex she wasn’t home when she heard him calling from the entrance.  

“Tasha! Door,” he yelled and then she heard his footsteps going away from the door and back towards the couch.  

Tasha was frozen on the bed. She couldn’t will herself to get up and go to the door, but she didn’t need to. Patterson was suddenly leaning against her doorframe, arms crossed, and staring at her.  

“So, you’re not dead,” she said flatly. “That’s good. I was starting to wonder.” 

Patterson didn’t wait for an invitation, she walked through the door and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing Tasha. After a minute when Tasha didn’t say anything, she continued.  

“Haven’t heard from you in a while,” she said. “I figure you’re mad at me or you’re just being a jerk. So... which is it?” 

Tasha shook her head and looked away from Patterson’s intense stare.  

“I’m not mad at you.” 

“So, you’re a jerk?” 

“Patterson...” Tasha began reproachfully. 

The blonde frowned.  

“No, Tasha,” she said and paused to gain control of her emotions before they boiled over. “What is it? Are you avoiding me? I haven’t heard from you in two weeks. You won’t answer the phone and we both know that if Alex hadn’t opened the door just now, you wouldn’t’ve let me in. What the hell, Tash?” 

Tasha felt tears start to form in her eyes and she blinked them back so forcefully, one escaped and rolled down her cheek . She didn't know what to say so she shrugged.  

“You’re gonna leave,” she said. “College. I'll miss you.” 

“That's stupid,” Patterson blurted out. “I mean, that's not what I mean. I mean, just because I’ll go to college doesn't mean we’ll stop being friends. You’ve been avoiding me because I'm gonna leave?” 

Tasha nodded and shrugged at the same time. 

“Everyone leaves,” she says quietly. “It’s better if I don’t get attached —” 

“You're bailing on me before I can bail on you,” Patterson interrupted.  

“it’s not like that,” Tasha insisted. 

Patterson got up from the bed and began pacing the small bedroom. She spun around to face Tasha.  

“What is it like then?” she asked, unable to hide the anger in her voice. “You don’t wanna be friends anymore?” 

“No! Patterson it’s not —” 

Patterson continued on, talking over Tasha’s interruption. 

“Because it seems like you’re either mad, a  _complete_ douchebag, or afraid of something. So, which of these are you?” 

“I...” Tasha trailed off as she tried to figure out what to say. Patterson was standing at the end of her bed with her arms crossed over her chest, and she was staring at her. “I’m sorry.” 

Patterson came back around to the side of the bed and sat down again. She nodded and waited for her friend to continue.  

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Tasha continued when she realized Patterson wasn’t going to say anything.  

“How about telling me what’s going on?” Patterson said, the calm returning to her voice. “Tell me what’s up.” 

Tasha tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked down at the book still open on her lap. She closed it and set it next to her on the bed.  

“This sounds selfish and horrible. I’m sorry,” she said. She took a deep breath. “You’re going to college next year. You’re going to go somewhere amazing but far away like Stamford or UCLA, and you should. You belong there. You’re smart and you should go to the best place that’ll take you. They’ll be lucky to have you. But I’m not going. I’m stuck here.” She waved her arm around the room to emphasize her point. “You’re my best friend, and I’m going to lose you to a smart person school. And I’ll probably never see you again. So, that’s why. That’s why I’ve been everywhere but where you are. I’m sorry. It’s not a good excuse. It just hurts and I don’t want to lose you and I’m going to so... Yeah, I’ve been avoiding you.” 

Patterson blinked in surprise. She had a feeling Tasha was avoiding her, but not for this reason. She’d worried that her friend picked up on a weird vibe between them and realized she was crushing on her. She was avoiding her because she was disgusted or grossed out or horrified. This was not what she was expecting at all.  

“You’re not stuck here,” Patterson said. “You’re smart. Your grades are awesome. You could go to college. Any school you want —” 

“With what money, P? It’s not like we’re rolling in it, here,” Tasha said dismissively.  

“Scholarships,” said Patterson. “Once you get in, the school could have scholarships or, you’re right, you’re not rich. There’s hardship scholarships. You could get those. Plus you could always take classes and work. You could go to NYU, live here, and pick up a part time job to pay for credits. It’s not out of the question.” 

Tasha hadn’t considered that and she gave a small nod.  

“And just because I go to school doesn’t mean we won’t be friends still,” Patterson continued. She reached for Tasha’s hand and held it, giving it a quick squeeze. “You’re my best friend. Even if I wind up a thousand miles away, we’re friends for life. That’s just how it is. Stuck with me.” 

Tasha smiled. There were worse people to be stuck with. 

**New York City**   
**2010**

Patterson had this crazy recurring dream that she ran into Tasha Zapata again somewhere random – maybe the New York Public Library – and she was able to finally confess how she’d always felt about her. For years, it had just been a dream. The dream was fresh in her mind as she left the bar. She’d just been sitting across from her long-lost friend and had finally been able to say those words: I have a crush on you. In her dreams, Tasha always smiled but then just slowly faded away as the dream ended and she began to wake up. Real life wasn’t so different but instead of fading away, Tasha turned her down.  

Her heart ached and it felt like she could throw up. Why had she said anything at all? Why did she risk ruining their friendship? 

But even though she thought the rejection was the worst part, it wasn’t. She always assumed that if she did ever meet Tasha again and she got up the courage to tell her, she’d turn her down because she wasn’t gay. That was the most awful part. Tasha told her that she  _was_ gay. She even felt the same way about her. Patterson should have been elated. She should have felt like dancing or singing or something that they do in movies. Her long-harbored crush wasn’t some one-sided thing. Instead, she felt like she was floating aimlessly with a chunk of lead in her stomach. They couldn’t be together because of David.  

David. Her boyfriend. The sweetest guy she’d met since returning to New York and starting work at the FBI. He’d been everything she ever wanted in a boyfriend. He was smart and funny and kind. At the same time, he wasn’t Tasha, and Patterson didn't know if that was good or bad. Tasha was her best friend, and even though they hadn’t spent more than a dozen hours alone together since she reappeared in her life, Patterson still felt the strong pull of both friendship and attraction. That pull might be even stronger now. Tasha was more beautiful than ever. 

She didn’t know what to do as she walked towards the subway to go home. Tasha’s words echoed in her head:  _Please don’t go home and do something stupid. It’s not David’s fault. It’s not your fault. Our timing is just off. Maybe someday..._  

Tasha was right. Patterson’s very first instinct was to leave, call David, and tell him that she just couldn’t be with him anymore. Even if Tasha hadn’t discouraged her, though, she was sure she wouldn't have done it. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt David, and she was having a hard time imagining anything more hurtful that breaking up with him out of the blue so that she could date a woman.  

She sighed as she slid her MetroCard and pushed through the turnstile towards the J train into Brooklyn.  

_What am I_ _gonna_ _do_? she wondered. 

*** 

Something was going on. Tasha wasn’t stupid. She knew when someone was avoiding her, and Patterson was avoiding her.  

It wasn’t blatantly obvious to the rest of the agents but it was obvious to Tasha. She’d enter a room and Patterson would leave. She’d attend a briefing and Patterson would look everywhere but at her. If their eyes did meet, the scientist looked away quickly. And one time, Tasha was washing her hands in the restroom when Patterson entered. She’d almost expected her friend to leave but instead the blonde slipped into the nearest stall without so much as a smile or nod of acknowledgement. It felt like high school all over again.  

Back then, she would have put her head down while scurrying along to her next class all the while ignoring the whispers of “dyke,” “freak,” “weirdo,” and “trash.” Now, however, she had no problems stepping up and holding her own. This was different. It was Patterson. And Patterson was ghosting her. Or trying to anyway. 

Tasha wanted to corner her and get to the bottom of it, but she couldn’t. She knew why Patterson was going out of her way to avoid her: she’d turned her down. If only the blonde woman knew how much it hurt her to say no, to tell her that they couldn’t be together. As soon as she said it, she thought she might be ill. Her stomach had churned and a voice in her head began berating her. She’d gone home and barely slept that night. It had nothing to do with the gunshot wound in her shoulder and it had everything to do with being faced with something she desperately wanted for so long and having to say no.  

It was the right thing to do, Tasha knew that without a doubt. She hoped that Patterson knew it was the right thing to do, too.  

While Patterson was avoiding her, though, Tasha worried that she’d done something rash. Yes, she very much wanted her more than she’d ever wanted anyone, but she didn’t want David to get caught up in the crossfire. It wasn’t fair. She stood by her comment at the bar: David didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t his fault.  

Since her friend wasn’t talking to her, Tasha didn’t know what, if anything, actually happened. Part of her wanted to think that if Patterson had broken up with David, she would be the first to know. Another part of her, however, grasped at the more rational thought: Patterson was upset that she was in the middle of an impossible situation – choosing between her boyfriend and longtime crush.  

Tasha was working on building up her courage to go into the lab and confront her when Weller appeared at her desk and summoned her to Mayfair’s office. She’d have to wait a little longer to seek any answers. 

*** 

There was nothing special about it. David came over almost every night, and they played board games most of the time. There was absolutely nothing special about it, even though David was trying. Patterson gave him credit for that. He was trying really hard; he’d picked up her favorite order from the local Tai restaurant and come by with a new bottle of Bulleit, but she was just sitting there, offering weak smiles, and making non-committal comments as she placed her word on the Scrabble board.  

David was watching her from the corner of his eye and took a sip of his drink before starting to place tiles on the board. Patterson’s gaze drifted away and she stared at a nearby wall. She knew she was terrible company and felt badly about it. Tasha was right. David didn’t do anything and he didn’t deserve the way she was treating him, but she was so far into her own thoughts she may as well have been alone in her living room.  

“Is everything okay?” David asked finally after waiting for Patterson to play her next word. She’d been staring off it into space for a long time. “Are you mad at me?” 

Patterson didn’t hear the question, she just heard David’s voice. She snapped her attention back to her Scrabble letters and started looking for her next word.  

“What?” she asked and then hurriedly snapped her letters down. “Sorry, ummm....E. X. I. S. T. Double word score.”  

“Did you even hear what I said?” David asked, looking at her over the frames of his black glasses in disbelief.  

“Of course,” Patterson lied. “Sorry, I’m fine. I’m just thinking about work. It’s been super crazy and I can’t shut it down.” 

David seemed to brighten a little.  

“Can I help? I’m good with puzzles,” he offered.  

Patterson shook her head.  

“No, it’s not like that,” she said. “I can’t even talk about it. It’s classified.” 

David nodded his head sadly and bit his lower lip. Whatever was bothering his girlfriend had nothing to do with work. Or maybe it did, but it wasn’t exactly work related. He knew, though, that Patterson wasn’t going to say anything. Whatever it was, she was going to keep it locked up in her head. He could try to pry it out of her, but she’d explode. It wouldn’t be the first time.  

“Oh,” he said. “But you’re okay?” 

“Totally,” she lied again and then stood up from her spot at the table. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom while you figure out your next word.” 

She didn’t wait for him to respond but disappeared down the short hallway. David waited a beat after hearing the door close before getting out of his own chair. He quietly hurried into the kitchen where his girlfriend’s phone was charging on the counter and tapped in her password. He quickly accessed her contacts and scrolled until he found Tasha’s name and cell phone number. He read it four times, committing it to memory, and then sat back down.  

Patterson returned to the game a moment later and watched as David played his final tiles, ending the game. She didn’t react to her loss, and it was a loss of nearly 60 points. David slid his chair away from the table and got to his feet.  

“I think I’m gonna go,” he said, grabbing his jacket from a peg near the door. He paused to give his girlfriend the chance to convince him to stay but when she said nothing, he gave a small nod. “You sure you’re okay? That was a pretty brutal loss.” 

She got out of her chair again, shaking her head, and followed David to the door. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him.  

“I’m fine,” she said. “I’m really tired and I think I’m just gonna sleep.” 

“You’re sure?” 

She nodded.  

“Yeah,” she said and kissed him again. “Thank you for dinner and the game. I’m sorry my head was somewhere else.” 

David gave her a tired smile.  

“It’s okay,” he said. “But I would have beaten you either way.” 

*** 

David started down the stairs of Patterson’s building and pulled his phone from his pocket. He tapped in the number he’d memorized from his girlfriend’s phone and his finger hovered over the call button. Tasha and Patterson seemed close, even if they were just now rekindling a friendship that had been dormant for more than 10 years. If anyone would know what was going on, though, it might be Tasha.  

He felt guilty even considering calling her. He’d just invaded Patterson’s privacy to get her number and was about to pry into her life by calling her friend. If she wanted him to know what was wrong, she would have told him. But if he could help, he wanted to. He took a deep decisive breath and then tapped the call button and held the phone to his ear.  

It rang three times before Tasha answered.  

“Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying. If you’re calling about my computer, I don’t have one,” she said shortly.  

“Tasha?” David asked. “It’s, uh, David. Patterson’s boyfriend.” 

“Oh! Sorry,” she replied. “I didn’t recognize the number.” 

“Yeah, sorry, I got your number from Patterson. Do you have a minute?” 

Tasha hesitated slightly before answering. She couldn't imagine why David was calling her. Well, she could imagine, but the reasons weren't good.  

“Sure,” she replied. “Is everything okay?” 

It was David’s turn to hesitate.  

“I don't know, “ he said. “I hoped maybe you might know something. Patterson’s been acting weird. She's distracted and kinda distant. Has something happened at work?” 

Tasha didn't respond immediately. She didn’t want to tell him that Patterson was avoiding her, and she couldn't tell him why she was avoiding her. Even if she wanted to tell him, it wasn't her place to do it. She vowed to stay out if their relationship no matter how much she wanted to sabotage it, break them up, and keep her beautiful blonde friend for herself.  

“She's been really stressed at work,” Tasha lied. It sounded like a completely plausible excuse. “She's probably just working a problem in her head. You know how she gets.” 

David thought about this for a moment. It was nearly the same answer Patterson had given him.  

“That's what she told me, too,” he said. “Thanks, Tasha.” 

He disconnected the call and Tasha set her phone down on her coffee table. She leaned back into the couch cushions and propped her feet up on the table. A wave of relief washed over her. Patterson hadn’t broken up with him. At the same time, she was slightly disappointed. She hadn’t wanted her to break up with David just so they could be together, but damn did she want Patterson to break up with him so they could be together.  

Still, Tasha couldn't help but feel like trash, as if she’d set the wheels in motion on something horrible. But she hadn’t. Patterson was the one who started all this. She was the one who confessed her feelings and she was the one with the boyfriend. None of this was Tasha’s doing. Nevertheless, the whole situation felt terrible. The one thing she wanted, she couldn't have.  

She didn’t know what to do. Tasha turned Patterson down because of David and that was the right thing to do. Even if it was the right thing to do, she couldn't help but feel like she'd lost Patterson forever, as a friend and potential girlfriend. There had to be something she could do to at least get her back as a friend.  


	9. Chapter 9

**New York City**   
**1999**

Bill carried a stack of college catalogs into his daughter’s bedroom and dumped them onto the bed where Patterson and Tasha were sitting cross-legged playing  _Riven_  on Patterson’s laptop.  

"This is getting a little bit out of hand," he said, interrupting their animated conversation about the puzzle they were trying to solve. "I know you’re excited, but maybe we can start narrowing it down?" 

"Dad, those are important," Patterson insisted, not looking away from the screen. "How will I know if I even want to go  _visit_  a school if I haven’t read everything about them?" 

Bill shook his head and frowned.  

"We really need to start going through all this," he said patiently and picked up one of the catalogs. "You’ll need to start scheduling visits soon. Are you even interested in Penn State?" 

Patterson took the catalog back from her dad and dropped it unceremoniously back onto the pile where it landed with a thwack.  

"Well, no, not really, but it’s due diligence," she said. "I wanna know all my options." 

Tasha snickered.  

"The whole world is your option," she said and grabbed for the newly arrived catalog from Stanford. "You know this is where you’re gonna wind up." 

Patterson hmmed and took the Stanford catalog from Tasha. She flipped it open and glanced down at it.  

"Maybe," she said vaguely.  

Bill grabbed another catalog from the pile and held it up with a big grin.  

"What about Cornell?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye. "It’s a fine school. You know it’s —" 

"I know, Dad. It’s where you went," Patterson interrupted and rolled her eyes. "I dunno. It’s nice, but..." 

Tasha sighed and reached for another tower of catalogs on the edge of Patterson’s desk. She pulled the stack of 20 catalogs onto the bed and dropped them down, making the mattress bounce slightly.  

"How many of these are places you aren’t actually interested in?" she asked.  

Patterson shrugged. 

"I dunno," she admitted. "Maybe five?" 

Bill sat down on the only empty space left on the bed. He started sorting through the catalogs and finally handed Patterson a stack of five. 

"These five?" 

She scanned the covers and shrugged again.  

"Yeah, maybe." 

Bill nodded and picked up the remaining catalogs and carried them across the room. He set them back down on her desk and glanced at his watch. 

"Okay, so let’s make a deal here, okay, kiddo? I’ll order us a couple of pizzas and you and me and Tasha will come up with a list of schools you actually want to visit," he said. "Fair?" 

Patterson pretended to mull it over for a minute and tossed a look over at Tasha.  

"Throw in some cheesy bread and you've got a deal," she said finally when she looked back at her dad. 

*** 

Tasha was full of pizza and cheesy bread when she finally left Patterson’s apartment. She took the long subway ride across the city and opted to walk the rest of the way instead of waiting around for the bus. Lately it seemed like the schedule was more of a suggestion than an actual list of departure and arrival times.  

"Hey, I know you," a voice called as Tasha passed the bodega near her grandmother’s apartment. "You’re Tasha, right? Zapata?" 

She stopped walking and whirled around in search of whoever had just called her by name. A guy who looked like he was close to her age was leaning against the side of the shop, smoking a cigarette.  

"I know you?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow but not walking over to where he was still leaning.  

"Ricky," he said and then added quickly when he saw the look of unrecognition on Tasha’s face, "Flores. Bronx Regional High School. We had biology together last year." 

Tasha searched her mind. Maybe she remembered him from biology class, but it didn’t sound familiar. Still, it wasn’t every day that someone stopped her and wanted to talk. She took a couple of steps towards him and smiled. She brushed her hair back from her face.  

"Ricky, right," she said. "Sorry, I didn’t, uh, recognize you." 

Ricky nodded and tossed his cigarette on the ground. He stomped it out.  

"Wasn’t there a lot," he admitted. "School’s not really my scene." 

Tasha nodded. 

"It’s not really my scene either," she half-lied. Tasha liked the actual learning part of school; it was just the kids she hated. 

Ricky laughed and pushed himself away from the wall. He finished closing the distance between them.  

"Right, Zapata," he said. "You love school. You were good at it. I remember that." 

"Yeah, I guess." 

"Oh, come on," Ricky said. "You and I both know school is your jam. You’re smart. Maybe those assholes who go there don’t see it, but I do. You’re smart. And you don’t fuck around with people. I like that." 

Tasha blushed and looked back down the street towards her grandmother’s apartment.  

"Thanks, I think," she said. "Yeah, I like school. I just don’t fit in there." 

Ricky lightly punched her in the shoulder.  

"Me either," he said and grinned. He gestured towards the lot behind the bodega. "Come on. Meet my boys. They didn’t fit in there either." 

Tasha threw another glance back towards her grandmother’s apartment. She was torn. She really wanted to just go home, drop onto her bed, and try to forget about all of the college visits she’d just helped Patterson plan. On the other hand, she really wanted to follow Ricky. With Patterson leaving, she could always use another friend. Ricky sensed her hesitation.  

"Hey, it’s okay," he said. "I get it. Hot chick, bunch of strange guys in a back alley. Sketch city. Totally get it." 

Tasha laughed and blushed all at once.  

"What? No one’s ever told you you’re hot before? Red hot, mamacita." Ricky turned back towards the pathway leading to the back alley. "Come on. Two minutes. Meet my boys. They’re good guys. Unless you got too many friends?" 

It was almost like Ricky knew her weak point. No. Of course, Tasha didn’t have too many friends. She didn’t really remember him from school, but Ricky seemed nice. If he knew about her or had heard any of the rumors that had been swirling around her since grade school, he didn’t let on. Ricky just seemed friendly. She liked him. 

"Okay," she said and started after Ricky as he continued down the path towards the back lot. "My abuela is waiting for me though, so just a few minutes." 

Ricky grinned as he rounded the corner into the lot.  

"Don’t worry about, Zapata," he said. "We take care of our friends." 

**New York City**   
**2010**

This was ridiculous. Two days and Patterson hadn’t spoken to her directly. At all. Tasha had hoped to corner her and confront her but between her own field assignments and Patterson’s amazing ability to dodge her, she hadn’t been able to. That’s how she found herself climbing the stairs to the scientist’s apartment. Tasha'd had enough. If Patterson didn’t want to be her friend, fine. It would hurt like hell, but this ghosting thing was just bullshit.  

_Man up, Patterson_ , Tasha thought as she reached the landing and started scanning the apartment numbers in search of the one belonging to Patterson.  

She found her friend’s apartment quickly and stopped in front of it, listening for any clue if Patterson was home or if she had company. Tasha thought she heard the TV, and she raised her hand to the door and knocked on it.  

Patterson heard the knock on her door and nearly dropped her game controller. She recognized that knock. It’d been a long time since she’d heard it, but she was sure she knew it. She paused her game and slowly unfolded herself from the couch.  

She squinted through the peephole and her stomach dropped. Patterson suddenly felt sick. She didn’t want to answer the door. At the same time, she wanted to rip the door open, yank Tasha inside, and tell her to forget about David, that she was the only one she wanted.  

Tasha heard the door chain rattle as Patterson worked it and then the door was open. She crossed her arms and stared at Patterson.  

"Wasn’t sure you’d answer the door, Casper," she said flatly as she stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jeans. "Can I come in?" 

Patterson stepped backwards to let Tasha in and then closed the door behind them. She watched as her friend walked into the room and claimed a seat in her living room. When Tasha didn’t start talking right away, she sighed and followed her, dropping back down onto her couch. She put her game controller in the charger and let her hands fall into her lap. They stared at each other for a moment, daring the other to speak first. Finally, Patterson gave in. 

"What are you doing here, Tash?" 

Tasha shook her head.  

"Honestly? No idea," she said. "I get it. You don’t want to talk to me, but you don’t get to just ghost me like this. That’s not fair, Patterson." 

Patterson sighed again and shifted uncomfortably on the couch. She’d been avoiding Tasha because she didn’t know how to talk about any of this. They had a perfectly good friendship and she had a perfectly good relationship with David. In one fell swoop, she had neither and it was eating her alive.  

"I’m sorry," she said. "Everything’s all messed up now." 

Tasha closed her eyes slowly. Patterson broke up with David. She knew it.  

"You did something stupid, didn't you?" she asked.  

"It’s all stupid," Patterson replied and then realized what Tasha was asking. "No, nothing like that. David and I are still together." 

"Good," Tasha breathed. She leaned slightly forward in her chair and met Patterson’s eyes. "I get it. It’s all messed up. It doesn’t have to be, though." 

The blonde shook her head and dropped her gaze to her hands. It was too hard to talk to Tasha about this while looking at her. Looking at her only made her want to do things she shouldn’t do.  

"I don’t even know what that means," she said.  

Tasha tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  

"It’s easy," she said. "What do you want?" 

"That’s not easy," Patterson replied, looking back up at Tasha’s face. "If I knew, I wouldn’t have this mess." 

Tasha considered this for a moment and then gave a single nod.  

"Okay, try this then. What don’t you want?" 

Patterson sat up straighter. This she could answer.  

"I don’t wanna hurt David," she said without hesitation.  

"Why would you hurt him?" Tasha asked. Her heart gave a little flutter. If Patterson was even thinking that David might get hurt, she thought that gave her a reason to be optimistic for own selfish reasons. She shouldn’t think like that, but her own desperation outweighed her concern for David.  

"If I break up with him, he’s gonna get hurt," Patterson explained slowly. "I really don’t want that for him. David’s been a great boyfriend. The best." 

Tasha shrugged and crossed her legs. She leaned back into the chair and bit her lower lip as she thought.  

"You’re gonna break up with him?" she asked as she tried to keep her voice even and control the sudden rush of exhilaration that was coursing through her.  

Patterson bobbled her head in a gesture that could be read as both a yes and a no. She licked her lips nervously and dropped her eyes back to her hands. They’d gone clammy as she kneaded them against her legs.  

"Patterson?" Tasha prompted. "Don’t do anything you’re gonna regret, okay? We can always just hang out like we always did." 

Her words hung there for a moment and it almost seemed like Patterson hadn’t heard them. Tasha was about to say more when Patterson directed her attention away from her hands and connected with the Latina’s own gaze. She shook her head decisively.  

"No," she said. "It’s not fair to David. He wants me, all of me, and I can’t give that to him. Not anymore. I can’t be sitting here playing Scrabble with David while I’m thinking about kissing you. I can’t wake up next to him and wonder what you’d look like in my bed. I can’t tell him I love him because he’s not the person I want to say it to anymore. That’s what’s happening. And It’s not fair to David." 

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room and Tasha swallowed hard to try to will her lungs to start working again.  

"What are you saying?" she asked dumbly.  

Patterson got up from the couch and moved around the coffee table to stand in front of Tasha. She thought about crouching in front of her so that they might be eye level with one another but felt silly doing it. She should have stayed on the couch. It was a safe distance and it didn’t feel so awkward.  

"I wanna be with you," she said quietly.  

Tasha didn’t reply immediately. Patterson’s words echoed around in her head and for a second, they didn’t make any sense. The scientist may as well have been speaking Chinese for all Tasha understood.  

"I’ve wanted to be with you for so long," Patterson continued to fill the silence. "I didn’t think I’d ever get to, and that chance is here and I’m not going to pass it by because I’ve been dating a nice enough guy. He’s not you and he can’t be you. It’s not fair of me to ask him to try to be you." 

There was a moment where the entire room seemed to go black and then white and then black again. Nothing made any sense. Tasha was sitting in front of Patterson and she wanted to get up but her legs had forgotten how to work. Her eyes searched Patterson’s until she found a small almost imperceptible nod that seemed to say, "I know what I said and it’s the truth." She sucked in another breath and got unsteadily to her feet. It felt like she’d spent the entire afternoon drinking but hadn’t had so much of a drop of alcohol in almost 24 hours.  

"You’re sure?" she asked and then instantly regretted it. Patterson didn’t say things that she wasn’t sure about. Tasha knew that the blonde had been obsessing over this decision since she started ghosting her. "I mean, you’re sure this is what you want?" 

Patterson stepped closer to Tasha and glanced at her lips before kissing her lightly on the lips. Her hands went to the brunette’s waist and she held her close. As she was about to break off the kiss, Tasha’s hands seemed to outgrow their paralysis. She brought a hand to the back of Patterson’s neck while she caressed her cheek with the other. They separated after a very long moment, gasping for breath.  

Tasha tipped her head forward, resting her forehead against Patterson’s and she smiled. For 15 years, Tasha had wanted to kiss Patterson, to be just like this with her, and now it was happening. It felt exactly the way she’d always hoped it would.  

"What about David?" she asked softly as her fingers played along the back of Patterson’s neck, sending a shiver down the other woman's spine. 

Patterson kissed her again, silencing the question before Tasha could say more. When she pulled away, she shook her head slightly.  

"I dunno," she said and licked her lips. "I don’t wanna talk about him right now." 

Tasha looked into Patterson’s eyes as her fingers continued running along the nape of her neck.  

"You’ll have to," she said. "I meant what I said before." 

"I know," Patterson replied as she leaned back in to kiss Tasha again. "I will, but I’m not done kissing you yet." 


	10. Chapter 10

**New York City**  
**1999**

Tasha turned the heavy plastic device over in her hand and furrowed her brow. She looked up at Ricky in confusion.

“What the hell is this?” she asked.

Ricky grinned at her and pulled an identical device out of the pocket of his jacket. He showed her the keypad and screen.

“It’s a phone, Zapata,” he said, amused. “A mobile phone. All the guys have one. Now you got one, too.”

Tasha shook her head and tried to hand it back to him.

“I can’t take this,” she insisted. “Not only can I absolutely not afford a phone, but what am I gonna do with it? Who do I need to call so badly that it can’t wait ‘til I get home or find a payphone?”

Ricky pushed the phone in her outstretched hand back at her.

“Don’t worry about the cost, Tasha. All the guys have ‘em and we thought if you were gonna keep hanging with us, you should, too,” he said. “And as for who you’re gonna call, you could call me. In fact, I had an idea how we could try ‘em out.”

***

The tour had already started moving on but Patterson lagged behind. She grabbed her father’s arm and pointed excitedly through the glass door at the row of computers.

“Oh man. This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Look at all those computers!” she said and paused as her eyes scanned the room eagerly. “Tasha would love this. She’d die. I mean, that’s incredible.”

Bill nodded thoughtfully.

“The facilities are top notch. The science labs were really something, too,” he said and then pointed down the hallway where the tour group was starting to disappear around a corner. “We need to keep up or you’re going to be living at Stanford before you’re even accepted.”

***

It felt a little bit sketchy, but Tasha didn’t know what else to do. Ricky had given her the phone and sent her on her way with one set of directions: call him when she saw the transfer happen. Now she sat on a bench a few blocks from the high school with a magazine she wasn’t really reading and she waited. Maybe it was sketchy, but it was harmless, right? She just needed to make a phone call. Ricky didn’t tell her what the transfer was or why he cared. He just asked her to watch for it and then make the call. Tasha was sure Ricky and his friends were into something, but she was just making a phone call. No harm, no foul.

Just like last time.

Four days earlier, Ricky asked her to leave a sealed cardboard box beneath the slide at the playground at PS 384Z. She asked what it was and Ricky told her it was just some burned CDs for his friend TJ. TJ’s parents were strict and wouldn’t let him get the new Eminem or Ruff Ryders albums. He’d made copies of his own CDs and was leaving them for him on the DL. It didn’t sound like a big deal so Tasha had taken the box and left it at the playground and then called Ricky to let him know she’d done as he asked.

Two days after that, Ricky was back asking for another favor. Could Tasha bring a few of his abuela’s brownies to Diego. Ricky was sure Tasha and Diego were in English class together and he told her how much Diego loved his grandmother’s baked goods but since Ricky wasn’t in school anymore, it was hard to get them to him. Tasha had shrugged, taken the paper bag from him, and handed it over to Diego before class began.

This was just another favor for a friend.

Now she flipped the page of her magazine and continued to watch the area where Ricky told her the transfer was supposed to take place. She’d been sitting for about 15 minutes and was starting to think that maybe the transfer wasn’t going to happen. Maybe Ricky was wrong. She thought about getting up when someone dropped down on the bench next to her.

“Ricky sent you, didn’t he?” a girl asked, looking pointedly at Tasha. “You’re Tasha, right? Zapata?”

Tasha closed her magazine and looked at her bench mate. She seemed familiar, and Tasha thought they might be in history class together.

“Yeah,” she said. “To both. Alexis, right?”

The girl nodded and brushed her hair away from her face.

“That’s me,” she agreed. “I’m Ricky’s sister. I don’t know what he’s got you wrapped up in but it’s probably not good.”

Tasha shook her head and gestured towards the street with the magazine.

“He just asked me to watch for a couple of guys —”

“Frankie G and Manny, right?” Alexis interrupted.

“Yeah,” Tasha said. “And I’m supposed to call Ricky when I spot them.”

Alexis turned on the bench so she was looking at Tasha head on. Her face was serious.

“I’m not gonna tell you what to do, Tasha, but Ricky’s got you involved in his stupid gang shit. Frankie G and Manny are into something – I don’t know what – but it’s not good. He’s got you sitting on this bench so his ass doesn’t get arrested again.”

“It’s not like that,” Tasha said and shook her head again. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and cast a quick glance back towards the street. “Ricky just said —”

“Ricky said something dumb. Probably something like,” Alexis cleared her throat dramatically and thickened her own accent to mimic her brother’s way of speaking. “’Hey, mamacita, you red hot. Meet my boys, hang with us. Check this out. I give you this phone, and you just run a little errand for me. It’s all good, Tash.’”

Tasha didn’t respond. It was almost exactly how her conversation with Ricky had gone. She felt her cheeks redden. Alexis knew her brother almost too well and Tasha felt foolish. She thought Ricky was her friend, but he was just using her. She should have known better.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Alexis asked and then saw the expression that clouded the other girl’s face. “Hey, don’t feel bad. Ricky’s a good guy, he’s just involved in some shit. He probably really does like you. He’s a good brother – mostly - he just finds trouble a lot.”

“Great,” Tasha said quietly. She rolled the magazine up and started off the bench. It was time to just go home. She had three brothers at home who could make fun of her. She didn’t need someone pretending to be her friend. “Thanks.”

Alexis grabbed for Tasha’s arm and pulled her back onto the beach. She shushed her cry of surprise and nodded towards the street.

“That’s Manny,” she whispered as her eyes searched the area. “And here comes Frankie. You’re here. They’re here. Make the call. Then, if I were you, I’d cut bait. Ricky and his boys are just gonna get you into trouble. You don’t even know the shit they’re up to.”

**New York City**   
**2010**

Patterson wasn’t sure if she was done kissing Tasha yet. Once she started, it was almost impossible to stop. Kissing Tasha felt right, like she’d found something she’d been missing and was terrified to lose it. She was certain she’d still be kissing her if her phone hadn’t given an annoyingly loud chime, pulling her attention away. Unless it was work, her dad, or David, Patterson’s phone remained in silent mode. When it did ring, it was important.

She broke away from Tasha and grabbed for her phone on the table. A single glance at the screen was enough to bring her back to reality. Tasha saw the look on Patterson’s face and she furrowed her brow.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, trying to get a look at whatever it was that caused all the color to drain from her friend’s face.

Patterson held down the phone’s power button, shutting it off, and then set the phone down face down. She frowned.

“It’s David,” she said quietly. Her stomach dropped as reality slammed into her. “Oh god, I just cheated on him.”

Tasha shook her head and cupped Patterson’s chin, bringing the blonde’s eyes up to look at her.

"We kissed. That’s it. Nothing happened,” she said and then grinned devilishly. “We both still have our clothes on. You did not cheat on him. And, hey, look, I told you I wouldn’t get in the way of you and David. I meant that, but I’m here if you need me.”

Patterson felt her lower lip start to tremble as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt David but that was closely followed by her overwhelming desire to be with Tasha. She didn’t know what to do, but David’s text had been enough to remind her that she was still dating him, and he had no idea that she was in her apartment making out with her best friend, dangerously close to taking things to a much more physical level. While Tasha pointed out that they both were still fully clothed, Patterson wasn’t convinced they would have been if David hadn’t interrupted with his text.

She wanted to wrap her arms around Tasha and cry on her shoulder. It wouldn’t solve anything and it was possible she’d feel worse about everything, but in that moment, the only thing she wanted to do was hold onto Tasha.

As if she read her mind, Tasha pulled her into a hug. She held her tightly and stroked her hair as Patterson cried quietly into her neck.

“Hey,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I promise. We’ll figure this out.”

Patterson leaned away from Tasha, extricating herself from the hug. She shook her head and looked away from Tasha.

“You have to go,” she said suddenly as she straightened up and scooted back from Tasha. “I don’t know what to do about David but I know that if you and I stay here together, it’s going to get messy. It’s too hard.”

“It’s gonna be hard, Patterson,” she said. “You’ve made a hard decision. You did make a decision, right?”

Patterson nodded. She made her decision even before she started kissing Tasha. Dealing with the aftermath of that decision was not something she was looking forward to. If she could have frozen time, she would still be kissing Tasha without a single worry in her mind.

“What do I do?”

“I can't tell you that,” Tasha said gently and reached out to brush Patterson’s hair away from her face. “I’m here for you, you know that, but I can’t tell you what to do next.”

“No,” Patterson said. “I don’t know what to do. Do I just call him up and break up with him? What do I even tell him?”

Tasha relaxed back into Patterson’s couch and slumped her shoulder slightly. She’d never actually broken up with anyone; they’d always broken up with her. The reasons were always varied but it usually came down to one thing: she was distant. She finally shrugged.

“I’ve never broken up with anyone before,” she said. “But yeah, usually, it’s either a fight or I get a call or text that says we’re done.”  
Patterson’s mouth fell open and she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“A text? That’s cold.”

Tasha shrugged again. She hadn’t really thought much about it, but she guessed there were probably better ways to end a relationship.

“I guess.”

“I’m not breaking up with David with a text message,” she said decidedly. “That’s just mean.”

Tasha gave another shrug.

“Probably a good idea. Whatever you do, you should just do it. Don’t go out with him and have dinner and all just to dump him after,” she replied and then hesitated uncertainly before continuing. “Unless you don’t want to break up with him and, hey, that’d be okay. I really feel like I’m forcing you into this.”  
Patterson moved quickly across the couch again and grabbed for Tasha’s hand. She squeezed it tightly.

“You’re not forcing me to do anything,” she said. “Don’t think that. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this... _us_.”

Tasha smiled and returned Patterson's squeeze.

“Yeah, I do,” she said. “I can’t believe you didn’t see what a big gay mess I was as a teenager. That’s why I pushed you away so many times. Why when you started looking at colleges I tried to disappear. I couldn't have you and I couldn’t tell you so it was better if we just lost track of each other.”

Patterson grinned at Tasha as she closed the distance between them. She kissed her softly, and Tasha wrapped her arms around the blonde’s waist, pulling her towards her.

Tasha leaned back into the arm of the couch and pulled Patterson with her. She intensified their kiss, darting her tongue out to lick across Patterson’s lower lip until Patterson moaned slightly.

***

David didn't know if he should be worried or not, but it wasn't like his girlfriend to ignore his calls and texts. He’d given her some time, but she was usually quick to respond. Not this time, though. It’d been almost 20 minutes, five texts, and two calls with no answer. He thought about what both Tasha and Patterson had told him: she was distracted by work.

He glanced at the time. If she was distracted by work he guessed she hadn't eaten dinner. He dialed the NYO switchboard and asked for her. It was a surprise to hear she'd left hours earlier.

He decided to pick up their favorite order from the Chinese restaurant near her apartment and drop by. She'd appreciate his thoughtfulness. David had picked up on her distance lately, and he thought that maybe surprising her would be a way to get her to open up again.

The walk from the restaurant to Patterson’s apartment seemed extra short. He was eager to see her. Almost an hour had passed since his first text and still there was no response from his girlfriend.

He mounted the final set of stairs leading to her apartment and set the bag of food down so he could straighten his clothes. When he impulsively decided to drop by, he hadn't even bothered to check his appearance.

David brushed some dirt from his collar and picked the food back up. His hand was poised to knock when he heard a loud crash from behind the closed door followed by what he thought might be a groan.

David hesitated and listened. When he heard another louder groan, he knocked once, called her name, and then threw his weight against the door. Something was wrong.

***

Neither Tasha nor Patterson heard the door until it made a loud cracking sound and David stumbled inside, a paper bag falling from his hands as the door flew inwards and banged into the wall.

“Patterson!” David cried without surveying the room. “Are you okay?”

He started into the room and froze.

Patterson was on the couch, legs straddling Tasha’s hips, and Tasha's hands were intertwined in her blonde hair. At the sound of his voice she jumped, pulling away from the deep kiss she’d been engaged in and nearly fell to the floor. Tasha shifted into a sitting position as Patterson scrambled to her feet as if she'd been doused in lighter fluid and set on fire.

“Ohmygod, David,” she exclaimed as she hurried to the door where he was still standing motionless. “I’m sorry!”

“It’s not what it looks like, “ Tasha offered as she got up and straightened her clothes. She realized at that moment that her bra was no longer clasped closed and admired how stealthily Patterson had gotten it open.

David seemed to come back into himself and he put a steadying hand on the door frame.

“It looks like you were about to fuck my girlfriend,” he said and looked pointedly at Tasha’s waist.

She followed his gaze and saw that her belt was also open. If the circumstances had been different she would have thrown Patterson a grin. Her handiwork was impressive.

“Right. Got it,” he said when neither woman responded. He dropped the bag of Chinese on the floor and turned a glare at Patterson. “I was worried about you. Brought you dinner. I won't bother you again.”

David turned and left, jogging down stairs to get away as quickly as possible. He couldn't believe what he'd just seen. There were so many questions raging through his head but they were all secondary to the one thought that kept thundering in his brain: Patterson was cheating on him with her best friend.

“David!” Patterson called as she ran out the door after him. She thought she heard his footfalls on the stairs and ran down them as quickly as possible. “Please! Wait!”

She reached the bottom of the stairs and burst out the front door, scanning the sidewalk for him. It was like he'd vanished. The sidewalks on both sides of the street were empty.

Patterson stood there for a long minute until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped and turned. Tasha was standing behind her with a frown. She went to her and hugged her.

“It’s okay, chiquita,” Tasha murmured into the blonde’s hair. “Let’s go back inside. Give him some time. It’ll be okay.”

Patterson didn't reply but let the Latina lead her back inside. She never wanted to hurt David, but being caught by him was probably more hurtful than if she'd broken up with him over text.

“Tash,” she began sadly when they reached her door.

,“Shhh,” Tasha interrupted. “Come on. It’s okay. I promise. I told you I was here for you before and I’m still here for you now.”


	11. Partings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What about us?” David asked as he stared at the spilled coffee. “Don’t you owe it to us to see where we could go? Isn’t your heart in us?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter. We'll do a rating change. The story can end here if you're not into something a little steamier. Otherwise, sit tight. The final chapter is coming soon.

**New York**  
**1999**  

Patterson dropped the final stack of college application envelopes into the mailbox. She’d finally narrowed her list of colleges down to just five: Stanford, MIT, UCLA Berkeley, Harvard, and Columbia. Now, she’d applied to each of them. It was just a matter of waiting.  

As she began walking away from the post office, her mind wandered. It’d been almost two weeks since she last talked to Tasha. She tried calling a few times when she came back from her tour of Stanford but hadn’t been able to reach her. The last time she called, Tasha’s youngest brother had answered and told her that his sister was out with Ricky. Patterson had no idea who Ricky was but she thought maybe Tasha had a boyfriend. The thought of that made her heart ache, not that she had any chance at all with Tasha or that she’d even tell her how she felt about her. 

Patterson headed towards the payphone next to the bus stop and dug in her pocket for a quarter. She picked up the receiver, dropped the coin into the slot, and dialed Tasha’s number from memory. It rang four times before someone picked up.  

“Is Tasha there?” she asked optimistically. “It’s Patterson.” 

“Again?” came Alex’s exasperated response. He sighed. “I dunno. She just ran to the bodega. Should be back in five minutes.” 

Patterson was about to respond but was greeted with a dial tone. Alex hung up on her. She replaced the receiver and took a quick look at the bus schedule. It was supposed to arrive in a few minutes and she could take it towards Hunts Point.  

*** 

Tasha dropped heavily onto a wooden bench, avoiding a large section where an extremely intricate rendering of a penis had been carved into the surface. It looked like the carving had been smeared with something and Tasha didn’t want to know what it was. She pulled her feet up off the floor onto the bench and rested her chin on her raised knees. She was in so much trouble.  

Ricky wasn’t with her. She had no idea where he was.  

_Why would he be here?_  Tasha thought bitterly as she stared at the floor.  _Ricky doesn’t do any of his own dirty work_.  

Instead she was sitting across from a woman who looked at least 30, but was probably closer to Tasha’s own age. Drugs had a way of doing that, she supposed. The woman had casually told her, a complete stranger, that she was coming down from heroin and was probably going to be sick soon. Now she sat next to the steel toilet in the corner of the cell.  

_The cell_ , Tasha thought as she looked around in disbelief. She was sitting in a jail cell. And for what? She hadn’t done anything wrong.  

Okay, that wasn’t  _exactly_ true and she knew it. She’d done what Ricky asked her to. He asked her to leave another package at the playground, take a walk, and then return to pick up an envelope. Ricky hadn’t even bothered to lie to her this time: the box contained a few thousand dollars' worth of cocaine and the envelope was supposed to contain the payment. Tasha knew she should have said no immediately but Ricky had waved a stack of $20 bills in her face and said that would be her cut if she made the drop and pickup. She hadn’t counted it, but she was certain there was a couple hundred dollars in his hand. So, she’d agreed, taken the box, and dropped it off at the playground.  

As soon as she set it down and started to walk away a police officer was shouting at her with his gun drawn, ordering her to the ground, and asking if she had anything sharp in her pockets. Minutes later, handcuffs were slapped on both her wrists and she was shoved into the back of a police car.  

It felt like something straight out of a movie, but after the booking officer took her mug shot and fingerprints, he told her she could make a phone call when he returned. The problem was, Tasha didn’t know who to call. She couldn’t call her mother or abuela. None of her brothers would be able to bail her out, and she was positive Alex would leave her there to rot. She thought about calling Patterson, surely Bill would save her. Tasha nodded to herself. She hated to call, but Patterson’s family seemed like her only and best choice.  

“Zapata,” a man’s voice rang out as he entered the area where her cell was. He grabbed a large ring of keys from his belt and fit one of the keys into the lock. “Must be your lucky day. You’re outta here.” 

Tasha furrowed her brow in confusion.  

“What? No one knows I’m here,” she said. “I haven’t called anyone yet.” 

The officer shrugged and opened the door.  

“Don’t know, don’t care,” he said. “Up. Let’s go.” 

Tasha got to her feet and made her way to the door. As soon as she stepped through, the officer closed it again, locking it up and leaving the heroin addict alone. He pointed at her through the bars. 

“You puke on this floor, you’re cleaning it up,” he warned before grabbing Tasha by the bicep and leading her to the lobby.  

Tasha wondered if this is what a “perp walk” was, and then a wave of horror passed over her. She was a perp. She’d been arrested and put in a jail cell. She had a record now. She was one of those kids who gets in trouble, winds up going to juvie, and just spirals into a life of crime. She slowed her pace and looked up at the officer who pulled on her arm more roughly to urge her along. 

“Wait,” she said. “Do I have to go to court or something? Oh my god, I have a record now. The charges —” 

“Have been dropped,” the officer interrupted. He stopped walking and turned to look at Tasha. He sighed. “Look, you seem like you’re probably a good kid. Got caught up in something. I get it. But I don’t know anything. I was just told to let you go. Charges are dropped. Don’t worry about your record. You’ve got someone waiting for you in the lobby.” 

He started to walk again, but realized Tasha wasn’t following him. He turned back and gestured impatiently towards the door leading to the lobby. 

“Zapata. Tasha, right?” he said. Tasha nodded and he continued. “Look, you’ll be fine. Make some new friends. Stay outta the shit. But first you gotta leave here.” 

Tasha let the officer guide her towards the lobby. He unlocked the door and they stepped through. The lobby was significantly brighter and more welcoming than the cell area and Tasha blinked into the brightness. When her eyes adjusted, she saw Alexis sitting in one of the hard plastic chairs. The officer let go of her arm and nodded at her.  

“You know her?” 

Tasha nodded.  

“Yeah.” 

“Good. Go. Get outta here,” he said.  

*** 

Patterson knocked on the door to Tasha’s grandmother’s apartment and waited. She was getting ready to knock again when she heard the locks clicking and then the door opened.  

“You’re not pizza,” Alex said sullenly when he saw her. “She’s not back yet.”  

Alex started to close the door but Patterson reached a hand out and caught the door before he could close it. 

“Do you know where she is?” she asked. “You said she was just going to the bodega.” 

He shrugged.  

“Dunno. Tasha’s out a lot.” 

Patterson frowned. 

“With Ricky?” 

“Yeah,” Alex said. He paused and considered his next words. “Ricky’s a jerk, but Tasha hangs out with him and his friends all the time. I liked it better when she hung out with you. You guys have a fight or something?” 

“No,” Patterson replied. “We’ve just been busy. I was away visiting colleges.” 

A look of understanding came over Alex’s face and he smiled slightly.  

“That explains it,” he said.  

“Explains what?” 

Alex shook his head and rolled his eyes.  

“Oh please,” he said. “You’re gonna leave. Tash’s in a mood. You don’t even see it, do you?” 

It was Patterson’s turn to shake her head.  

“See what?” 

Alex sighed.  

“Whatever. Just...Tasha’s distancing herself from you so you can’t hurt her. Everyone leaves us. She’s getting ready for you to leave her, too.” 

*** 

Alexis didn’t say anything as she walked down the sidewalk with Tasha. She wanted to say “I told you so,” but knew that nothing good would come from that. Besides, it looked like Tasha was beating herself up pretty good on her own.  

“Any idea how to get ink off your fingers? Just soap?” Tasha asked suddenly. She’d been staring at her hands since leaving the police station. 

“Maybe. I dunno,” Alexis replied. She waited for Tasha to say more but when she didn’t, she let silence fall between them again.  

Tasha fidgeted with her hands while they walked. She wanted to ask how Alexis knew to come get her. More than that, though, she wanted to know why the charges had been dropped. No one had told her anything official, but she was sure they had her on drug dealing charges. It didn’t make any sense that they’d get dropped just like that.  

“I followed the cop car to the station,” Alexis said, as if reading Tasha’s mind. “I saw ‘em grab you so I followed. I gave up Ricky and a couple of his boys to get you off.” 

“You what?” Tasha asked, coming to a stop on the sidewalk. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d heard her right. 

Alexis kept walking but realized Tasha had stopped. She turned around and returned to her.  

“I knew Ricky sent you out there, so I was watching your back,” she said. “The cops have been trying to grab him for a while so I told them where he was in exchange for letting you out.” 

“And it worked?” 

“You’re standing here aren’t you?” Alexis glanced back down the street. “Come on. Let’s get you home before people start wondering what happened to you.” 

Tasha nodded and started walking again. She should have been furious with Ricky. He’d sent her out to take the wrap for his own schemes. Instead, she was a little annoyed with his sister who had zero hesitation about turning him in to the police. She knew she shouldn’t feel bad for Ricky, but she did. Maybe he was a jerk and maybe he was just getting her into trouble, but he was her friend. With Patterson leaving soon, he and his friends were the only ones she had.  

“Why do you hang out with Ricky?” Alexis asked suddenly. “I mean, you're cool. You must have other friends.” 

Tasha shrugged and jammed her hands into her pockets. It was the only way she was going to stop obsessing over the ink on her fingers.  

“Not really,” she admitted. “Patterson, but she’s getting ready to go to college. Kids at school don’t really wanna hang out with me.” 

Alexis bit her lip and hmmed.  

“I saw the shit that’s been taped to your locker,” Alexis said. 

Tasha didn’t respond. She’d hoped that eventually whoever was taping up page after page of gay slurs to her locker door would stop. They hadn’t. Some were more creative than others. The most recent just said HOMO in big block letters. They’d been hurtful and confusing at first – she hadn’t told anyone that she was gay – but now she just ripped them down and ignored them.  

“Are you?” 

There was a long moment when Tasha didn’t respond. No one had ever bothered to ask her and she never talked about it. For a brief paralyzing second, she didn’t know what to say. Finally, she sighed and focused intently on the sidewalk in front of her.  

“I guess.” 

Alexis gave a single nod as she took this information in.  

“That’s cool,” she said and paused again. “Your friend Patterson? Is she your girlfriend? You talk about her all the time.” 

“No,” Tasha said a bit too quickly. “I mean, she’s my friend but we’re not... she’s not...I’m not dating her.” 

Alexis nodded again.  

“She’s not... gay you mean?” 

Tasha shrugged but didn’t answer.  

“You should ask her out,” Alexis said. “It’s pretty obvious you have a thing for her. Just ask her. The worst that could happen —” 

“She could hear me. No, I can’t. She’s my best friend, Alexis.” Tasha interrupted. She paused and sighed, shaking her head.“Can we not...? Please? I don’t... I don’t know how to talk about this and I really don’t want to.” 

“Sorry,” Alexis replied. “I didn’t mean to pry or anything. I still think you should ask her out, though. You’ll regret it. I mean, you never know.” 

**New York**  
**2010**

Tasha tried to comfort her. Repeatedly. She’d hugged her and held her and kissed her cheek and stroked her hair, but instead of helping, Patterson just felt worse and pushed her away. After David walked in on them in the middle of their make-out/groping session, all thoughts of being with Tasha vanished. A lead weight dropped into her stomach, her head pounded with the onset of a migraine, and she felt like she could be sick any minute. Patterson felt like the worst person in the world. She’d done exactly what she didn’t want to do. She’d cheated on David and hurt him in the process.  

Nearly a full day had passed since The Incident, and Patterson had done everything she could to avoid Tasha at the NYO. It wasn’t the same avoidance from earlier in the week; she’d actually gone out of her way to find the agent and explain she needed time to process everything that happened. Tasha had nodded and understood. Patterson was relieved. She didn’t need an emotional would-be possible girlfriend on her hands, too.  

Now she sat alone on her couch with a glass of bourbon in front of her. Tasha wanted to come over, but Patterson insisted she stay away. Tasha’s touch just reminded her of what she’d done to David. It wasn’t fair. To any of them, really. It wasn’t fair for David to find out the way he had, and it wasn’t fair to Tasha who’d done absolutely nothing wrong. There was a choice to make. Stay with David, beg his forgiveness, and promise it’d never happen again. Or she could break up with him and try out this thing with Tasha. Patterson sighed and picked up her drink. She drained it in two quick swallows and set it back down on the tabletop.  

She just needed to make it right, to break up with David properly. It’d be easy to just move on, but she couldn’t leave it like that with him. She owed him an apology or an explanation at the very least. Something. 

She grabbed for her phone and considered it for a moment. Normally she’d text him and that was the easier way out. Hearing his voice might push her right over the edge, but she thought about how Tasha had said she’d been broken up with over text. That was too cold. She’d been with David for too long to do this over text. She tapped his contact and let the phone ring. It rang three times and Patterson was starting to allow herself to hope David wouldn’t answer but then there was his voice. 

“Yeah?” 

“Hi David,” she said softly and took a deep breath. “Can we talk? I mean, somewhere? Coffee?” 

Her question was met with silence and Patterson was getting ready to repeat her request when she heard David sigh.  

“What’s there to say?” he asked. The anger that had marked his voice the previous night had been replaced with a tone of sadness and resignation. “You were on top of her. On your couch. Kissing.” 

“I know,” Patterson replied. She licked her lower lip. “Please? I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I really want to talk to you. I don’t want to leave it like this. Please.” 

Silence again. Patterson pulled her phone away from her ear to see if the call disconnected. It hadn’t. She put it back to her ear in time to hear David sigh again.  

“Fine,” he said. “Twenty minutes. Coffee shop near my place.” 

*** 

It didn’t take 20 minutes to get to the coffee shop. David’s apartment was just a short 10-minute subway ride away and a two-minute walk from the stop. Patterson had dragged her feet a little bit, slamming another glass of bourbon before leaving her own apartment. Now she stood outside the shop and tried to sneak a stealthy peek through the windows. David was already there with a coffee in hand. She half expected to see a second cup sitting in front of the empty seat; he always had a coffee waiting for her when they met up. Not this time.  

She took a deep breath, pushed through the door, and headed for David’s table.  

“Hey,” she said and gestured at the vacant chair. “Can I sit?” 

David took a swallow of his coffee in response. When he didn’t say anything, she pulled the chair out, sat, and signaled to a waitress who was lingering nearby. Patterson quickly ordered a coffee and then turned her attention to David. They’d sat together at this very coffee shop dozens of times but now everything felt foreign. She hadn’t felt this awkward around him since their first date when she’d somehow managed to spill an entire fountain soda down the front of her shirt. 

“So... how are you?” she asked and immediately felt stupid.  

David set his coffee down and stretched slightly in his seat.  

“Is that why we’re here?” he asked. “To make small talk?” 

Patterson shook her head. 

“No, I’m sorry. That, that was dumb,” she said and fell silent as the waitress reappeared and set a steaming mug in front of her. “Thanks.”  

David said nothing and waited. He didn’t even want to be there, but no matter how hurt or upset he was with Patterson, hearing her sound so sad had hurt him even more. He had less than zero interest in whatever she had to say, but he hadn’t stopped loving her.  

“Listen, David,” Patterson began slowly as if she was unsure of what to say. “What happened... last night, I mean... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to find out like that. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” 

He frowned but didn’t reply, picking up his coffee and taking another sip.  

“I never meant to hurt you. You don’t deserve that but things just happened. Tasha... she’s... she’s important to me,” she continued, choosing her words carefully. “We were best friends for so long and I wanted to be more than her friend. I’ve been in love with Tasha since Coney Island. We were 13 —” 

“—You’re not gay. You’re my girlfriend. Well, you  _were_ my girlfriend,” David interrupted. He hadn’t meant to sound so angry but that’s exactly how it had come out.  

Patterson sighed and dropped a hand onto the table while the other fidgeted with the handle of her coffee mug.  

“I am. I’m bi. I’ve known for 15 years. I dated a couple girls here and there but I met you and—" she said. 

“You’re confused,” David insisted. “I get it, Tasha was your best friend, and she’s super hot. She comes back in your life and you’re confused. You’re just afraid of what you feel for me and so you’re pushing me away. It’s okay. We can work on this.” 

Patterson’s cheeks grew red and hot as anger boiled up inside of her. She’d agonized over calling David, over apologizing to him and trying to make it right. The response she was getting from him was unexpected. Her interior monologue suddenly became her external one, and her voice grew a bit too loud.  

“No. That’s not how this works. You don’t get to tell me what I am or I’m not. That’s not okay at all. I am  _not_ confused. And I am  _not_ afraid of what I feel for you. Right now, all I feel is anger towards you,” she said hotly. “I am  _gay_ , David. I like boys. I like girls. And right now? I like a girl a whole lot more than I like you.” 

David slammed his coffee cup back down, sloshing some of the liquid over the rim. He leaned forward and frowned.  

“Fine. You’re  _queer_. You like  _girls_ _._ ” He spat the words at her. “Can we move this along? If you’re going to sit here and humiliate me, I’d like to get it over with.” 

Patterson jumped slightly when he slammed his cup. She’d never seen David angry before and she didn’t like it. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly while she tried to regain control of her temper.  

“I just wanted to apologize to you,” she said quietly. “You were an amazing boyfriend. Really. The best. I cared for you. I still do. I don’t wanna hurt you, but this is painful for me, too, ya know. I have feelings for Tasha and I don’t want to sneak around behind your back or hide the way I feel about her. I owe it to myself to follow my heart. And I owe it to you to be honest about it.” 

David slumped backwards in his chair. His anger was replaced with something else. Patterson thought it was sadness or maybe sullenness. He pushed his coffee cup away, no longer interested in it, and stared at the small puddle where it had been.  

“What about us?” he asked as he stared at the spilled coffee. “Don’t you owe it to us to see where we could go? Isn’t your heart in  _us_?” 

Patterson placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand. She ran a finger over her bottom lip as she considered his question. It was fair. Up until Tasha had shown up at the NYO, she was happy with David. But then Tasha  _had_  shown up and in a single instant, everything had changed.  

“It was,” she said finally. “I love you, David. I haven’t stopped loving you, but I’m in love with someone else and I have been for a really long time. I've got the chance to finally do something about it, and I don’t wanna throw that chance away again.” 

David looked away from the spilled coffee and met Patterson’s eyes.  

“I love you,” he said quietly. “I know I can be a bit much sometimes but if you give me a chance, I can prove that I’m better than Tasha could ever be. I’m better for you. I know you. I’ve been here while... where has she been? Please, Patterson, you know I’m right. If you give me another chance, you’ll see. You and I are happy. I really think you just don’t know what you want and —” 

“Dammit, David!” Patterson yelled and then lowered her voice when she realized she’d inadvertently drawn the attention of a few nearby patrons. Talking to him was aggravating. Part of her wanted to believe that he was genuinely upset about what was happening and wanted to save their relationship. His repeated insistence that she was just confused, however, was more than enough. “Stop. You’re not making this easier. I’m not asking your permission to date Tasha. I’m already doing it. Tasha and I are together. I’m telling you because I can’t bear the idea of cheating on you with her. You don’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve walking in on us and you don’t deserve to be dumped over the phone or by text or because you just ran away, but this isn’t a negotiation, David. We’re over. I’m sorry. I’ve been in love with Tasha since I was a teenager. I owe this to myself.”  

David stood up, pushing his chair back noisily. He loomed over Patterson for a minute and pointed a finger at her. She saw his jaw working as if he was working on something to say, but then he dropped his hand to his side and shook his head.  

“Goodbye, Patterson,” he said. The anger had drained away and it was just sadness in his voice now. “I hope you’re happy with her.” 

He walked past where she sat and left without a glance back at her. Patterson didn’t turn to watch. She focused on her coffee, finishing it quickly, before digging a $10 bill from her wallet, dropping it on the table, and leaving.  

*** 

She shouldn’t have done it. It’d show up in the access logs and she’d have to explain why she’d logged into the NYO’s HR files using the experimental remote access app on her phone. Mayfair would be pissed.  

Patterson hesitated outside of the non-descript apartment door and listened, her hand raised and poised to knock. She heard nothing and almost decided to turn around, run back down the stairs, and take the subway back home but she was suddenly knocking. She heard footsteps approach followed by the rattling of the door chain. And then Tasha was standing before her, her brow knitted in concern and confusion. 

“Patterson,” Tasha said in surprise. “Is everything okay?”  

Patterson realized she must look awful. She’d cried a little on her way out of the coffee shop and was certain her eyes were a little red and puffy. She nodded and took a quick, deliberate step towards Tasha, and then kissed her hard on the lips, making the other woman stagger slightly backwards. After a moment, she pulled back, wiping away a string of saliva that had formed between them.  

“Everything’s great,” she said and looked eagerly inside Tasha’s apartment over her shoulder.  “Can I —” 

Tasha didn’t let her finish the question. She grabbed her around the waist, pulling her as close as she could, and kissed her before walking them backwards into the apartment and closing the door behind them.


	12. An Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was going to just end this fic with the PG Chapter 11 ending, but one of my more ardent readers demanded the story take a more mature turn. So, I give you this epilogue. If smut isn’t your thing, pretend the story ended at chapter 11. If It is your thing, however, enjoy.

Patterson’s sudden appearance at her front door was unexpected. The blonde told her she needed time and space so Tasha had given it to her. Frankly, she was the last person she was expecting to see, but nevertheless she was standing at her door, and she didn’t look great. Her eyes were a little red and puffy, and Tasha wondered if she’d been crying. There was no chance to ask, though. Patterson kissed her with such force that she nearly lost her balance and had to take several staggering steps backwards before regaining control of herself and kissing back.

For years while they hung out and did typical teenager stuff Tasha wondered what it would be like to have Patterson kiss her like this. After the last few days, she didn’t have to wonder. Kissing Patterson was like something out of a dream. It made every other kiss she’d given and received before pale in comparison. Kissing her ignited sparks and she tingled everywhere.

When they pulled apart, Tasha couldn’t wait for whatever explanation Patterson had. She started to say something about everything being great, but Tasha wasn’t listening anymore. Patterson’s arrival and that kiss only meant one thing: she’d officially broken up with David. They could finally be together.

Tasha grabbed her roughly around the waist and kissed her, pulling her inside the apartment. The door was barely closed when she pushed Patterson up against it and released her grip on her waist. Her hands traveled up and down at once, one hand caressing her hip while she let the other run lightly along her side, grazing against her breasts. She felt Patterson snake a hand into her hair and pull her impossibly closer as she rocked her hips forward into Tasha. Finally, they broke apart, chests heaving as they fought to catch their breath.

“Wow,” Patterson said finally as she took another deep gulp of air.

“Yeah,” Tasha agreed. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against Patterson’s. “Wow.”

Patterson placed a kiss on Tasha’s neck and slipped out from against the door. She turned around in the room so she was facing her and watched as the Latina turned slowly.

“It’s over,” Patterson said. “Me and David. I ended it. Today.”

Tasha had already figured this. Patterson would never have shown up on her doorstep and kissed her the way she had if she were still with David. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and gave a single restrained nod while fighting the urge to cross the room, grab Patterson again, carry her into the bedroom, and strip off her clothes. Instead she bit her lip and cast her gaze to the floor.

“I’m sorry, Patterson,” she said quietly.

Patterson shook her head and closed the distance between them again. She grabbed for Tasha’s hands and held them in her own.

“Don’t be. I’m not. David was – _is_ – great but I’m not sorry. I get to be with you,” she said and then faltered. She continued on quickly. “Unless you don’t want to be with me, that is.”

Tasha took a step forward in response, closing the gap between them even more. She pulled her hands free from Patterson’s grip and caressed the side of her face before kissing her softly.

“Still wondering?” she asked when she pulled away a moment later.

Patterson kissed her again, returning the soft kiss and deepening it with a swipe of her tongue over Tasha’s lower lip.

“Not anymore,” she replied.

Neither woman spoke for a moment as they maintained eye contact with the other, and Tasha’s hand ran lightly up and down Patterson’s side as if testing the limits of contact. Patterson broke the silence first.

“Do we need to talk about this?” she asked. “Set some kind of ground rules?”

Tasha frowned and her hand stilled in the middle of its travels.

“Ground rules?”

“I don’t know,” Patterson admitted. “You’re my friend. Does this mess things up?”

Tasha stepped backwards and cast a glance at the couch where the throw blanket she’d been sitting under before Patterson’s arrival was balled up.

She headed towards it and sat down, picking the blanket up and tossing it behind her.

“I mean, it could, I guess, ruin the friendship,” she said with a hint of resignation in her voice. “I don’t want it to, though. I just found you again.”

Patterson didn’t reply immediately. She sat down next to Tasha on the couch but left about a foot of space between them. She’d broken up with David so she could be with Tasha but had never taken more than 10 seconds to consider what would happen if they got together and it all went badly. They were friends, or they had been once, and on top of that, they were coworkers now. Getting together could be a terrible thing. It didn’t have to be a terrible thing, though. There had to be plenty of people who were in successful, healthy relationships with friends who also happened to be coworkers. She couldn’t think of any, but they must exist.

Tasha must have read something on her face and turned to face her.

“Are we making a mistake?”

“I don’t know.”

Tasha silently cursed Patterson. She hadn’t been thinking about anything other than throwing Patterson against the wall or tossing her onto her bed, straddling her beautiful body, and making her moan and squirm beneath her, but now she was thinking about everything. They were friends. What if it all went to shit?

 _Ground rules. Dammit_.

She sighed and then straightened up as she made her decision. Fuck the ground rules. Friendship be damned. She’d waited 15 years for the chance to tell Patterson how she felt about her, to take her out and proclaim to the world that she was her girlfriend. She wasn’t going to let Patterson take this away from her. From them. If Patterson didn’t want this, she wouldn’t have broken up with David.

“You want ground rules?” she asked suddenly. “Fine. Here’s a rule: stop thinking about it. Stop trying to poke holes in it. Stop trying to categorize whatever this is. Answer me this: do you want me?”

Patterson nodded and started to respond but Tasha waved her off and continued.

“I sure as hell want you, so forget the rules, P,” she said. “I’ve wanted to be with you since 1993. I didn’t understand it then, but I think I fell in love with you that day you gave me...”

Tasha trailed off as she twisted away and reached for a side table. She pulled the drawer open and removed a single item. She placed it in Patterson’s palm.

“...this. And you’re here and I’m here and I don’t give a damn about the rules.”

Patterson looked down at the item in her hand and stared at it disbelievingly for a moment. The ring she’d given Tasha that day on the bench near Hunt’s Point Recreation Center. She’d been trying to get one of those giant sticky hands from a gumball machine but it’d dispensed this ring instead. When she saw Tasha’s arm in a cast and heard her talking so disparagingly about herself and her future, she’d given it to her. She’d almost forgotten about it.

“You kept it,” she said quietly as if she were speaking to herself.

“Yeah.”

“Seventeen years.”

“Yeah.”

Patterson turned the cheap ring over and over in her hands. She couldn’t believe it’d survived all these years let alone the fact that Tasha had kept it. That day was the first time she’d ever put “Tasha” and “girlfriend” in the same thought. Now, 17 years later she was sitting there with the chance of making it real and she’d balked, afraid they’d mess up their friendship. She handed the ring back to Tasha and shook her head.

“I can’t believe you still have it,” she said. She’d kept the necklace Tasha had given her for a birthday present, but that was different. It wasn’t garbage from a gumball machine.

Tasha took the ring and set it on the table.

“I’ve kept everything you’ve ever given me,” Tasha confessed. She took a deep breath. “I love you, Patterson. I didn’t know what it was, but I’ve had a crush on you since that first day at the library. And if being with you means messing up our friendship then I want to mess up our friendship so bad.”

Hearing those words from Tasha was all Patterson needed. Her stomach turned somersaults and her pulse quickened. The courage that had surged through her when Tasha opened the door returned and Patterson leaned forward and kissed Tasha again, fisting a hand into her hair. She pulled away just as quickly as she’d initiated it and grinned sheepishly.

“Ruin the friendship?”

Tasha returned her grin and scooted closer to her, the gap between them vanishing in an instant. She leaned forward to catch her in another kiss.

“Burn it to the ground,” she husked, her lips brushing against Patterson’s as she spoke before kissing her hungrily.

Tasha kissed her fiercely, her lips pressing demandingly against Patterson’s as the blonde’s hands found her breasts and began kneading gently. She wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her tightly against her, lifting Patterson up off the couch and setting her back down on her lap. She slid forward slightly on the couch to make room for Patterson's legs that were now splayed on both sides of her and elicited a small almost inaudible moan as her hands fell to Patterson’s butt and she squeezed.

She pulled away to trail kisses along Patterson’s jaw and neck, almost getting lost in the feeling of Patterson’s smooth skin against her lips. Another soft moan and hard squeeze on her right breast brought her back to reality and Tasha returned to her mouth, kissing her slowly and letting her fingers find the hem of Patterson’s shirt. Patterson tilted her head, giving Tasha more access to her neck and exposing the hollow of her throat to Tasha’s wandering mouth.

“This is okay, right?” Tasha asked as she let a hand drift beneath Patterson’s shirt towards the clasp of her bra.

Patterson nodded as she leaned forward, nuzzling into Tasha’s neck, placing her own kisses just above the Latina’s pulse point. She felt Tasha’s heart beating beneath her lips and sucked lightly.

“More than okay,” she murmured against her skin as she felt Tasha’s hands creep further beneath her shirt, sending a shiver up her spine.

Tasha lightly caressed Patterson’s back, one hand working its way upwards to the clasp of her bra as the fingers of the other drew lazy circles from her hip to her spine and back again, dipping occasionally beneath Patterson’s waistband. She felt Patterson shiver slightly, as she nipped at her collarbone and returned to her mouth, biting at her lower lip before drawing her into another deep kiss. At the same time, Tasha swiveled slightly on the couch, taking Patterson with her and in a single movement, Patterson found herself on the couch, back up against its arm, bra unclasped, and Tasha straddling her waist as she leaned down to capture her in another kiss.

“Wow,” Patterson breathed, her hands finding Tasha’s hips and gripping tightly as she tilted her own hips upwards seeking friction.

“Smooth, Zapata.”

Tasha grinned as she grasped the hem of Patterson’s shirt and tugged upwards, exposing the blonde’s flat stomach and dragging her fingertips over the exposed pale skin lovingly.

“Sit up,” she replied, pulling the shirt up and over Patterson’s head as soon as she did.

Tasha let the shirt fall out of her hand onto the floor and gently pushed Patterson backwards onto the couch again. She took a moment to take in the sight before her – Patterson had seen her in just a crop top in the locker room, but this was the first time in more than a decade that she’d seen her friend topless. Patterson felt her staring and furrowed her brow. She dropped her hands from Tasha’s hips and made to cover herself.

“What?” she asked, turning red. “What’s wrong?”

Tasha shook her head and leaned down again, moving Patterson’s hands away and clasping them in her own. She kissed her between her still clad breasts before kissing her softly on the lips.

“Absolutely nothing,” she assured her between kisses. “You’re perfect.”

Tasha kissed and licked her way along Patterson’s jaw and neck, suckling lightly on her collarbone before reaching her breasts. She cupped both and squeezed gently, enjoying the way Patterson arched slightly off the couch and into her touch as she slipped her hands beneath the cups of her bra, her knuckles pushing the already unclasped garment away.

Patterson sat up slightly and let her bra fall away. She pulled it down her arms and let it fall to the floor with her shirt. It was barely out of her hands when Tasha was pushing her backwards again, and the warmth of Tasha’s mouth was surrounding her left breast. Tasha darted her tongue out and probed against her nipple, urging it into to a tight peak.

“Tash,” Patterson groaned. She snaked a hand into Tasha’s hair, holding her against her while Tasha lapped at one nipple and then the other, and her other hand dropped below Tasha’s waist. She cupped her jean-clad mound and rubbed lightly as Tasha rolled her hips against her.

Tasha moaned against Patterson’s right nipple, her breath coming ragged. She brushed Patterson’s hand away and shifted slightly on top of her, pushing a knee between her thighs. Tasha kneaded her breast, letting the nipple slip between her fingers and dropped her mouth back down to suck it between her lips. She bit down gently and felt Patterson buck against her thigh.  
She grinned when Patterson moaned again, but her smile faltered when she felt Patterson’s nails dig into her back and she had to bite her lip to keep herself from moaning. Patterson squirmed beneath her and Tasha had to use all her restraint to keep herself from ripping her pants off, pushing her legs apart, and tasting her.

She pulled her mouth away from Patterson’s breasts and gripped her hips as Patterson rubbed herself against her thigh. Tasha pulled her knee away slightly and heard Patterson whimper in protest. She leaned back down and placed a new trail of kisses along the blonde’s jaw. Her breath was coming rapidly and she breathed harshly across the shell of Patterson’s ear.

“Pants,” she rasped as she dropped her hands to the button of Patterson’s jeans and popped it. “Off.”

Patterson started to sit up again, her hands going to her waist while Tasha quickly worked the zipper. She lifted her hips off the couch and started to pull her jeans down, but Tasha grabbed the fabric near her ankles and pulled it off in a few jerky movements. In a moment, her jeans joined her shirt and bra on the floor.

Tasha straddled Patterson’s hips and lowered herself down to kiss her again, capturing her lips in a passionate and needy kiss. Patterson rolled her hips upward, arching her back off the couch, as she sought friction from the rough denim of Tasha’s jeans. She was rewarded when Tasha rocked her body forward as she began to ride her slowly.

“Tash,” Patterson groaned. She watched the brunette's languid motions above her and licked her lips when she saw Tasha cup her own breasts and tip her head back slightly.

“Should we take this to your bedroom?”

Tasha leveled a heated gaze at her and slowly grabbed her left hand and placed it on her breast, covering it with her own hand. She squeezed and then shook her head.

“Next time,” she replied breathlessly. She'd barely let Patterson touch her but her skin was slick with sweat and she felt moisture collecting between her legs. Her heart thudded in her chest.

Tasha brought her hands to Patterson’s chest and caressed them as if trying to memorize their contours. She leaned forward again, grinding herself against Patterson’s panty-clad mound, and kissed her. After what felt like an eternity of increasingly needed kisses, she let herself slide down her friend’s body, licking and suckling every inch of skin as she went. She cupped Patterson and marveled at the dampness of the fabric as she began to rub.

Patterson arched her back, pressing into Tasha’s hand, extending the invitation to continue.

“Please,” Patterson whispered, her voice barely audible as she bucked her hips against Tasha.

“Hmmm,” Tasha replied and cocked an eyebrow as she slipped a single finger beneath the edge of her underwear, teasing her. “What?”

“Please,” Patterson repeated, her voice now a whine. “Tasha, please. I need you.”

Tasha pulled her hand away and straightened slightly. She put her hands on Patterson’s hips and skimmed them lightly up and down her legs and sides. After a moment she caught the thin waistband and hooked her thumbs into it. She made to pull them down and then stopped. Tasha made eye contact and a serious look fell over her face.

“Tell me if this isn't okay,” she said and waited for Patterson’s nod. “Yeah?”

Patterson nodded again. She reached up to Tasha’s neck and guided her back to her, kissing her forcefully.

“It’s good,” she said breathlessly.

Tasha kissed her again and then made her way back down her body. She took a deep anticipatory breath and gripped the edge of her panties, and pulled slowly as if unwrapping a gift. Seconds later that final piece of clothing was on the floor with the rest. She quickly pulled her own shirt over her head and returned her attention to Patterson and her now exposed center.

Her lips slid along Patterson’s pale skin as her hand skimmed down her side, past her hip, and down her leg before returning to her outer thigh. She lowered herself and placed a series of kisses along her pubic bone, creating a trail to her thighs. Tasha kissed down one thigh and lifted the other woman's leg and wrapped it over her shoulder. She did the same with the other.

Patterson jolted at the roughness of Tasha’s tongue as it was dragged slowly and deliberately through her folds. Her hand found Tasha’s at her hip and she grabbed it.

Tasha licked slowly through Patterson’s wet center, making long, slow passes but avoiding the one place Patterson most wanted her. She lapped hungrily at her wetness and increased her pressure when Patterson pushed herself harder against her face. After agonizing moments of licking, kissing, and sucking everywhere else, Tasha flicked her tongue against Patterson’s clit.

The sensation was unexpected and delicious, and Patterson let out another moan. Her free hand wove into Tasha’s hair and held on loosely.

Patterson's moan spurred her on and Tasha began circling her clit with her tongue, pulling away to lick and kiss at her lips. A new wave of moisture flooded through Patterson, and Tasha caught it and lapped it up. She felt Patterson squirming against her and knew she was so worked up she wouldn't last much longer.

Tasha gave one more long lick before pulling herself up and kissing Patterson on the lips. Their tongues twined together as Patterson wrapped her arms around Tasha and tried to pull them even closer together.

Tasha sank her teeth into the sensitive skin of Patterson’s shoulder as her hand trailed between them. Her fingers found what she’d been looking for, and she sank two fingers home in one smooth movement, her thumb grazing over her clit. Patterson moaned as her hips tried to match the slow and steady rhythm of Tasha’s pistoning fingers.

“Oh my god,” Patterson breathed when Tasha withdrew her fingers, scissoring them and rotating as she reentered.

Her pace began to grow frantic as Patterson continued to buck against her hand.

Patterson wrapped her arm below Tasha’s shoulder and held on tightly as she felt herself approaching the edge of the cliff.

“Come for me,” Tasha rasped into Patterson’s ear as she slammed her fingers back inside with renewed force.

Patterson was already on edge but hearing Tasha’s command was all she needed. It was Tasha who was making her feel both so out-of-control and incredible. She tensed and let her orgasm claim her while Tasha continued to finger her.

She fell bonelessly back against the arm of the couch and stared unseeingly at Tasha for a moment before Tasha was kissing her gently. Tasha snuggled up against her and kissed her cheek while waiting for Patterson to catch her breath.

When she felt Patterson curl an arm around her, she finally spoke.

“The bedroom is probably nicer.”

**Author's Note:**

> TLOU fans, hope you caught my small Easter egg. :-)


End file.
